I am sorry to have to disagree with you Guy. You are right about what Miss Manners says about rudeness. However, the context that I have heard her use it in is more of “she shouldn’t send the invitation back with a note asking for her first gift back” kind of thing.
I believe that Miss Manners would agree (because I have seen her say so) that you are NOT obligated to purchase a gift for someone just because they are getting married. They invite you to the wedding because they would like you be there. If you bring a gift it is because you want to.
I think the guideline of spending as much as the meal is silly. How do I know how much the meal is going to cost them? What if I thought it was going to be a $75 meal and when I got to the wedding it was finger food and a cash bar? Should I return my gift and get a cheaper one?
Fair enough, Kinsey, I see where you are coming from.
I don’t think that gifts are just about getting a couple off to a good start when they’ve got nothing. HOWEVER, I had an idea that might be more palatable to you. When we got married, someone made a donation in our name to a local charity. The charity was set up for this and sent us a nice card. Okay, being a somewhat greedy little animal, part of me was like “Hey! Where’s my useless piece of expensive crystal I get to dust around for the next 20 years.” But mostly I thought it was pretty cool. They didn’t waste money on buying us, the thirty-something couple, crap we didn’t need, but they also didn’t just let the event slide without recognizing it with a gesture. It’s cool, it’s different, it’s not a cheapskate move, and someone with true need, not a bride whose manners have offended, gets the real benefit of your gift.
Kinsey, a suggestion straight from the pen of Ms. Manners (who, IMO is not only a goddess, but hilarious as well):
Under traditional rules of etiquette, wedding guests have up to one year after the wedding to send a gift. With Mary’s track record, this rule makes more sense than usual. Why not just wait a bit, and see how you feel with the pressure off?
Seriously…I’m just throwing in my two bits of support in saying that a gift certificate is more than appropo.
A former roommate of mine got married a year ago April, and filed for annulment within 6 months. Gifts? He let her keep it all. That just has to be weird. I’m thankful I didn’t get her anything (I wasn’t exactly crazy about her marrying this guy. She’s a bit bitchy, and he’s…well…truly mentally ill, but in denial about it). I was waiting, knowing I had a year to get her something, but the marriage fell apart before I got around to it. Ah, well.
** Kinsey, ** do you even * like this person? * While I’m usually with the don’t return rudeness with rudeness crowd, I’m also NOT in favor of keeping a relationship going that isn’t a healthy one in the first place.
You said she was a friend, but it doesn’t * sound like much of a friendship. * I don’t think I’d even go the gift certificate route, I’d send a ‘Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials’ card and leave it at that. If she doesn’t speak to you again, what have you lost??
Well, yes, she is a friend, and I will let it go about not getting a thank you for the first gift, because I think she knew right away she had made a mistake and was a little lost for awhile. And yes, she is a little lacking in the manners department. I would have to lay some of that blame on her parents. That’s another thread, though…
I was just looking for some opinions on gifts. I don’t think gift certificates are tacky at all. And yes, responding to rudeness with rudeness is wrong, also.
I got them a $25 CG to one of the stores where they registered. Everything else was over $50 and I just couldn’t bring myself to spend that much on some fancy little pickle fork or relish spoon. If she really wants a stupid sterling silver pickle fork, she can shell out the rest of the money herself. Sheesh. Use your fingers like everyone else.
