I’ve been invited to a wedding, and I feel that a monetary gift would be the most appropriate thing for this couple. I’ve never given a cash gift before, and I’ve never seen my questions in any etiquette book.
(1) Whom do I make the check out to? The gift will be $100; it seems dangerous to mail cash since it could so easily be misplaced. I plan to mail the check shortly before the wedding, so the couple will not yet have the same last name and possibly not a joint checking account.
(2) How do I address the envelope? I will be mailing the check to the bride’s address since that’s where they will be living, but at the time the envelope arrives, they will not yet be living together.
(3) Can the check be placed in a “congratulations” card, or am I expected to write some kind of note, even though I’ll be at the wedding a few days later?
Oh - and address the envelope to both of them. By the time they get around to cashing, and writing thankyous and whatnot, hopefully he will have arrived.
The ‘old’ etiquette on wedding gifts was that gifts sent before the wedding were sent to the bride – in the old days, of course, the bride was usually still living at home with her parents, so the gift was addressed to the bride and sent to her parent’s house. In the case of a check (actually not a typical wedding gift in the old days), it would have been made out to the bride.
Nowadays, there isn’t really a rule about this other than that you shouldn’t send a check under a name that does not yet exist – this is for practical purposes, she may have trouble cashing the check before the wedding if it’s made out to her married name. If I were you I would address the card to both of them, using their current names and the bride’s address. Use a 'Happy Wedding" card and include a few handwritten lines of congratulations to both of them, but make the check itself out to only one of them. Since it will be clear from the address, and the note (not to mention the occasion) that the gift is for both of them it doesn’t matter which of them you make the check out to. Make it out to the groom if you are closer to him or, if you are equally close to both of them, make it out to the bride since the prevailing attitude in etiquette is ‘ladies first.’
If you don’t want to send a check, there is a wonderful thing that Visa sells - a credit card ‘gift card’. Basically, you put such and such amount of dollars on it, and they can use it as a credit card, but you are not limited to one place.
At the weddings I’ve been to, people brought presents which were piled up in a side room at the reception. For monetary presents, you would write a check and put it into a wedding congratulations card. Check if you’re expected to bring the present to the wedding or you’re supposed to mail it to the couple.
I know it’s not a fair interpretation, but I always feel that cheques are basically just a fancy looking IOU. They’re money that hasn’t been parted with yet.
A gift card (or one of those VISA credit ‘gift card’ things mentioned above) is fine, because the money is already spent and you know you’re not going to inconvenience anyone if you don’t go out right now and use it; you can wait until you see something you really want, however many weeks or months that may take. IMO, small amounts go on gift cards of some sort, large amounts go via direct bank deposit. That’s how I send it, anyway. /shrug.
Summary: I hate receiving cheques. I’d rather just not get anything, and that’s the honest truth. Which I’ll admit is a weird reaction given that I’m not all that financially fluid…but it’s the IOU factor and the knowing that someone hasn’t actually parted with the money, instead making me go and get it from their account… it feels like stealing.
Yes, I *know * it’s an odd outlook. No, I’ve never been able to get past it. Yes, my family think I’m weird with regard to this. No, I never cash in cheques given to me as gifts. (Weird, but not hypocritical. )
In these parts the usual custom is to either take cash or write a check out to Mr. and Mrs. Newlywed, put this in either a nice “wishing you joy in your new life together”-type card, or an appropriate blank card with your handwritten similar message inside. Then at the reception, at some point when the bride and groom make their rounds to see all the guests, you hand it to the bride with your best wishes. Many times the bride carries a white silken bag for the purpose of receiving such gifts.
Every wedding I’ve ever gone to (probably around 20 now in the last 25 years) my family has given money, in the form of a check. When we go to the reception there is a table for gifts and on that table is a decorated box for cards (cards with money in them presumeably). We’ve never sent cards beforehand unless we couldn’t attend the wedding.
The last 4 checks I wrote, I wrote out to “Mr and Mrs Lastname” or “The Lastnames.” I think when you ge tmarried it’s expected that there’ll be some confusion with names on checks so it gets worked out. So far they have all been cashed successfully.
We’ve discussed this here before, but it seems like money as gifts is a northern or even just a Cleveland tradition. When I went to a wedding in Georgia I was the only one without a proper “gift” and there was no card box. What my friends were going to do with the 3 sets of crystal stemware and two dozen matching dinner plates, I do not know. At least I know they could buy some food with my check.
We were happy to receive checks made out to my husband only–his name wasn’t changing, which was our rationale for that, but then we had no problem with other combinations. Which included “Mr. and Mrs. (lastname),” “C. and J. (lastname),” and even “Mrs. J. (new lastname).” Banks are pretty understanding.
> What my friends were going to do with the 3 sets of crystal stemware and two
> dozen matching dinner plates, I do not know.
This is the point of the bride and groom being registered with a store or stores for their wedding presents. A store will have a list (kept on a computer these days) that will allow you to know that you are the only one buying them a given item (which they have registered with the store as being something they want). Many couples are registered at national chain stores these days, so it doesn’t matter that the couple lives across the country from many of their guests. When the couple announces a date for their wedding, I ask them if they are registered somewhere. (Unfortunately, the tradition is that a couple can’t mention that they are registered themselves, which means that you must ask.) I would never buy an expensive formal item if I wasn’t sure that they wanted that specific item and that no one else had bought it for them.
They asked for that stuff. They registered for it. I do not know why. In the 4 years they have been in Ohio they have never had more than 2 people at their house - one being me. And I have never seen the top of their dining room table.
My point was more along the lines of “they are broke, but they have a shitload of dinnerware they’ll never use.” Which is why I think a check is a nice gift for a wedding. My friend (the groom) told me “we can return all this stuff for cash” but he didn’t break this news to his wife so a year later he still has his fancy dinner crap.
I just thought it was kind of foolish for two (broke) 35-year-olds who have been living away from home for 17 years to ask for a bunch of crap they’ll never use probably because it is written in the “big book of southern wedding etiquitte” that “thou shalt bring an expensive gift from Williams-Sonoma regardless of how much useful crap from Target the couple already has.”
As you’re all probably tired of hearing, I’m getting married soon. My mom is after me to register somewhere, but this is a second marriage for both of us, we have all the household stuff we need, and it feels icky to pick out my own presents! Mom says, “Do it anyway, as a courtesy to all the people who have no idea what to get you.”
So…is it a courtesy?
And if so, how can I make everyone band together and buy us a pool table?
Miss Manners takes out the smelling salts at the suggestion of gift registries. She says if someone decides to give you a gift in honor of your wedding (or any other occasion), you say “Thank you.” The very idea of requesting any, let alone a specific, gift.
Nor really, MLS. Miss Manners isn’t quite that easily shocked. While she isn’t nuts about gift registries for weddings, she does realize that they are common and accepted for (first) weddings. What would cause her to get out the smelling salts would be the notion that a bride & groom have to register, or the notion that guests have to buy off the registry, or the notion that any kind of ‘cash’ registry (for a honeymoon, or for a home mortgage, say) is acceptable. She also needs the salts when confronted with evidence that some couples are handing out their registry information before their guests have asked for it. That’s definately an etiquette violation. But having a registry isn’t in itself.
Dung Beetle – you certainly don’t need to register if you don’t want to. When people ask if you are registered, just smile pleasantly and say, “No, we didn’t register. It’s a second wedding for both of us and we really don’t need any of the usual gift-registry items.” If they press (“But what can we buy you, then?”) you should respond, “Really all we need is for our friends and family to be happy for us on our big day.” Some people will go out and choose a gift for you on their own, and some will send you money (which you can put towards your pool table.)
Your close friends and family, BTW, will also be asked where you are registered. They can be a bit more blunt, when they are asked. They should still start out with the they-aren’t-registered-because-it’s-a-second-wedding stuff, but when pressed, they respond, “Well, I know they’re saving money for a new pool table and I’m planning to give them money towards that.”
When my husband and I got married, we didn’t want gifts either. We were in our 30s, we had already set up our household, and we were asking all of our guests to travel for the wedding and felt that was more than enough to ask of them.
We didn’t register, and if there were a lot of complaints, at least they were made behind my back where I didn’t have to hear them. A lot of the guests insisted on giving us gifts anyway, so you should be prepared for that even if you don’t register.
I assume that the fact that we weren’t registered is why we mostly got cash and checks, along with a fair amount of crystal (bowls, vases, picture frames, candlesticks, etc. – is crystal a neutral?).
We also got a few very personal gifts that we loved, even though we didn’t want gifts at all – e.g., a handmade quilt covered with scenes that were significant to us, a framed set of antique postcards of the town where we got married. I’m sure we would have gotten those regardless of whether we had registered.
Bottom line? Your mother is right that some people do see a gift registry as a courtesy, but I would say that if you don’t want gifts, you don’t have to register for gifts!
Where I’m from, most brides get stuff from the registry at the bridal shower and a check at the wedding. You can even rent a bridal “mailbox” for the checks. At one time I would have puked over that and, in fact, refused the silk, drawstring bag for my checks, but it sure is convenient.
I understand that there are couples who don’t want anything from the usual sort of stores (doing kitchenware, etc.) for wedding presents but who want to be registered for something, so they will register at a store selling things related to their hobbies. They thus might register at a store doing camping equipment if that’s what they’re into. I’ve never met any such couples though.
I apologize for sounding patronizing about what wedding gift registers are, ZipperJJ. The reason for them usually consisting mostly of expensive, formal, and often useless stuff was that the tradition was that a couple was supposed to be in their early twenties, having never had their own household before, so they have to have all the standard kitchen items, etc. A couple that asks for formal stuff when they can’t even afford everyday stuff are a little bit stupid, in my opinion.
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