K2Dave, if my good friend asked me to participate in his/her wedding, and I couldn’t say ‘yes’ and be sincerely excited about it, I wouldn’t say ‘yes’. You haven’t given any examples that would lead us to believe that it would be a bad wedding, aside from your concern that it’s moving too quickly. Think about it, though…they’ve spent the last several months making eight hour drives every weekend. They probably talk on the phone or send emails or instant messages everyday. Physical proximity isn’t always necessary, y’know. I appreciate your concern for your friend, but I think that in this case, the best thing for you to do is just let him live his own life. A person who is soon to be married is not really likely to be receptive to attacks on their fiance or suggestions that they shouldn’t get married. And they’re not really likely to forget about it, either.
If it’s love, it’s love, man. Don’t spend so much energy worrying. Let yourself be happy for your friend, and start rehearsing your lines. “Guest of the Bride or of the Groom? Come with me, please. Here is your seat, thank you for coming.”
A close friend of mine is getting married in April to someone she’s only known for a few months. I wouldnt dare to marry someone I’d only known for such a short time, but hey - I’m not her, and Ive never met the guy - I dont know what he’s like. But I love my friend. She’s intelligent, and sensible, and I trust her judgement. If she feels confident that this is the guy she’s going to spend the rest of her life with, that’s good enough for me. Im not in the wedding party cause I live on a different continent, but I know she wanted me to be a bridesmaid, and I am deeply honored by her wish to have me participate in such an important occasion in her life - in an occasion that by rights belongs only to the bride and groom and the God they believe in.
Dave, I respect your desire to stand by your morals, but IMHO it’s more important in this case to stand by your friend. Think about what an honor it is to be asked to be in a wedding party. If you cant do this graciously, with a loving smile, then back out. Does God withdraw his friendship and support when we do something stupid?
[Does God withdraw his friendship and support when we do something stupid]
Oh God please don’t let the police catch me with the money I stole- I don’t think that God would support this
Now don’t tell me that I am leaving facts out, I just can’t put everything in the posts. but the statement they told me that gets me concerned that they are not truly in Love, at least not yet, is that they are getting married so soon because she is going to school in september - this leads me to believe that they would want to wait, but are unwilling to wait 3 yrs. I am assuming (I know the ASS U ME part) that they would wait to make sure they are compatable, and they are bypassing it not because they are sure but because it is inconvenent.
which leads me to beleive that they are not sure.
K2Dave–Just bow out. It’s obvious that you are against the wedding and don’t feel comfortable standing up to support it. So, don’t do it. Whatever your reasons are, just decline and don’t do it. You seem to be so dead set against the whole thing, I don’t see why this is a dilemma.
I think many of your assertions are ridiculous. A couple I know – they are friends of my parents – got married within a few weeks of meeting each other. They have been hitched more than 30 years. A friend of mine from high school started dating a guy one summer in the early 1980s, started living with him that fall and married him the following spring. They are still together.
There is a woman I consider to be the love of my life, and I fell in love with her at our first meeting. I knew I wanted to marry her within two weeks. (She ultimately rejected me, undoubtedly a sign of great intelligence on her part.)
OTOH, I know of couples who courted and/or lived together for years, but were in divorce court a relatively short time after their marriages. How long a couple dates has nothing to do with how long its marriage will last.
It is presumptious of you to assume your friend is not truly in love.
Finally, even I thought a buddy of mine were making a mistake, I would still participate in their marriage. If you are a real man, pal, you back your friends when they need support, not just when it is convenient or pleasing for you to do so.
Of course, you could attend the ceremony and raise your voice when the preacher asks “If anyone knows of any reason why this man and woman should not be married let him speak now or forever hold his peace.” I’ve always wanted to attend a wedding where someone spoke up.
If you do this, though, don’t count on your friend remaining your friend. (Everyone will certainly remember the wedding, though.)
Dave, I was introduced to Mrs. Kunilou SIX WEEKS before I asked her to marry me – we were married less than 3 months after that.
And we’ve been married for more than 19 years so far.
You can not say that just because they’ve only known each other a short time that they shouldn’t get married. You’ve said that you don’t feel they’re at the right spot in their relationship, but that’s very hard to see from the outside, unless you’re also providing them with pre-nuptual counseling.
If you’re not comfortable with them getting married, then I think you should not attend the wedding. Realize, of course, that you will end your friendship – but you seem to be comfortable with standing on principle.
If you’re not willing to end your friendship over this, then wish your friend the best and don’t offer your opinions unless you’re asked.
[If you’re not willing to end your friendship over this, then wish your friend the best and don’t offer your opinions unless you’re asked.
]
Thats the very thing, I was asked, gave my opinion and asked again.
thank you all for your input, it has been helpful, but I think I have gone as far as I can with this type of forum
My husband and I got engaged one month after we first met and were married eight months later. We had everything against us, including the fact that we were poor, too young (I was 18, he was 20 when we got engaged), naive, and stupid. I was 2 weeks pregnant when we got married. We almost starved to death (quite literally) during the ensuing years; we’ve had some bad times but we’ve never had any serious problems with out relationship. We’ve never been unfaithful to each other or struck each other in anger; divorce has never been contemplated even though we don’t have any religious reasons to condemn divorce.
Last week we celebrated the 11th anniversary of that first date. Ten years of marriage isn’t so long, I suppose, but I can’t think of anyone our age who has managed to stay married longer than four or five.
It’s not how long you know each other before you get married; it’s how willing you are to keep the marriage together once the knot is tied.
A true friend is supportive even when he suspects his buddy is making a mistake. A friend’s job is to be there and offer his love, not to judge.
k2dave;
I’m sure you know that your response about backing out of a promise to rob a bank was ridiculous. It is not anywhere near in the same league either in terms of principle or consequences.
I stand by my point. Backing out of the promise to be an usher at their wedding would be a rotten thing to do, and the only purpose it would serve would be to allow you to tell yourself what a rightous Christian you are. Is that the sort of thing you god asks of you?
“I should not take bribes and Minister Bal Bahadur KC should not do so either. But if clerks take a bribe of Rs 50-60 after a hard day’s work, it is not an issue.” ----Krishna Prasad Bhattarai, Current Prime Minister of Nepal
I pretty much have gotten all I can from the SDMB, Thanks all for your responses.
[I’m sure you know that your response about backing out of a promise to rob a bank was ridiculous. It is not anywhere near in the same league either in terms of principle or consequences.]
When someone makes a statement, such as breaking a promise in God’s book is a no-no, I look to see if that is allways true, and from the example I gave, it is not. As for it being in the same league in terms of principle or consenqences, it is not but it doesn’t make it right and doesn’t make it is less of a league so to speak. When 2 people come before God and ask God to make them into one, they better be ready for it. There is no act of God in robbing a bank.
[I stand by my point. Backing out of the promise to be an usher at their wedding would be a rotten thing to do, and the only purpose it would serve would be to allow you to tell yourself what a rightous Christian you are. Is that the sort of thing you god asks of you?]
or would it be a rotten thing to do to just go along with it, like everything was fine? true it might be perceived as more rotten to back out, but popular decisions are not necessarly correct ones.
K2Dave, I respect your scruples and the high value you place on the marriage ceremony. That contains no sarcasm or undertones, BTW. It does you honor that your value marriage and the real bonds it implies that highly.
But (IMO only) you need to do a little self examination for charity, too. I agree with Chris and others, if you can’t, then don’t try to fake it. But nobody on the outside can really judge the quality of love or the depth of the commitment. Folks said the same thing about my cousin and her husband, almost 20 years ago. They are still nuts in love, have 2 of the greatest kids ever and knew what was right even when most people thought otherwise.
No one else can answer your conscience, but give trust a chance. Your friends are asking you to stand up with them and witness their vows. You (and no one else) can know what the future will hold. But their desire to stand in front of community, your God and friends says something.
Just my opinon, but hope and charity win out in the long run over negativity. Only you can decide your role in this sacrament, but please give hope and love a chance. Isn’t that what Christianity teaches?
An opinion: Sometimes when it’s right, you know it right away. Perhaps this is the case with your friends. My husband and I started dating on July 4 and were married on February 22. No regrets and this February 22 will be our 14th anniversary. We both knew it was right.
A rule of etiquette: It is perfectly permissible to decline an invitation to be in a friend’s wedding party – IF you decline when the request is first made. It is also acceptable to back out of a commitment to be in a friend’s wedding – IF you have a good reason. A good reason would be illness or family problems that prevent you from participating, or a work situation that prevented you from being in town during the wedding – something of that nature. Backing out of such a promise without a good reason is an insult to your friend. Believing that you know better than your friend how he should conduct his life is not a good reason. Such belief is also an insult to your friend and to his bride.
I don’t think that returning two insults (failing to honor your commitment is the first; and your belief that his feelings for his bride don’t meet your standards is the second) for one compliment (it is an honor to be asked to stand beside a friend at his wedding, you know) equals moral superiority.
Jess
Remember the Straight Dope credo: It’s all about wiping out ignorance, not coddling the ignorant.
Dave, if you’re still listening, will you permit me to speak from the other side of this dilemma? When I got married I had a friend who refused (at first) to attend my wedding because he didn’t approve of what I was doing. I think some of his reasons may have been the same as yours.
However, he changed his mind about a week before the wedding and called to say he would be there. He never changed his mind about my decision, but he loved me enough to support me in it, even as he disapproved. It is still one of the best memories of that whole time for me.
I don’t think it would be an immoral action for you to participate in this wedding, especially since you won’t have a really active part. I do think it would be an act of love.
And, as has been pointed out above, if these people are taking their vows seriously and mean to keep them, their is nothing immoral about them marrying sooner than later. Godly marriage consists of fidelity and mutual support, and the vows made to love each other are promises of action after the event, not emotion before. If they are faithful to each other and treat each other in loving and supportive ways, that’s all it takes to be within God’s will for marriage.
I don’t think you need to hide your thoughts from your friend, especially since you say he asked you, but then go ahead and love him enough to be there for him. And with a smile.