I think we are in a time of transition wherein all rules are off. And I say that as a former wedding caterer! People routinely where black dresses to weddings these days. Both parents walk the bride down the aisle. Brides now often wear some theme like goth. Often the couple’s children are attending. Everything is changing. People are requesting ‘no gifts’, and having difficulty getting people to comply!
It’s confusing for the traditionalists, but on the upside it’s getting so people are breaking free of the, ‘image of perfection’, and societal norms, and instead getting something closer to what really matters to them. That’s a good thing, in my opinion.
The entire; a year to give gifts, not at reception, time frames for showers, $ amounts, etc, is going out the window, and I say good riddance.
That depends on tradition and where you are. I can’t remember black ever being a problem here (even twenty years ago), and I thought that “rule” only applied to morning or early afternoon weddings. Black at an evening reception is always okay, isn’t it, even by the more traditional standards? Seeing a female guest wear white, though, is still pretty unusual. (And I’ve even seen the bride wear black, but that’s highly unusual, too. Looked great, I must admit.)
Black and Red were, (not that long ago), entirely taboo, I believe.
And some of the changes, are not that pleasant. There was a time when the wedding toasts/speeches were sweet and endearing, not references to wild drinking/sexual pasts, yikes! Today women propose to men, people pay for their own weddings, often two cultures are being blended, even the figures on the cake tops - it’s all changing.
Perhaps it should fall to some sort of high powered ‘think tank’, (like you lot, here at the Straight Dope!), to reshape wedding traditions to reflect a more 21st century vibe. Shop from lots of different traditions, do away with the impractical, and, well, simplify and innovate!
I did eat. I was just being silly. As I said, the food was very good. It just didn’t take long to eat. It was a buffet so I could have gone up for more but I wanted to leave room for pumpkin cupcakes. It wasn’t an open bar but that doesn’t matter because I don’t drink even when it is free.
Anyway, I wasn’t saying I didn’t WANT to bring a gift to the wedding. I just didn’t know that two gifts were traditional and I didn’t want to commit an etiquette error. Luckily, I didn’t.
Same here. $200 gift for a couple and up depending on the relationship. Separate gifts for engagement party, bridal shower and cash for the wedding.
It was the same when I had my wedding reception, back in 86. Although the wedding gift was $100 or $150 per COUPLE at that time.
Honestly, I have never heard of a bridal shower gift counting as a wedding gift as well. However, I know gifts tend to be a regional thing. When I lived in NY, no one brought a gift to a wedding. However, since living in Florida, I have noticed gifts at first weddings. (Generally gifts are only given for second marriages where I am from)
This is family and they’re getting married a month before us-so my guess is that with the familial relationship, NY area and the two of us attending, $200 is what we should be giving them in 2012. I don’t feel like giving more than that though-for real, we are going to have to drive down to bloody Princeton and me in a saree.
Well, my numbers were per guest, so $200 is on the button for the minimum I would give anyone at a Chicagoland wedding if I were attending with my wife. But that’s because I could afford it now. When I couldn’t, I gave what I could.
Define “not that long ago.” I would have thought the same, but my wife explained to me the “rules” about afternoon vs evening weddings, and I looked up the etiquette, out of curiosity, and it seems she was right. Black was okay for evening dress, at least since the 90s.
This is from a book on 90s etiquette. I’m sure etiquette varies wildly among regions, ethnicities, etc., but a guest wearing black around here hasn’t been considered gauche for quite some time.
Had no shower and no registry. Just wanted to celebrate with our friends and family, and treat them to a fine time.
We still got gifts, which were appreciated, but at no point did we request anything from anyone. A lot of people gave cash, which is fine, but a couple of people brought “wedding” gifts, like some sort of windchime with a zany groom and bride - that was the weirdest. It just reeked of a desperation gift, and I wish they’d just keep their money for themselves, because all we wanted was their company.
If I go to a wedding, I comply with tradition of a $50 per person check. It makes me feel uncomfortable, and kinda angry, since it was explained to me that I needed to “pay for my plate” by an aunt when I was in my early twenties. Just tacky and awful.
Same here. But you’re not supposed to request gifts, or mention them at all, anyway (even to say “no gifts, please”), so there’s nothing unusual about that.
Not anymore. The shower invitation (and sometimes the wedding invite as well) always has all sorts of registry information, usually a custom card from the store itself.
I actually got static from several people because I did not do a registry. They totally didn’t get it.
If it makes you uncomfortable, why do it? Why not get the couple a gift from their registry or something else you’d think they’d appreciate? The wedding couple is not providing a service that you are entitled to pay for, they are throwing a party and requesting your presence to celebrate with them. But if it actually makes you angry, hell, don’t do it.
And for what it’s worth, showers usually DO have the registry information included because the entire point of a shower is to give gifts. And since it’s not given by the bridal couple, they are not requesting gifts for themselves. To include registry information in a wedding invitation, though, is tacky because it is not compulsory to give gifts at a wedding.
Agreed. If I don’t get a vote in how lavish the party is, don’t expect me to help finance the bride’s princess fantasy extravaganza. I’m not going to spend a week+ of my household food budget for some registry knick-knack because Bridezilla demanded all sorts of lavishness and Mom and Dad are having to try to make money back from the guests to pay for it.
I’m surprised at all the replies saying a shower gift is not a wedding gift; I have never heard that before. Nor have I heard of a bridal shower that calls for small gifts, vs a wedding gift, which is bigger.
A bridal shower IME is where the bride and groom have requested a bunch of crap on a registry, and I buy whichever item I can afford and then show up to the shower to give it to the bride. (Although the groom has attended occasionally.) If I either do not go to the shower, or do not get invited to it, I take a gift to the wedding. Either way the gift is the same, and they only get one.
I’m not going to buy two gifts. Nor have I ever heard that this is common practice. Must be a regional thing? If not, I’m still not buying two gifts. That’s just silly.
