About a year and a half ago I got married. An old friend of mine, who I’ll call Zaphod, was in attendance. Zaphod, bless his generous heart, gave us a wedding gift of $1000 cash. We had a pretty low-key wedding, and that was by far the largest gift we received.
The time has now come where good Zaphod is about to take the plunge and get married himself. So, remembering that he ponied up a cool grand as a gift, I was planning on being at least as cool to him as he was to us. However, my wife & I will have to travel from NY to San Diego to attend. The travel expenses alone are going to cost over $1000. So, I’m looking for opinions on what you think an appropriate gift to Zaphod will be. I’d like to give him cash, as he & his new wife will be moving back to the East coast months after the big day. I’m pretty much looking at cash amounts here. Am I insulting him if I give a $500 gift, knowing what he gave me? Should my travel expenses even be considered…is that selfish of me? I’m not cheap, but I’m hardly made of money either, and Zaphod’s will be the first of 2 weddings I have to travel across the country for this year.
Some answers to unasked questions…
Zaphod has not asked me to be in his wedding party, nor was he in mine.
Zaphod is a career military man, currently stationed in San Diego.
Zaphod has family & friends in NY and usually visits at least twice a year. One of those trips was scheduled to coincide with my wedding back in 2006.
Mr. & Mrs. Zaphod are not yet registered, and probably won’t register anywhere.
So to summarize…3 questions.
If you were in my shoes, how much would you give?
If you were Zaphod, how much would you expect? (I know it sounds crass, but it happens)
Should the cost of my travel be considered at all regarding his gift?
It depends how close you are, and if you really are that close, I’m sure he will understand your circumstances and wouldn’t hold it against you. Travel is expensive and inconvenient, and couples need to understand that “destination weddings” can really be taxing on their guests.
To tell a short anecdote, a college buddy of mine got married in 2004, and asked me to be his Best Man. We also played in a band together, and he asked me to play my saxophone at the wedding, so it was a double-honor for me. However, I lived in Florida, he lived in Georgia, the wedding was in Charleston, South Carolina, and I was unemployed at the time. In the end, I made it, had his back the entire weekend, and played beautifully, but there was no way I could have afforded to get them a wedding present on top of all that, and they knew it and did not expect one.
Of course, some people wouldn’t be as understanding.
Gifts are gifts. You give what you can afford based on your relationship with the person. There is no rule stating that you must give exactly what he gave you. I think $500 would be fine. In my opinion, flying across the country to go to someone’s wedding is the great thing to do, much more important than the amount in the envelope.
(By the way, have fun in San Diego - Its a great city!)
Honestly, it would be my style to give an actual gift, something unique and personal that they will cherish for years. It’s hard to find a gift like that, but it can be done you just have to pour a little creativity into it. That way, you have control over the cost and they still receive something very important to them. It’s a win-win.
If Zaphod is half as cool as he sounds, he’s not going to care one way or the other unless you completely stiff him. And if you feel bad about giving $500, take him and his new wife out to a nice restaurant sometime when they move to NYC as a “city-warming” gift. For four people, that 'll easily run you $300-400, and then you’ve satisfied your obligation insofar as you perceive it.
This assumes you’re making similar amounts of money, etc. If you make considerably less than he does, obviously you’re not going to give the same amount. However, if he isn’t so well off in comparison to you, then, IMHO, you do have more of a financial obligation to contribute.
Frankly, this is why traditional etiquette eschews cash gifts. Too much tit for tat bookkeeping.
If you insist on cash and can afford the $1000, I’d go with that–it’s not like they didn’t travel to your wedding, too. Though $1000 wedding gift to or from anyone who doesn’t share at least one of the bridal couple’s last names seems completely insane to me.
I would give whatever cash amount you want and if that’s well under $1000 then also include some sort of thoughtful gift with it – perhaps a bottle of nice wine or a restaurant gift card. Nothing super fancy (unless they have super fancy tastes) just something to make it personal and show how happy you are to be at the wedding.
Go to your local Really Nice Department Store and pick out something fairly large and housewares-y made of sterling silver. Have it gift-wrapped (your local Really Nice Department Store will offer gift-wrapping service). Include a nice, not-too-cheap card with a check for an additional $100. You’re done.
This gift is actually better than simply handing him a check because it shows you put some actual thought into it: you shopped. A less expensive gift that the giver put some effort into always trumps a more expensive gift that the giver gave by rote, or because it was “expected”.
If he gets hissy because you didn’t reciprocate with an equivalent check, that’s his problem.
Thanks for the advice and opinions folks. Keep em coming.
I tend to think like this, but I know they’ll have more expenses than they can think of when they move, and cash will probably be more appreciated than anything else.
You are right here, but he was completely insane to me first.
Well, he’s just this guy, yaknow? Actually, he’s very cool, so I’m sure he’ll be happy with us ‘just being there.’ I should have been clearer in my op though, they are not moving to New York, just the east coast. I think he’s going to be stationed in one of the Carolinas, so the night out won’t work. That being said, I’m leaning toward giving a cash gift & a gift with a little meaning.
I am getting married in April, and have some friends who will travel out for this. If any of them gave me $1,000 I would think they are certifiably insane.
I agree that you give what you can. Do not feel the need to compare your gift to his.
When I got married in January, my brother gave me a Wii. I thought it was the best gift ever, better than any of the monetary gifts I got, and is definitely the most used thing we got. And he was able to get it for list price, so it didn’t cost him anywhere near 1000 dollars. I hope to be able to return the favor to him sometime soon.
