This is kind of a sticky situation. My honey and I recently found out that we’re expecting a baby - yay! We want to get married this summer, and I want to do it before I’m showing … We both want a low key wedding - immediate family only - which would give us about 12 guests. I was hoping to have it in his parents backyard, with a barbecue afterwards. We were thinking of having a bigger celebration next spring, with family from all over, and then everyone could meet the baby, etc. So far, so good, right? There are two Buts …
BUT # 1 … his sister is getting married this June … big Catholic wedding, tons of family, etc. His family is concerned that if we have our tiny little quiet wedding in May, it will overshadow hers, and be disrespectful to her plans.
BUT # 2 … his mom feels that if we have it at their house, the rest of his relatives will be very hurt and upset with her if they’re not invited, even though we’re going to make it really clear that it’s for immediate family only, and we’re not playing favourites by inviting one aunt and not another, for example.
What do you think? Any ideas how this can be resolved? I mean, BUT # 2 can be resolved more easily, although it hurts my feelings that we can’t have the wedding where we really want it …
Congrat on the baby! #1 I don’t see how a very small wedding is going to overshadow her event wedding. Unless her wedding turns into a disaster but you won’t know that when you get married. Though at her wedding don’t go around showing the photos from your event.
#2 It will be tough. I can imagine that some of the closer (geographically) just wanting to show up but personally I’d be glad not to have to make two trips.
#1: talk to the sister about it before you make plans. Your long term goals are (1) get married and (2) maintain good relations with family. A friend was in a similar situation (as the sister not as the you), and was mortally offended when she got invited to the sister’s wedding just 2 weeks before her own and hadn’t been warned that it was planned. If the sister is okay with a low-key family thing a month before her own, she’ll be a great ally to have. If she’s not, consider just having a civil ceremony with lunch afterward (less wedding-ish).
#2: what about a surprise wedding? If it’s not publicized, Aunt Betty and Uncle Barney won’t get offended. Invite the folks you’ve mentioned somewhere (a park or something), do a ceremony followed by a picnic. Tell them it’s an engagement party or something. And if anyone gives you flak at the sister’s wedding about not inviting them to your wedding, tell them that you plan a big celebration on your first anniversary, to which all will be invited, and that you planned only a small ceremony so as not to take away from the sister’s big day.
And on your first anniversary, consider “renewing your vows” will all the trimmings of a wedding. It’s done a lot more these days (particularly among military families) where the first wedding is rather spontaneous (bride wears a sundress) and the second wedding is more traditional (bride wears a wedding gown).
Campion - thanks - yeah, our wedding will just be a quiet civil ceremony in the early afternoon … I will discuss your second idea with my honey and see what he says.
This is OUR wedding dammit, not his family’s and I guess right now I’m kind of resenting the pressure to (a) have it when & where THEY want us to, and (b) invite the whole bloody clan … !!!
Whew - just had to vent …
One of the reasons I really want to have it before hers is so that when we see everyone, they will know what’s up, and we’re not keeping a ‘secret’, the way we would be if we held a surprise wedding afterwards.
I hear you. My brother’s “immediate family only” wedding grew to nearly 50 due in large part to my parents’ excellent guilt-making skills. “Do you want me to tell your GRANDMOTHER that she cannot attend her grandson’s only wedding?” followed soon thereafter by the slippery slope: “Well, if Grandma is coming, how can I tell Aunt this and Uncle that they are not invited – and if they’re coming, how can we not invite our oldest friends, the So-And-So’s?”
This is why I maintain that, if I get married, my family will learn about it after the fact. Like five years later.
Hang in there, Stainz – it is, after all, your wedding. As much as people will try to convince you otherwise.
