Wedding Thoughts and Musings

In My Humble Opinion
21

I’m getting married in May. We’re having an “immediate family only” ceremony, then the next day we’re throwing a big casual party. We’re young-ish, our friends are young-ish, and this will probably be the last/only time we can throw a big party for everyone we know.

Pictures: a friend is a wedding photographer
Invites: a friend is a graphic designer (and architect… he’s so talented).
Food: caterer all picked out, liquor at a discount

Anyone wearing a tux will get sent home to change. :smiley:

etiquettehell is a fun site to read, but I try not to take anything to heart. Bridezillas (the show and the women) drive me absolutely bonkers.

22

The most important statement posted, so far, in this thread:

The next most important statement posted, so far, in this thread:

(Now, of course, I will foolishly post my own comments that I have just suggested you ignore.)

Kids: If you have a reasonable expectation that kids will behave at the ceremony, go ahead and invite them. When we got married, we were lucky enough to be at a baby-free/toddler-free interval in our extended families, which made it easier. For us, the whole point of the day was the exchange of vows, with the reception a celebration of the vows, so we wanted everyone at the service. Actually crying kids can be a hassle, but any kid who can sit through Sunday (Saturday) Service can sit through an exchange of vows. If there are kids who might be a problem, consider getting a babysitter. (For a church service, the teens who help out at the nursery on Sunday might be a resource.)

For the flowers/dresses/number of guests/etc.: You can read Miss Manners or Emily Post, (and it wouldn’t hurt), but their audience tends to be East Coast, urban, professionals and many of their “rules” are shaped by both the culture and the social class of their audience. If they suggest (or insist on) practice A and every wedding you’ve been to violates that rule, then ignore the rule and do what is comfortable among your social/familial peers. (If you and your fiance come from different cultural or ethnic traditions, go with hers–and God have mercy on you.)

23

Enright3, there are so many different ways you can have a wedding, from the super-formal to the ultra-relaxed. You’ve just got to decide what works best for the two of you and your respective families.

But we’re jumping the gun here a bit, ain’t we? Have you even proposed to this lovely lady yet?

Now THAT’s an event that requires some planning! :slight_smile:

24

Do what you want. I never wanted a huge production wedding. We had a tiny wedding at the registry office with a tiny reception afterwards (12 guests for both) upstairs in the gallery portion of a cafe, and that was that. The whole “how it’s supposed to be” thing just annoys me. It’s an event. The one requirement is that somewhere in there you end up legally married. The rest is your own call (together, of course.) I didn’t even want the wedding we had but compromised to make family happy. (Wanted to more or less elope. Was told in no uncertain terms that this would break parents’ hearts.) Refused to have a registry since it wasn’t my intention to get married and get stuff - this pissed off some family but to heck with it. How things are done is far less important than what will make you and the people around you happy and comfortable.

25

I did the same thing and got many compliments. I picked an extremely simple princess cut pattern, beautiful embroidered fabric, and was off to the races.

I don’t have any pictures of the whole dress online, but, well, here’s my sleeve.

The dude in the hat is my husband. :smiley:

We had a very small wedding, with only immediate family, and then a large, casual reception. It was pretty nice.

For cakes, we went with cheesecakes in different flavors and got rave reviews. They were arranged on spiraling tiered holders.

26

Hey, dumb question time! I’m trying to work out how things are going to happen on my wedding day, and someone brought up the toast by the best man. Then we started thinking of stuff like the bouquet toss, or the garter toss…these are things I haven’t given a whole lot of thought to and I don’t quite understand where they go in the scheme of things. Could someone here give me a rundown on the traditional things that happen during a wedding, and a timeline of sorts so I know what’s supposed to happen when? (Of course, then I’ll decide to dispense with most of it, but humor me.) :wink:

27

Well, it varies, but here’s what we are doing:

12.00pm Official photos
3.30pm Ceremony (including one reading)
4.15pm Drinkies and nibbles and family/friend photos with official photographer
5.30pm Speeches (Father of the Bride, Groom, Bestman) followed by cutting of the cake
7.00pm Reception buffet

We aren’t doing any tossing of garters or flowers!

28

In the olden days, (at least, in the States), the bouquet toss was delivered by the bride as a farewell gesture after a brief reception. (I have no idea whether that was purely American or originated in Britain, or wherever.)

However, lots of European immigrants brought along the traditions of long, exuberant receptions that lasted for hours in which the couple participated. (At one point, in some ethnic groups, no one was allowed to leave the reception until the couple had departed; in other groups, the couple was expected to bid all their guests farewell. It’s fun living in a society with mixed cultural norms.) Somewhere in there, since the happy couple was no longer making a quick exit, the bouquet toss was moved up to coincide with the dancing. Then that idiotic garter thing started, where the groom removes the garter from the bride, tosses it to the single men, then the guy who catches the garter winds up placing it high on the leg of the woman who caught the bouquet.
We had decided to skip all that, but the crowd was eager to go through that nonsense and, rather than making a scene over resisting, we just went along with it, although with very little fanfare (or leg exposure). If you have a DJ or a band leader/MC, they will “guide” you through that nonsense (sometimes regardless whether you want to or not).

29

Our timetable was something like this:

Wedding Ceremony: 1430-1515
Line-up in vestry:1515-1530
Drinks for guests and photos at reception venue: 1600-1730
Dinner and cake cutting: 1730-1930
Speeches:1930-2000
Band: 2030-2300
DJ:2230-0100

Some of our timings were a little off (dinner and speeches took longer than planned), but it went off without a hitch (well, nothing that I consider to be a hitch). Hubby and I left at midnight.

Having the speeches after dinner was because if we ran over and the evening guests arrived early it seemed better for them to be able to come in and listen to speeches, rather than for them to be waiting for everyone else to finish dinner. It also meant that everyone had a drink or three before the speeches. The downside was that the speakers were too nervous to eat most of their dinners!

We don’t really do the garter thing here (and I think it’s a bit seedy myself) so we skipped it, and we had decided before the wedding that the bouquets were going to go on the family grave (where my sister, uncle and grandparents are buried) so we didn’t do a bouquet toss either. Nobody seemed to notice the absence enough to comment on it.

30

I think I’d like to skip the garter and bouquet throws too. We won’t have many single people attending anyway!

sandra_nz, tomndebb, irishgirl: Thanks for your help.

31

One can certainly do worse than to skip the bouquet and garter toss. At one wedding I was in, the bouquet had to be tossed twice (I fear the bridesmaids ducked and the bouqet ended up on the floor before being retossed–caught this time by the flower girl. The single adult females were still all looking like we didn’t want to be anywhere near the dance floor). The garter went better, getting caught the first time, though there was a dearth of single gentlemen–the groomsmen were all outside decorating the “getaway car”

32

I think that weddings are always special times and honestly, the age of the participants has nothing to do with it. The people you’re inviting are your friends and family - how could they *not * think it’s a ***very ** * special day? :slight_smile:

Actually, she only deserves everything that goes with a happy marriage. That’s what it’s all about. :smiley: (Which you know, of course. I’m just gently teasing, in case it doesn’t come across well in text!)

Regarding the registry: well, as I see it, the purpose of wedding presents - and in particular, registries - is for young couples who are moving out of home for the first time and have nothing; it’s so they can start their new life with the things that make life easier - bed linens, crockery, cutlery, electrical goods, etc. It’s not so they can haul in the phat lewtz, although many brides and grooms seem to view it that way (I’m not referring to the OP here; this is purely generic stuff).

Then there are the people who think that because their wedding is costing X dollars, they have the right to ask for a certain $ value of presents. This isn’t so. If a person decides that the only way they’re going to be happy is to have a big wedding with all the frills, that’s their call, but it’s not up to the guests to subsidise the event. That’s a bit like buying a huge house and then charging admission to your friends to visit. (I’m sure the Analogy Police will write me up a ticket for that one…in which case I challenge them to find a better one!)

I’m not suggesting that people can’t give gifts if they want to - it’s a nice feeling when you give someone you care for a gift on their special day! - but registry cards make it seem like an obligation, and not everyone can afford the kind of things that tend to turn up on registry lists. If you put a selection of lower-cost things on there as well, that’s not so terrible. If you put only expensive things on there, you’re indicating there’s a ‘minimum spend’ before the person is good enough to attend your wedding, and that’s where I think it tends to go very bad very quickly.

But generally, I think asking for presents is just a bit ‘off’, regardless of how it’s done.

Whatever you decide to go with, you’ll obviously have put a lot of thought into it and that’s all that counts, really. I - and everyone here - can only give you our perspectives, but when you get down to it you are the only one who really knows your friends and family and what would work for them. (Maybe you should run these questions past some of them, informally?)

I do hope you have a wonderful wedding day, and that your marriage is a source of joy to you both.

Best of wishes. :slight_smile:

For what it’s worth, I specifically requested no gifts for my wedding, because I was 26 and had been living away from home for 5 years and had already sorted out everything I needed. My dad paid for the ‘reception’ though - he wanted to pay for some of the wedding costs and I knew it meant a lot to him, so I compromised on that. There’s a fine line between being independent, and giving people the feeling you’re telling them to (checks forum) er, ‘butt right out’ of things.

33

Wow! So many great comments in this thread! I’ll start by replying to this first.

Uh… it’s official! As of 1/21/2006. Kathy and I went out to a nice dinner in down town Atlanta (ok, Midtown) and I asked her over dinner. We went to see Cats later on that night. Neither of us really remember the musical. :slight_smile:

I have a slew of other questions, but I think some of them might need to be in their own thread.

E3

34

Some things just seem to fall in place. We’ve decided on something in August. Probably the 5th or the 19th. My OP was asking questions in general. I made the mistake of going to the ‘wedding hell’ website that was listed above. What a mistake. Only go there if you want to see people pissed off for no apparant reason. I enjoy my age, and the ‘calmness’ that comes with it. On a personal note, it never occurred to me to not invite children. After all I have three of them! (ages 15, 19, and 22).

Back to how things fall in place… K’s mother wants to help. More power to her. She wants to pick the reception hall, etc. K has asked my two daughters to be her bride’s maids, I asked my son to be a groomsman. We’ll fill extra slots as they come up. I don’t get too excited if things don’t go as planned. We’ve having two priests for the ceremony as they’re personal friends of ours. No receiving line, no garter, no cake smashing, no throwing of the bridal bouquet. Just an old fashioned wedding mass, followed a grand reception that we’ll probably pay too much for. She knows a million people because of a former job she had. We’re trying to cut it down to 200 people :eek: . We’re going to have a good time. We’ve decided we’re probably not going to rush off to the honeymoon , we want to stay and enjoy our guests at our reception, furthermore, we will probably go to the brunch the following day for the out of town guests that her mother wants to have.

I’m the luckiest man in the world.

35

Congratulations! Thanks for following up on your earlier posts with the good news.

The way my mother explained it to me, there are two reasons for a wedding registry. One is to increase likelihood of getting things you want. The other is to make sure that everyone who wants to give you a present knows they can get you something that you’ll like. The way she put it to me, the important things are to register for a) things you really would enjoy and b) things of different price ranges (some elderly aunt or young cousin may be very proud of giving you your napkin rings or utensils, but I’ve also met people who really want to give someone all of their silver).

We didn’t use the registry cards; some people say it looks like begging. I can usually find the registry online by visiting five sites or less and typing in names until I get a hit. Macy’s (or the local equivalent), Crate & Barrel, Williams-Sonoma, Ross-Simons, The Knot, and Target have covered most of the weddings I’ve seen. If people want to know where you’re registered, they can ask. And a lot of people prefer to pick out something else or give money anyway.

FWIW, I had bridesmaids in two different colors of dresses. I did freak out once thinking that they wouldn’t match, but ended up deciding that it was more important that they look like the beautiful, distinctive women they are than dress them like matching dolls. If anyone thought they looked funny, no one said anything to me. One of them actually wore it again (and not as a Halloween costume), which was a huge compliment.

And yes, you’re right that people will always find a way to complain. They’ll also find a way to instruct you about how have the wedding that’s just like the one they had or to avoid the mistakes theirs had. It’s usually well-meant, but that doesn’t mean it’s fun for you. Sorry if this thread is giving you a dose of that.

On the day, though, those who truly love you just want to see you and your beloved being happy together. So have the wedding that will make you happy, and your guests will be honored to be a part of it.

36

I’m in the midst of planning my wedding…I think I’m freaking out my fiance and our families with my nonchalant handling of it. My MIL-to-be wanted to pay for and make our invitations, so one day when I was over there she wanted me to pick out the paper. She pulls out the first sample and says, “how about this one?” and I said, “yeah, okay, works for me!”

My bridesmaids and maid of honor are my sisters and my best friend. I told them, “just pick out whatever you want, as long as it’s light blue. I couldn’t possibly care less.” Turns out, they all agreed on one dress, so through no fault of my own, I’m getting a matched set of bridesmaids, with a bonus matching “groomsman” (my sisters picked out a dress they liked, the maid of honor ended up liking it too, so she’s getting the same dress, but with a bolero jacket over it, and my fiance’s sister, who is a groomsperson, loved the dress too, so she’s getting it in black). Yeehaw.

My sister is actually doing a heck of a lot of the work for me, bless her. Since I live half a continent away from her and where the wedding’s going to be, she volunteered to help and arranged the DJ, the flowers, the church, and the reception hall for me.

I booked the caterer the other day. I’ve never tried their food. It was the first one I called. I didn’t even consult my fiance…I don’t think he cares much either. :slight_smile: He came home and I said, “so, I booked the caterer today,” and he said, “oh?” and I said, “yup, we’re having roast beef,” and he said, “cool.”

Honestly, originally I wanted to just elope. But, it’ll be nice to see a bunch of my family whom I haven’t seen in a long time. So, I’ve decided to just be really mellow about the whole thing. As long as we come out married at the end of it, I’ll be happy.

37

Sounds like you’ve got the right idea there!

We wanted to just elope too, but I had some good advice from my best friend who said it’s important to acknowledge the milestone events in your life, and there are friends and family who want to share in that milestone event with you. Kinda helped me get some perspective instead of being a bit bratty like I had been.

Hope yours goes well - when is it? Ours is on Saturday, 25th February.

38

With regards to kids at the wedding…

If you invite them, you have to feed them. I remember being invited to a cousin’s wedding when I was very young. It’s expected in our family that all kids (at least those that are first cousins) are invited to the wedding, but it cost too much to seat and feed us at that particular wedding. I wound up being a miserable wedding nomad and eating all the pickles at my parents’ table because I was so hungry.

This is not to say that you have to feed them the same food that you give the adults. One more successful cousin’s wedding had a kids’ table with hot dogs and onion rings instead of the fancy entree that the parents got. That way, the couple spent less and had happy, well-fed kids who probably would not have been interested in pan-seared samon filets anyway.

39

What a lovely dress-you look gorgeous!
I’m lucky-if I ever get married, my great aunt is a master seamstress.

40

We talked to my parish priest just today. It’s confirmed. We’re going to be wed on Aug 19th.

E3