In the Ann Landers wedding cake-smashing thread, I mentioned that my husband’s brother is getting married soon. This reminded me of another dubious wedding custom that occurs in their family–that of the wedding “roast”.
This is a “roast” in the Friar’s Club sense, but not nearly as funny (IMO). The idea is, while you are giving toasts at the wedding reception, you tease the bride and groom by bringing up embarrassing incidents from their past, usually from childhood. MIL has been saving up barbs for years to lob at her children on “the happiest day of their lives.” She did this at our wedding (I had no idea this was coming, BTW), and it seemed awfully one-sided, since, for whatever reason, my family does not seem to dwell upon embarrassing childhood incidents involving me. SIL got married, and was annoyed that this custom gave several people a chance to hog the microphone, among other things. Now, BIL is getting married, and his fiancee has requested that his family not make asses out of themselves at her wedding reception, so she wants the roasting, if it has to be done, relegated to the rehearsal dinner. My husband, as the best man, has decided to respect her wishes and not pass the microphone around at the wedding. I doubt that MIL will be too happy about that, since she has “so many stories saved up” about her little boy.
Has anyone else observed this custom? Why do people do this? Is it just innocent fun, or is it a way to vent latent hostility? Is it normal to dwell upon your children’s embarrassing childhood incidents? Is this sort of stuff funny? Is there something I’m missing here?
I haven’t seen this done but I agree that it belongs at the rehersal diner. The weird things about weddings is that the families can have totally different views on behavior so it’s kind of difficult at times. For instance my wifes family likes big formal wedding recptions but I know some of my relatives were thinking “Jeeze why don’t you just have a back yard BBQ and give the kids the 5 grand.”
So how bad are the stories. Do they talk about things that were sealed by the court or what?
It seems to me the poetnetial for something bad happening–somebody (esp. a drunk somebody) saying something that really hurts someone’s feelings/ruins the big day far far outweights whatever amusement everyone might get out of Uncle Rory’s story abut the time you had explosive diaherra. There are plenty of ways to have a good time at a wedding without doing this, so why take the risk? Are people going to go home and say “At the Smith wedding all we did was dance, small-talk, drink, eat too much good food, but at the Jones wedding we got to hear how the Groom spat on his 7th birthday cake! Whoo-Hooo! That was a blast!”
People sometimes stay embarresed about things tehy did as a child for much longer than anyone else thinks they should. Family ribbing is an old tradition and something that family is entitled to, but it is not needed on your big day.
Why not make the roast interesting and useful at the same time? Take the most annoying soon-to-be an in-law, roast them, and serve them as part of the wedding banquet.
I’m sure Miss Manners and Martha Stewart would approve.
It is a very GOOD thing.
I’ve seen this done at a lot of weddings, and I think it can be really good or really bad.
When it’s really good, it’s usually a friend of each of them doing the ribbing. Either that, or someone in the family who is just…a natural storyteller. I attended one wedding where the brother of the groom was a professional MC/stand-up comic. The stories were embarassing, but really funny, and he told them very well. The story led up to a really beautiful message about their life & happiness together. I actually wanted him to go on and…yes, I was a little misty at the end.
I think if it’s one or two people, who can make the stories mean something and not just be embarassing (for the roastee as well as the roaster), it can be good fun.
However, on the flip-side, I’ve seen roasting that’s really bad. Where the microphone gets passed around to whomever thinks they have a good story. Most times it’s simply appalling. People get so drunk that they can’t say there own name, let alone tell a good anecdote. Most of the time it’s on a whim, too, so they haven’t really thought about if it’s a good story.
If it’s one person telling a funny story or two about the couple and it’s planned out before, then I’d enjoy it. But I agree with you that just passing the mic around to anyone with an embarassing story usually ends up rather poorly.
Bingo. I’ve never seen this done when I didn’t just want to crawl under the table in embarassment for the “roastee”. I think that any time feelings get hurt or shame is invoked in the name of humor is cruel. The problem is, the “roastee” is usually then taunted as a “spoil sport” for protesting.
No, at least I don’t think so. Some of the items may appear in confidential medical records, though.
At my wedding, they talked about the time when one of my husband’s sisters had a birthday party and only invited girls. Therefore, in order to get any birthday cake, my husband and his brother had to dress up in women’s clothing (“dress-up” box stuff) (and I believe that my husband called himself “Priscilla” or something like that.) Somehow, during this party, the two boys were locked out of the house and had to beat on the door while in their skirts and high heels in order to be let back in. They also talked about other things they could get my husband to do in order to get cake. He really likes cake :).
I don’t remember most of the other stories. That’s another problem I have with these roasts…many of the stories are the “you had to be there” type, so many of the people there are lost (and, presumably, bored.)
The worst story was when one of our friends revealed that my husband is, well, shy about urinating in front of lizards. (Don’t ask.) I definitely think the “drunk somebody ruining the wedding” potential is quite high with this activity. We’ve been pretty lucky so far, but there are four weddings left to go in this family. :eek:
Another strange thing…MIL has been putting together a book full of these stories for each child as they get married. She thinks that, by reading these books, we daughters/sons-in-law will have all kinds of volatile information to hang over our spouses’ heads. (Why she thinks we need this, I have no idea.) I read the book. This book is written in such a style that it is absolutely incomprehensible to anyone who was not there (or who has not heard these stories a thousand times before.) Although I am referred to in this tome, my name is not mentioned. Instead, I am referred to as the “Dragon Queen” (my husband is called “Prince Charming”, BTW.) A story about your children, with all kinds of family memories, is a touching idea, and a boon to future generations. Unfortunately, future generations are going to look at these books and go bald with head-scratching.
No offense, Manda JO, but speak for yourself! A few years ago, Mr. Rilch and I attended a wedding which had an incident like this: simultaneously horrible and facsinating.
Dave*, who is an Army Ranger, was marrying Kim*. Dave’s brother Sam* was the best man, the other groomsman was Dave’s Army buddy Jake*, and Sam’s fiancee Laura* was a bridesmaid. Between the ceremony and the reception, the wedding party took a looooooong ride around the city, during which they got supremely loaded. Well, Sam made a touching, if somewhat rambling, toast, and then Jake took the mike. He started off praising Dave’s dedication and loyalty in serving his country, and then somehow segued into accusing no one else of knowing what an Army Ranger endures in the name of patriotism.
We were at the same table as Laura’s parents, and her dad is a 'Nam vet. I wasn’t looking at him, but Mr. Rilch was, and he told me afterwards that he was rapidly getting steamed. When Jake got as far as saying “So when you schmucks are warm in your beds in the morning, remember that we’re out there—” I felt something brush against my arm; Laura’s dad was getting up to challenge him! Verbally or physically, I’ll never know, because Sam reclaimed the mike, said something placating, then handed it to Laura so she could toast the B&G. (I think that is one of the best man’s responsibilities: stamping out brush fires of this sort.) Then the guys tried to sing “Ballad of the Green Berets”, but couldn’t remember the words.
Props to Kim for keeping her cool throughout this. Anyway, Mr. Rilch and I are the kind of people who say “Someone made an ass of himself! Woohoo!”
As I understand it, it was considered normal in France for the brides relatives to play practical jokes on her on her wedding day. Flaubert talks about them in the 1850s and my teacher, who’s French talked about how when she was growing up in the 50s this practice still went on and how she felt so bad for the wives. The one joke Flaubert desceribes in Madame Bovary was that I assume as she was waiting in her room for the ceremony to begin one of her cousins, a loutish oaf, had a mouth full of water and was preparing to spew it through the keyhole when her father caught him and stopped it. But only because Emma had begged him to do that first earlier.
Hastur, you are divine! Red wine of course with your suggestion, no?
And regarding the OP…
I have seen all kinds of weird stuff done in the name of fun and frolick at many a wedding, including but not limited to: taking a garter off of the bride’s leg in front of a couple hundred people (!), “announcing” the members of the wedding party (are we on the David Letterman Show?), bride and groom smooshing cake into each other’s faces after they cut it, et cetera. These shenanigans, in my opinion —especially “roasts”— struck me as tacky and show-offy. Roasts in particular are usually just plain silly. They are written in most cases by people who have no idea how to begin to be funny, and the anecdotes and one-liners contained within them often come off as “cringers” and “stinkers” as opposed to genuine wit. Leave the comedy writing to the pros, folks, and leave the bride and groom alone.
Gosh. I’m sorry if I sounded crabby, but I really can’t stand bad comedy writing. Maybe I should just lighten up at the next wedding I have to attend and drown my criticisms in bourbon.
(my husband is called “Prince Charming”, BTW.) A story about your children, with all kinds of family memories, is a touching idea, and a boon to future generations. Unfortunately, future generations are going to look at these books and go bald with head-scratching.