My wife and I will be attending a wedding at which I will be a member of the wedding party. We just received the invitation and were surprised to find there was no response envelope, although there were instructions to RSVP by a certain date. The invitation stated that the bride’s parents were inviting us to the ceremony and the groom’s parents to the rehearsal dinner, but there was no contact information enclosed. There was a return address on the envelope, but it was of the couple themselves and not either set of parents.
We assumed the explanation was one of three things:
(1) They didn’t bother including a return envelope because they knew we were coming, being in the wedding party and all. They just sent an invitation so we could have one.
(2) They didn’t really care by what method you RSVPd, just so long as you did.
(3) They were expecting a hand-written response, which went without saying.
Well, we acted on #2, only to be mildly rebuked that it was actually #3 (a way both “old fashioned” and “proper”). This couple operates in what we’ll call a different social circle than Mrs. AG & myself, but we’ve been to enough weddings to have some experience and found both the protocol and expectation a bit peculiar (naturally, they’re still expecting a written response from us).
Any Dopers run into this habit/tradition/rule before? Given that there seems to be a “proper” way of doing things, anything else we should know? Do we buy a card for the RSVP? Is stationery OK? Any other dos and don’ts so we don’t cause further offense?
That’s it.
That is actually the “old school” way of doing it; response cards were invented for lazy slobs.
You needed to write a simple note stating,
“Dear Mr. & Mrs. ParentsofBride;
We accept with pleasure the kind invitation to Mary and John’s wedding.
We look forward to seeing you there.
Sincerely,
Dave and Sally ArchiveGuy”
Technically, it should be on a heavy off-white linen notecard-type stationery with your monogram, but whatever stationery you happen to have is fine, IMHO.
The last couple of weddings I’ve been to have done this same thing.
Well, #3 is more “proper,” but pointing out someone elses impropriety is more rude than whatever the original error was, so you’re in the clear etiquette-wise. (According to Miss Manners, anyway.)
If you want to out-proper them, write the note in the 3rd person–“Mr. and Mrs. John Smith accept with pleasure…” That was how the really proper people sent acceptances to us. (Not that we expected them.)
Mr. and Mrs. ArchiveGuy
accept with pleasure
the kind invitation of
<insert names of the hosts of the wedding>
for Saturday, the twenty-sixth of October
at four o’clock
<place of wedding>
centered in the page.
(From Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings, page 147)
Still, when you guessed the response was #2, and did tell the hosts “we’re going.” They shouldn’t have made a deal out of it, instead just gone ahead and put your names on the list of attendees. Very, very rude of them to say anything to you about your reply. (Much more rude than replying in the “improper” form.)
I agree with lieu and would add that being a member of the wedding party probably even places you closer to the groom. C’mon now your friends. Just ask him.