I went to a science fiction themed wedding once in which several guests were wearing Star Wars movie Princess Leia costumes which is basically a long, white dress though not specifically a wedding dress. Since the bride was wearing blue and silver, it seemed cool, but that is probably the only case I can think of in which white to a wedding was appropriate.
Depends. At my wedding, my new brother-in-law’s luggage was lost by the airline, so all he had was the clothes he was traveling in. Seeing as how his wife was the maid of honor, he was in almost every photo, dressed in jeans, sneakers, t-shirt and a leather flight jacket.
But he wasn’t trying to outshine the bride, of course.
I disagree with Shodan’s mother. There was a time when all men wore the same level of formality as the groom. A tuxedo, or a dinner jacket, wasn’t a “wedding uniform,” it was just the semi-formal, or formal dress for the evening, and all men of a certain social class owned and wore them. My father owned a set of formal wear, because some of the university functions he attended required it (this was in the 50s-70s-- by the 80s, people mostly just wore suits). A man is upstaging the wedding party only if he is dressed more formally-- for example, if they are wearing regular suits, and a guest shows up in white tie and tails.
Personally, I don’t like wedding dresses, and I didn’t even wear one at my own wedding, but yeah, the bride does have the option of a ridiculously expensive and impractical garment that has a tradition of about 200 years (Queen Victoria wore a white dress at her wedding, and people have been copying it ever since), and anyone wearing all-white at a wedding, who is not the bride, is going to look foolish, particularly if it isn’t the season for white. I’m not sure why anyone would want to do that.
If it’s the season for white, and a woman wears some white, like a white blouse with a skirt of some other color, to a day time wedding (particularly if she has some kind of vest, bodice, or jacket of another color), there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s my understanding that black evening dresses for women, or black suits that are not formal wear, which would be fine at an ordinary cocktail party, are frowned upon by some people as wedding wear, because anything that might be seen as mourning clothes are inappropriate. You are not supposed to suggest that you are staging some kind of objection to the wedding by being in mourning. Considering that a lot of people no longer wear black to funerals, though, I wonder if black at a wedding would register on guests as mourning the event, even if it were intended that way.
Yeah. Double yeah.
Not at all, if they’re the same person.
This also Isn’t Done. :eek:
Regards,
Shodan
I’m good with that, by and large. Which is why, when a member of a family that’s been friends of ours for decades decided on a “no children” policy for her wedding and reception, we sent our regrets.
But there are limits. There are always limits. “No shirt, no shoes, no service” at a grocery or convenience store is a limit. And at a wedding, yeah, the bride is the only one who gets to show up in something that looks like a wedding gown. An attempt to confuse that with Bridezilla shit is absurd. It’s not even in the same arm of the Milky Way as that sort of thing.
Not wearing white to a wedding? Is this an American custom? B/c it’s the first time I’ve heard of it. I remember seeing quite a few guest at the British Royal wedding who were wearing white.
I understand not wearing a long formal fluffy wedding dress. But what if you’re wearing a simple white sun dress to an summer wedding that’s in the afternoon. Is that also inappropriate?
Why can’t you wear white? no one’s going to to confuse you with the bride.
Because I’m your mother, and I raised you better than that.
Regards,
Shodan’s Mother, Wielder of the Disapproving Gaze. Trust me, you do not want the Disapproving Gaze.
The mother of the bride or groom wearing a wedding gown sounds completely inappropriate to me. But on the other hand, it also has always struck me as incredibly wasteful to spend all that money on a dress you’re only going to wear once. I’d think a young couple getting started could find better uses for that money. Oh, and are there any statistics on how many brides actually dream about getting married in the dresses their mothers got married in?
As for black being a no-no, why? At the wedding at one of my high school buddy’s children (he has 4, I don’t remember which one), the bride wore white and the bridesmaids wore black knee length sleeveless dresses. I thought they looked just fine and also thought they could be worn again, unlike some bridesmaid dresses that end up on a hanger in a closet for years before they go to the consignment store.
But I’m a guy, and we just don’t have the genes to understand this stuff, I guess.
Yeah, wedding etiquette in West Virginia might be a little different. I’m sure the Hapsburgs had their own set of wedding etiquette rules, too.
Same here! I have to go to one in June and am thinking – usual slacks and a more fun top than normal. Luckily it is being held in a barn and looks to be pretty casual (best man has been instructed to wear pants and shirt, no tie). I would seriously consider declining a fancy wedding.
I kinda wonder (not having seen the article) if the MILs wedding dress was just a regular evening dress or evening suit? maybe something she wore for a (recent) 2nd wedding? There have always been women who get married in a off-the-rack dress from the department store, not necessarily white in color. Actually my dress was white but it was ordered from Macy’s evening wear department, didn’t have a train and looked like something you might pack for a cruise. I wouldn’t wear it to a wedding but if we had a formal party to go to I might add a pink scarf and wear it.
I mean, wearing your original white wedding dress just seems to off-the-wall to actually be true.
Down here the boat shoes would be the conclusive sign of a *seriously *formal wedding. For more ordinary weddings it’d be sneakers. 
That’s OK, we can have her discuss the issue with Nava’s Grandmother and her multiple Cousins. Abuelita’s, not mine.
I wouldn’t have a problem if my aunt came to my wedding in her own wedding clothes, but that’s because she got married in a red suit 
If someone came to my wedding in some sort of white poofy getup and it wasn’t another bride or a first communion girl, I expect the guests would be checking if there are any reported escapees from the nearest psychiatric hospitals…
My sentiments exactly. There’s a vast spectrum between “the entire day is completely about the bride and no one else, period” and “it shows poor manners to intentionally do things to show up the bride and groom.” For example, I think it’s tacky for a guest to announce an engagement during a wedding, since IMO it’s an attempt to divert the celebration. One can respect that a celebration is fundamentally about the two people getting married without having to “worship” the bride.
Yes, a wedding is a community getting together to celebrate a new union, but it’s also typically a party thrown by (or at least for) the bride and groom. IME it’s inappropriate to call large amounts of attention to yourself, for example by wearing something especially gaudy (e.g. a wedding dress), by announcing that you just got engaged, by getting in a loud fight with someone, or by getting obnoxiously drunk and creating a disturbance. It’s not about worshiping the bride, it’s about being a good guest.
My fiancée is the polar opposite of a Bridezilla (wherein the idea of trying to have the perfect wedding actively stresses her out), but you can bet she (and I) would be pissed if one of our guests made a major spectacle of themselves. IME, wearing a wedding dress when you’re not the bride counts. I would also say that a man wearing a tophat and tails when the groom is in a standard tux or suit would also count.
I’m hardly the world’s expert on wedding dresses, but aren’t some wedding dresses made up of multiple parts? Could it be that MIL stripped away the more frilly parts (including the veil and train, of course) so that it wasn’t the entire ensemble?
Shodan’s mother must have never been invited to a black tie wedding where formal attire is expected of all guests. Most men wear black tux’s so precluding black tux’s being worn by guests would inappropriate and tacky to say the least.
I wore my wedding dress to my brother’s wedding. Of course, my wedding dress is a green raw silk shift from Banana Republic…
I in no way “attempted to confuse” the question of attire at a wedding with “Bridezilla shit.” My mention of Bridezilla was specifically on response to the “it’s the bride’s day” trope.
I’ll note that whenever folks write t Prudence about stuff like this—people worried that wedding guests are going to do X—her response is almost always along the lines of “forget about it, concentrate on what’s important, and be glad to have funny stories to tell when you’re old.”
Sometimes she agrees that there’s something off about it—like the groom’ smother showing up in a wedding dress. Sometimes she disagrees that there’s anything wrong about it at all—like a close friend who is likely to get drunk off her ass and use crude at the reception.
The point she always makes is that worrying about what every single person might do is not the point. If someone makes a fool of himself of herself then that’s on that person. The bride or anyone else needs only to worry about her own conduct and to keep her eye on what’s important about the occasion, not on policing every single person’s behavior.
It’s a party and a celebration. It’s a social occasion. That means society. That mean *other people[/]. And that’s people as people, in all their fucked up messy glory, not as mere props or set decoration in a play.
If that means photographs in which someone is uncoordinated in attire, that should be valued as an honest recording if the foibles of that one person, that family, or that occasion.
And if it means another couple announcing their engagement, that should be cherished above all, that two couples in this social groups can share this occasion as one of delight and happiness and love. The bride and groom should feel nothing but honor that such a thing could happen at their wedding.
A wedding should be about opening oneself up to the happiness of everyone on the social group, not a narrow, jealous, parsimonious focus on “the bride’s day” and a withered, paranoid fear of doing anything that might detract from some fiction that during a wedding, life and love is put on pause for everyone but the one bride and the one groom.
Yes, they’re the central couple in the celebration, but they should not seek to claim some right in being the sole couple of the occasion and that everyone else should be strictly restricted to the role of backdrop.
I attended a beautiful wedding in which the bride wore a nice dress, the groom wore a nice suit, and the best man—the groom’s uncle—wore a Hawaiian shirt, Bermuda shorts, sandals, and a big floppy hat with a rainbow flag button, because that’s the kind of guy he was and his family loved him and valued him for himself. They wanted him to be there as himself, wearing what he felt comfortable wearing, not in a false persona of someone forced to wear a costume he hated.