Ok, here is the story.
A friend of mine (we’ll call her Mary) is engaged, and we just received the wedding invitation yesterday.
Mary is a pretty good friend of mine (but we’re not best buds); her fiance (we’ll call him John) is good friends with my husband.
Mary was married once before…a big blow-out wedding, 12 bridesmaids, open bar, doves, limo, $3,000 wedding dress, fancy reception, the whole nine yards. I gave her a gift for that first wedding, a place setting of her sterling silver flatware (can’t remember what it cost).
Six months after this wedding, she left her new hubby. I (and others) had never received thank-you notes for the wedding gifts, and they were never returned. (I thought if a marriage lasted less than a year, the proper thing to do is return the gifts…to the giver, not the store) I know she still has (and uses) the china and flatware from this 1st marriage.
ANYWAY…this second wedding is apparently going to be just as big a production as the first one, down to the big poofy white :eek: dress. I know for a fact that she has 10 bridesmaids lined up, plus a couple of nieces and nephews for flower girls and ring bearers.
Mary and John have been living together for about 3 or 4 years, own a house, and both have good jobs.
Enclosed with the invitation was a note listing the different places they have registered for gifts, including, yes, fine china and sterling silver flatware.
My question (finally!) is this…I have no problem with giving them a gift, but what is my financial obligation? Do I need to buy something really expensive (which it seems is all they have registered for)? Do I need to buy them expensive china? Can I just get a $25 (or so) gift certificate at one of the stores where they are registered? Is this a little tacky, asking for expensive stuff the second time around?
Since there was no acknowledgment of that first gift, what should I do?
Get her a gift certificate and be done with it. No explanation is necessary, as she offered no explanation for not thanking you the first time around.
And DO NOT feel guilty.
I would say that you shouldn’t buy them a big expensive gift. You are not financially obligated to get them anything. Get them a package of paper plates if you want. You’re idea to get them a gift certificate is a good one that I would agree with. The fact that the couple are asking for expensive things is tacky, and should answer any questions you may have as to why you didn’t get a thank you from “Mary” for the gift you gave the first time she got married.
A general rule of thumb I use for acquaintance is: First marriage gets a gift; subsequent marriages my gift is my presence at the ceremony and (there better be a) following reception.
I break my rule for close friends, but I won’t break myself, either. A gift certificate is, in my own view, a little too monetarily specific. Seeing as I hate to shop, said certificates would otherwise be my easy choice.
That all being said, I’ll turn over my one-size-fits-all cheap-but-not-screamingly-obviously-so wedding gift suggestion: A glass (uh, puh-lease, real glass, at least) carafe (decent looking as cheap as $12 or so, and they’ll use it).
Manny years ago a friend of mine got married to a local society babe. I bought them a set of four crystal brandy snifters. Forty-five minute wait to get into the reception and, as I neared the door I realized I’d left the gift in the car. Rats! Oh, well! I’ll just run it by in a week or so when they’ve come back from their honeymoon.
Well, a week goes by and the package has been sitting on the passenger side floorboard and my Monte Carlo had a chronic door window seal problem and it had rained and the package really looked pretty sorry. Crap! OK, I’ll take it inside and first free weekend I’ll run over to the store and have it rewrapped (I don’t do wrapping).
So time sort of flies by and it’s been sitting on the counter, and, well, it’s ugly; so I open the package and put the snifters up with my other glassware and now it’s been a few years and as soon as the divorce is final, I have Chad over for some Brandy.
Mary was being pretty rude by not sending any thank-you cards for the first wedding, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be equally rude in response. It’s been, what, five years since Mary’s first wedding? It isn’t as though she regularly gets married just to get gifts. Get them something from one of the stores that they are registered at which is within your normal price range for a wedding gift. If everything at those stores is out of that range, get a gift certificate or just give cash.
(I’m assuming that we’re all in agreement about what a normal price range is for a wedding present. I would guess that at most middle-class weddings a fifty-dollar present is O.K., but setting up a registry in which every present is over one hundred dollars is pretty arrogant.)
In general, don’t think that you’re going to teach etiquette by responding to other people’s rudeness with your own rudeness. It doesn’t work. The best thing to do is to do whatever would be the proper thing in the circumstance and pretend you haven’t even noticed others’ rudeness.
Wendell “Ms. Manners” Wagner
Kinsey, you’re not obligated to give her any type of gift. Give what you feel comfortable giving. A gift certificate should be fine–or if you don’t want to get a gift certificate, buy something nice (but less expensive) that you think she’d like (either at the stores she’s registered at or elsewhere). You could even arrange to buy something she’s registered for jointly with one or more other friends, if you want to do that. (It is, btw, considered tacky to include registry information with the invitation.)
Thanks for all your answers.
I am going to get a gift certificate for them.
What I think is tacky (wasn’t sure about the registry info in the invite) is the fact that she is having another big fancy wedding. I thought for the 2nd time around, things should be a little more subdued. Especially the long white dress. I think that is just awful. I mean, who is she trying to fool?
I’d get them a gift, but it wouldn’t necessarily be anything for which they’ve registered, and possibly not even from the same store. Presumably, couples register for things to set up a household and get a marriage off on the right foot. She already has those things…they have a household…what could they be lacking (other than good manners, I mean)?
So get them a gift according to the price level YOU think is appropriate. Personally, I think a gift certificate is tacky, but I’m kinda old fashioned that way.
I agree that rudeness in response to rudeness is not the way. I also agree with others that a gift certificate is tacky. The message it carries for me is that the giver didn’t think enough of me to put some thought into a gift and go out and get it. BTW, Miss Manners says that originally the white wedding dress was not intended to signify virginity. Why everyone believes it does,I don’t know. How about giving your friend the benefit of the doubt. If the first marriage broke up after 6 months, things went downhill pretty fast after the wedding and the thank-you notes got forgotten about in that mess. So now she figures this guy is MR. RIGHT, so what the hell, she’s going to have her dream wedding again because this time it’s the real deal.
Give her the pleasure of your company.
Wow…this is almost a GD.
I’m not a fan of huge expensive weddings and even more expensive gifts on the registries, but one thing does bother me. Why is it okay to have a big wedding when it is the wife’s first marriage and the hubbys second or third but it is tacky to have a big wedding when the wife has been married before? Your wedding is important, even if you’ve had one before, and you should be able to celebrate that important (hopefully in a good way) step in your life as you wish. heaven help you if your just a tacky person.
As for gifts, I think it is tacky to get registered the second time around. Especially if they both have seperate households. Presumambly they both have the things needed to run a house. What more could they ask for? Better stuff? “I don’t like my toaster and I want a four sliced automatic sensor electronic super toaster, but I don’t want to buy one, guess I’ll put it on the registry”? Gifts for second marriages are more like birthday gifts. They are decent tokens of friendship, but certainly not expected.
I think that the advent of later marriages and more cohabition is making the wedding gift obsolete. When people are moving out, they are completely unequipped, and by the time they are married they pretty much already have what they need. What we need is a new milestone that celebrates a person moving out of their parent’s house, even if it’s not to be married, adn leave marriage gifts as tokens or get rid of them entirly.
This might be a little late and somewhat out of sync with American customs, but: I’ve made it a tradition of my own to buy 12 bottles of good (I do mean good, not necessarily hair-raisingly expensive - do some research here!) red wine for wedding presents.
Why ? Because people are BROKE after the big wedding, and they’ve doubtless been getting lots of nice wine glasses -and nobody wants to break in their new crystal wine glasses with an inferior vintage. Line out the reasoning on the card, if needed. Works for me.
S. Norman
Yes, technically, it is considered in very poor taste to offer registry information with the invitation. Unfortunately, several department stores have propogated this practice by giving “shower cards” that are meant to be enclosed with invitations!! This just irritates me. It’s also pretty uncool that she never thanked you for the first gift. As for returning gifts? I can’t see how boxing up used flatware or sheets or a blender and returning it to the sender accomplishes anything. If anything, the registry goof and the no thank you suggest that she doesn’t care much for formal etiquette. Neither do I, actually, but I’m willing to bend to it in soem cases, as in those cases where I will look like a total jackass for not following it.
HOWEVER, I have to say it is also in very questionable taste to pass judgment on how a couple, any couple, chooses to celebrate the joyous occasion of getting married. If she’s really a friend, and you’re truly happy for her, the correct response to this invitation is “How great that she’s doing this in a way that makes her happy.” Not “Who is she trying to fool.” Sheesh.
I had a small wedding, not fancy, that broke convention, and I am damned glad that my friends were happy for us, instead of whispering about why we hadn’t done X or Y. And one of the most wonderful weddings I’ve been to involved a grad school colleague who married again after leaving her abusive first husband. She had two kids, but she wore a gorgeous white dress and the day was a huge wonderful celebration of true love and commitment. I am glad she didn’t choose a “subdued” event since she clearly wanted something other than that.
Sorry to sound like such a b*tch, but I really hate how people take the joyous occasion of a wedding and turn it into a big fat list of DOs and DON’Ts and a chance to pass judgment.
I certainly was not trying to pass judgement (okay, I WAS a little judgemental), but I just think wearing a big poufy wedding gown, complete with a train and veil, is a little much for a second wedding. A white suit or even a floor-length dress would be more appropriate. Just my opinion.
Just for the record, the first time I married was a civil ceremony in the courthouse (no bridesmaids, no white dress, etc), so when my 2nd hubby and I got married, I felt like I had missed out and wanted a real “wedding.” I bought a dress at a bridal consignment shop…ivory, no train, no veil, no strings of beads, it was very simple. We had our daughters (one mine, one his) and 2 nephews and a niece be our attendants. They were all under 12; it was really cute. We paid for their outfits, and most of the wedding. My parents and his parents insisted on giving us money to be used towards the reception, but other than that, we paid for everything ourselves. We also did NOT register for gifts, in fact we had printed on the invitations: “No Gifts, please”, but people still gave us gifts. Go figure.
Miss Manners would tell you that it is never correct to respond to rudeness with more rudeness. Not sending a gift is inappropriate. A good guideline is to spend the equivalent amount on the gift as the couple will be spending on your meal, say, $75. A gift certificate is just tacky.
Oh, and one other Miss Manners tidbit:
Wedding gowns are not subject to Truth in Advertising laws. Your friend could be the biggest sleaze in town, and this could be her 5th marriage, but if she wants to wear white, that’s her perogative.
give her a box of thank-you cards 
Ok, so my meal costs $75. So does my husband’s meal, obviously. So are we then obligated to spend $150 on them?
I don’t think so. A wedding invitation is just that, an invitation to share in their day. It is not a requirement to buy them a gift. I have known girls who add up the (supposed) cost of their wedding gifts, and compare it to the cost of the entire wedding to see if they “broke even.” I think THAT is the height of tackiness. Having an expensive wedding in the hopes of getting expensive gifts is just ridiculous. People should give gifts from their heart, not because they “have to.”
As I said in my OP, I have no problem with buying them a gift. I was just curious as to what some other opinions would be on the subject.
As for the white wedding dress, fine, if she wants to wear white, then that’s her choice. It’s the whole “wedding-as-a-production” thing that gets me. Even for first-time brides, I am opposed to big, elaborate, ostentatious weddings…just my OPINION, of course.
I agree that if you attend the wedding or reception, you should bring something, but I don’t think that you have to spend as much as you would for a first wedding. Especially if they already have established households.
The point of wedding gifts is to get a couple off to a good start; if they’ve established, asking for gifts seems to be just plain greedy to me.