Situation: My mother has no siblings. My Father has two. Thus on my Dad’s side I have 7 First Cousins who I’m quite close to. (and one 1st cousin once removed, who will likely be our flower girl.)
However, on my mother’s side, I have no 1st cousins. Thus, gowing up, I was closer to my 2nd cousins on my mothers side than most 2nd cousins are. And there are a lot of them. (14 2nd cousins, plus 2 2nd cousins once removed.) Of those, I remain close to about 5 or 6 of them. (mainly the ones close to my age.)
On the contrary, the 2nd cousins on my dad’s side are a bit more remote. There are around 7 or so of them, most of whom I wouldn’t recognize on the street if I bumped into them.
(Things are different on my fiancee’s side because much of her family lives out of the country.)
Question:
So, if I invite one second cousin, am I obligated to invite all of them? If invite all the second cousins on one side, do I have to invite all the ones on the other side? What about the kids? Do we choose an age cutoff? We’re trying to keep the guest list manageable, but don’t want to offend anyone, and most of these people are people we want to be there, but some, frankly I don’t really care if they are or not. Unless some drastic cuts are made, the wedding is going to be on the large side no matter what, but still…
We are having a similar issue except more of the problem is with “friends of parents” than cousins and uncles and aunts. Both of us have parents who come from large families (6+ siblings) so we’re naturally going to have a large wedding as it is. Oh well. I’m inviting all the cousins on my mom’s side because we’re close. We don’t really know my dad’s side that well and they wouldn’t be able to travel for the wedding anyway. So no, I don’t think you have to invite the same people on both sides of the family. I think and hope that people understand that wedding lists are difficult to manage. One thing I’ve seen people do is have a small wedding followed by a larger more informal party for other folks. You may have to do this for your fiance’s family.
As for kids, we made a decision to not invite babies and children under 12. If they can’t eat with the adults, that’s pretty much the cut-off. No high chairs, no “special assistance.” We provided people with information for professional babysitters who would watch the kids in their hotel room.
My sister just got married, and she didn’t invite all the first cousins. I didn’t agree with her decision, but I kept it to myself - it was her wedding. I would automatically invite all the first cousins, and some second cousins, depending on closeness. (My sister actually invited one of our first cousins, but not her brother. Our parents were embarassed to no end.)
I agree with Peg that you don’t have to invite the same “sets” of people from each side of the family.
We had much the same situation as you. On my father’s side, I have no first cousins, and I know all my second cousins well. On my mom’s side, I have 2 first cousins, and barely know my second cousins. So, we invited my second cousins on my father’s side, and first cousins on Ma’s side.
But you probably shouldn’t invite only half of a particular group of cousins. That might lead to a lot of hard feelings. The ones that you aren’t close to are more likely to decline the invitation–and it may be a good chance for everyone to re-connect! It would be a bit different if there was only 1 or 2 second cousins out of 14 that you were particularly close to. You could invite 1 or 2, but I wouldn’t invite half and not the other half.
My family was recently snubbed in this way. (This is on my dad’s side where I know all my second cousins, and used to see them better than once a year.) There was a bar mitzvah a couple of years ago. They invited some of the cousins/second cousins and not others. Frankly, my folks wouldn’t have gone anyway (the bar mitzvah was held on Thanksgiving when we have other obligations), but I think they may have been a bit hurt not to have been invited. I’m afraid a rift has been caused. My aunt, who used to organize a fun “family reunion” brunch every year hasn’t wanted to do it for the last couple of years. I think her nose is a bit out of joint about not being invited to this bar mitzvah, and she doesn’t feel like going to the trouble to make sure everyone keeps in touch–especially since none of us really enjoy spending time with the branch of the family who had the bar mitzvah! But we (my aunt and nuclear family) always felt it was important to keep in touch. Nobody’s mad about it or anything, but it seems to have damaged a tenuous, but important, relationship.
Eh, sorry for the long story, but I guess I wanted to explain why I felt you shouldn’t invite half of your second cousins.
I agree that you don’t have to invite the same sets from each family. In my mother’s family, not inviting all of her many first cousins would have been a scandal. They grew up almost as siblings- all lived within a few blocks of each other.I saw them all regularly (like every few weeks) when I was a child. On the other hand, my father only knew one of his first cousins, and I don’t even know if the rest are in the US or Europe.On his side of the family, my first cousins didn’t invite me to their weddings. Obviously, not a family that will get upset because I didn’t invite all of my father’s cousins.
I also agree with Green Bean that there’s likely to be a big difference between inviting one or two of a group and inviting half of the group. I invited four of my second cousins ( I think I’m using it right- our mothers were first cousins) to my wedding, I was particularly close to those four, mainly because my mother and their mothers were double first cousins and very close, so I spent way more time with them than I did with my other 80 or 90 second cousins.(Huge family-my mom has about 40 first cousins)No one got mad. Somebody would have felt snubbed if I had invited twenty or thirty and left the rest out.
Of course you don’t have to invite anybody you don’t know and you certainly don’t have to expand the guest list beyond what can be afforded. Just remember that even though these relations might not be close to you, they could be important to other family members you are close to, so by not inviting them it’s possible you will encounter hurt feelings.
Weddings are not just celebrations for the groom and bride, but for entire families and communities.