to the Moderator- Just in case the parties mentioned check the SDMB, which I don’t think they do, but just in case, is it possible for you to change or scramble my user name for this post, so they don’t know it’s me. if so, please do.
well if you can or can’t, I will go on with it anyway
I have a situation. A close friend of mine is getting married this summer. He asked me to be best man, which because of a misunderstanding I had to refuse. When we cleared up the misunderstanding, the position was filled, so I am now an usher.
here is where I am having the problem.
He has only known this girl for 6-7 months, they live about 3-4 hrs away, which to me is a long distance relationship. both work near where they live and only see each other on weekends. When I talk to him and her (which I only met once) I can tell they are still in the early stage of the relationship. How can someone decide in about 4 months (when they got engaged) that this is the person they want to spent the rest of their life with?
To many out there, probally getting married is a tempory thing that one can back out of whenever, and leagally you can. But to me it is a comitmentment you make in the presenss of God, never to be broken by man.
I don’t want to back out of the wedding party but am having trouble with the above. There is no way they can be sure that they are compatable is such a short time.
The reason for the short time is that she is going back to school for 3 yrs and she doesn’t want to get married while she is going to school, and neither want to wait till she is finished.
Now I see 2 possibilities:
The 1st is that they are not compatable, which will eventially bring the marrage to an end and they would have wasted all the time that they were together.
or 2
that they are compatable, which they wou’t know till they are together for a while- which it is morally wrong to get married before this anyway.
I have talked to him about the short time, and so has his parrents. I mean to talk to his parents to get their views and express my concerns also.
I am putting this out here in SD land to get opinions and suggestions.
— to the MOD… it really doesn’t matter, by what I put down here they will know exactly who I am, and maby it’s better if they saw it.
First of all, you cannot post to this message board with that many spelling and grammatical errors and hope anyone will take you seriously. Double check it man, triple if you have to - the intelligence of the members of this MB is far above average. Your numerous mistakes is going to cause many to ignore you, and others to mock you.
That said . . . I would recommend you just lay low and let this friend make his own choices. They may be good, or bad - but they are his to make. All you can do is try to be a good friend no matter what. Good luck.
“Love seeketh not itself to please, nor for itself hath any care, but for another gives its ease, and builds a Heaven in Hell’s despair.” - William Blake
I have a bit of advice to give you here. Please take it in the spirit in which it is intended- sincere.
This may be a dilemma- it certainly sounds like one. It is not YOUR dilemma. People make their own decisions, travel their own paths, and make their own mistakes. It really is part of life. You are in a position where you are being asked to “stand up” for the couple, and if the dilemma you feel is this:
I’m asked to stand up for this couple, but I think they’re making a huge mistake.
Your answer is to politely bow out of the wedding party. No need to lecture about how hasty or foolish they are. Just simply say you would rather not participate.
If the dilemma is that they’re making a huge mistake and you need to stop it from happening, forget about it. As much as it hurts to stand by and watch it, it’s not your job to stop someone from getting married because you don’t agree with the courtship length or any other factors.
Under the circumstances, I don’t blame you for not supporting their union. Just don’t mistake honest concern for a right to meddle or interfere. You’ve made your feelings known, and obviously the wedding is still going to happen. Back out now (if that’s what you want) and be there for your friend in the event that things don’t work out. And don’t say “I told you so”.
Zette
Love is like popsicles…you get too much you get too high.
Not enough and you’re gonna die… Zettecity
What is this, it’s morally wrong? Feh. If they are in love, and they both want the wedding to occur, what is morally wrong? The length of time has nothing to do with morals. Just because they didn’t wait like Jacob & Rachel doesn’t mean they’re not compatible. My husband and I had our first date December 30, 1994. We were married November 29, 1995. Been married 4 years now, and have 2 beautiful kids.
In your capacity as usher, all you have to do is escort people down the aisle. No carrying the rings, no signing the marriage license, no nothing. My suggestion: do it. It’s a simple task, with nothing to feel guilty about later. I will second Zette, though, on the “don’t say I told you so” issue, just in case you do happen to be right.
One more thing to keep in mind: One never knows when love will strike.
Changing my sig, because Wally said to, and I really like Wally, and I’ll do anything he says, anytime he says to.
I am happy to see it worked out for you. My problem restated is a wedding in my belief is a union between a M & a W by God - not man, never to be broken by man. When the couple come before God to be united they better be pretty darn (can’t use the other d word and God that close together, sorry) sure they are to be together. Being in the wedding party, I feel that I am being asked to stand with them in front of God to support them. Seeing them still in the early stage of the relationship stage (I call it the infatuation stage), know they are blinded to many things going on around them and might not be truly in Love.
[Just because they didn’t wait like Jacob & Rachel doesn’t mean they’re not compatible.]
Who?
[ My husband and I had our first date December 30, 1994. We were married November 29, 1995. Been married 4 years now, and have 2 beautiful kids. ]
Why so fast?
any regrets on the timing?
[I will second Zette, though, on the “don’t say I told you so” issue, just in case you do happen to be right.]
not my intention or my place.
[One more thing to keep in mind: One never knows when love will strike]
True but I dont believe in Love at 1st sight, and feel that it can only come after some time.
Also I have diffrent definitions of love and Love. The 1st I reserve to the term commonly tossed around in todays society, the second is the true kind that 2 people share given by God, and between man and God (man being mankind).
In short, I don’t want to help commit a sham before God
A sham before god? Surely you jest. If they are in love (whether or not you think it’s real), their intention is to stay together and they will be making their vows with sincerity. There is never any guarentee that people will stay together, regardless of the circumstances surrounding their courtship. I seriously doubt that people who do end up getting divorced had a cavalier attitude about their marriage on their wedding day.
I also have to say that I think your statement about not wanting to particiapte in a sham before god is an excuse for you to spew your moral indignation all over the place. You seem to have a holier-than-thou attitude and think that you know better than they do, and you want to let everyone know that you are morally superior by stating your objections to their decision. Some friend.
Also, if you were concerned about this, why did you agree to be an usher? The time to decline was when the offer was made, not after you’ve accepted. Isn’t going back on a promise a no-no in god’s book as well?
Get down off your high horse and stop poking your nose into their affairs—especially under the distasteful and presumptuous guise of protecting the sensitivities of your god.
“I should not take bribes and Minister Bal Bahadur KC should not do so either. But if clerks take a bribe of Rs 50-60 after a hard day’s work, it is not an issue.” ----Krishna Prasad Bhattarai, Current Prime Minister of Nepal
[Also, if you were concerned about this, why did you agree to be an usher? The time to decline was when the offer was made, not after you’ve accepted.]
True, but we all make mistakes
Isn’t going back on a promise a no-no in god’s book as well?
lets see, I promise to help you rob a bank, think about it and come to the conclusion that robbing the bank will not please God, so I go back on it, I really don’t see how it’s a no-no. I think you must break a promise that will hurt that person.
[. I seriously doubt that people who do end up getting divorced had a cavalier attitude about their marriage on their wedding day.
]
I must disagree with this, I think that marrage is taken to lightly. This might be the norm in society, but it doesn’t make it right.
If I were you, I’d do everyone a favor and decline to participate in the wedding. Nobody knows what connection and understandings that two people have besides them. You’ve made your opinion known, they have made their decision, now either support them or don’t.
Think about your contributions to this union that is going to be made, in your opinion, before God’s eyes. Do you think that a marriage will be more successful if the couple has friends that are supportive in all aspects of the marriage? Or do you think they’ll be more successful if their friends are more worried about their own righteousness?
dave, my friend, I don’t to get into a religious discussion, but I can’t help it. You say only true love is given by God and only comes from God and two people can only be joined properly by God. Now, I respect your opinions, but it would offend my sensibilities less to say these are your opinions and not the way the world needs to be run. See the difference?
I’m not married to my boyfriend and we have an 11 month old boy. I honestly don’t see why
you need marriage to be in love, or why you can’t be in love after a short time. I would advise what everyone else has and just lie low and participate if you can stand it, and bow out if you can’t.
Btw, for someone that appears to worship God, you have a lacking knowledge of the Bible. Jacob worked for seven years to gain Rachel, but he got instead her sister Leah, who was good. He worked another seven years and finally got Rachel, but she was a bitch. It’s a common Bible story and I’m just wondering why you didn’t have any idea who they were, since you mentioned God so much.
When are you going to realize being normal isn’t necessarily a good thing?
Jacob. You know, from the Bible. The son of Isaac & Rebekah, twin brother of Esau. The Jacob of “Jacob’s Ladder” fame. He fell in love with Rachel, and wanted to marry her. But her father said “Nope. You gotta work first.” So Jacob worked for seven years for Rachel’s dad. When the wedding day came, the bride was veiled, as was customary. The ceremony took place, and come time for consummation, Jacob found he’d been married to Rachel’s older sister Leah. He was honked off, but Rachel’s dad said “work some more, and you can have Rachel.” So work Jacob did, all the while having a passel of kids with Leah. He eventually got Rachel, and one more wife, and IIRC, Jacob’s kids with these women are recognized as the founders of the tribes of Israel.
You know, that Jacob & Rachel.
Because we knew we were compatible, we knew wew were in love, and we wanted to be married. No, we didn’t have a huge church wedding. No, I was not pregnant. No, there are no regrets on the timing. I’ve been married for four years–that’s three years longer than I was married to my first husband, and we “courted,” for lack of a better word, for three years.
Yes, it is true that sometimes marriage is taken too lightly (“Who wants to marry a millionaire” being the perfect example), but I would hesitate in labeling it the “norm” in today’s society. I think most people go into marriage with the intention of spending the rest of their lives together. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t.
This is your right, not to believe in love at first sight. However, I know from personal experience that it is possible. Are you going to tell me that my marriage is wrong because I fell head-over-heels in love with the guy within the first week of meeting him? While I didn’t plunge head-on into marriage (we lived together for five years before marrying), we still were pretty much engaged from about the second month of the relationship on. We both knew from the beginning that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.
Shadowfox
“The dead have risen, and they’re voting Republican!” - Bart Simpson
It does sound that I am riding into the SDMB on my moral high horse, I know that and I expected comments like that. But w/o God and morals, then there would be no problem here. people could marry whoever or whatever, as many times as they cared to, or never marry and have a diffrent partner every night, or marry them all. I would assume there is in all of your minds, a marrage that is immoral, from someone you don’t love, to same sex partner, to a goat, to a child, to a baby, etc…
Well sure, we all need some sort of moral code, Dave. What most of us are questioning is whehter or not you have the right to impose yours on your friend. You sound as if you are actively interested in wanting to stop this wedding. That is not your right. You can oppose it on all the moral grounds you want. You can decline to participate. You can cease contact with your friend, and believe that he is wrong with his God. But do you have the right to stop this wedding just because you don’t agree with it?
IMHO, no, you don’t.
I don’t know your friend. Perhaps he really is making a huge mistake. But it’s his mistake to make. Then again, maybe he isn’t making a mistake. Maybe he & this woman will be married for 80 years, have kids, grandkids, great-grandkids, and great-great grandkids (it could happen-I’ve still got a great-grandma), and then they’ll both die quitely, in each other’s arms, on the same night.
You can’t know what will happen. If getting married to someone after only knowing each other for a short time was illegal, then yes, you’d have an obligation to stop it. But it’s not, so you don’t.
Changing my sig, because Wally said to, and I really like Wally, and I’ll do anything he says, anytime he says to.
I am not trying to stop the ceromony, I am just trying to decide if I should participate in it.
[. If getting married to someone after only knowing each other for a short time was illegal, then yes, you’d have an obligation to stop it. ]
there are moral things that are illeagal and immoral things that are leagal, I am not concerned about the leagality of them getting married.
[There are people who decide to get married after knowing each other only TWO days. I’d say these people are far ahead]
would you stand up for this couple after only 2 days?
What is the time period I would accept that people should be together before they get married?
hosestly I don’t know, maby 2 yrs, maby 459days, 2 hours, 10 minutes, 12 sec. I dont know what is in their hearts. I don’t know one of them at all. the other one, I know, I know where he is in his relationship and thats the start of the problem, maby he handled relationships diffrently then I do, maby he handled relationships diffrently then I observed from him in the past.
Just because it’s a long-distance relationship, don’t expect that it will fail. I have known several people from India that had arranged marriages. One of them lived in the USA and married someone from India whom he’d never seen before IRL (saw pictures and had many phone conversations.) None of them have been divorced.
If you don’t think you can honestly support their decision, then politely decline to appear in the wedding, without stating your true reasons. (Be prepared, however, to present to your friend a handsome apology on their 10-year wedding anniversary.)
Finally, I will say that there are cases where one could be justified in expressing concerns to someone about their marriage choice, depending on the closeness of one’s relationship to the person being married, and the severity of the mistake being made (in one’s mind.) Example: If I had a sister who was engaged someone who had a violent temper and had struck her before, then I would not hesitate to try to dissuade her from her choice.
You’re planning on talking to his parents, to express your concerns and get their viewpoint, but you’re not interested in stopping the wedding?
You sound as if you’d be quite happy if this wedding either a) didn’t occur, or b) didn’t occur when you think it should occur. Maybe that’s not what you mean to sound like, but that’s the way it’s coming across here.
You say they’ve been seeing each other for 6-7 months. By the time they get married, it will be a year. That’s a fair amount of time, IMHO.
My original suggestion to you was that you should participate in this event. Upon reflection, I think I was wrong. Participating in this event would, in fact, be giving it your unspoken blessing. And if you really think that what they’re doing is wrong, you should not participate.
Changing my sig, because Wally said to, and I really like Wally, and I’ll do anything he says, anytime he says to.
[If you don’t think you can honestly support their decision, then politely decline to appear in the wedding, without stating your true reasons. (Be prepared, however, to present to your friend a handsome apology on their 10-year wedding anniversary.)]
I have told him how I feel when he told me that they were engaged, he values my opinion almost as a brother, and he requested if I have more to say then do. I will probally tell him how I feel one more time (as he requested) then let it go as I feel that I have done all I can reasonably do, I am hoping that when I do they are out of the ‘infatuation stage’.
I would wish nothing better for them if I was to present to my friend a handsome apology on their 10-year wedding anniversary
except for their 20th
