Heh. Well, we all know that God actually wishes He was Harry Truman. 
Me too! I asked my mom if the whole world was only in black and white when she was a child.
One of our elderly neighbors died when I was a kid, his last name was Johnson. Not long after that the postage stamp with Lyndon B. Johnson the ex-president came out. I thought that it was our neighbor who died on the stamp, and whenever anyone died they got their picture put on a postage stamp.
My dad told me “George Washington slept here” and for years I believed that George Washinton had spent the night at our house.
I used to believe that there were little gray sticks of gum called Gummy Wuzzles that would slip underneath your door at night and if you were real good they would take you and slip you back under the bedroom door and take you to Gummy Wuzzle land.
I thought condoms were some weird form of candy.
I also thought that if you stuck your feet in the air and thought about it a long time that you could go back into the past and visit dead people.
i totally thought that “jew” was derogatory too, and i still prefer “jewish person” because it seems nicer.
also, i was about 9 or 10 when i realized that i would always be me. somehow i’d always had the vague notion that one day i would turn into someone else and experience a day in the life of that person, and i would choose who the person would be. i guess that’s not weird if you believe in reincarnation, but i don’t and besides, that’s a whole other thing since it involves death.
I thought that brainwashing involved removing a person’s brain, washing it in a bowl, and putting it back in the skull.
Right after my little brother was born, I guess I was about 3 ½, I was clued in on pregnancy and birth by one of those “Big Sisters’” classes. But I didn’t know how the whole process started. I just assumed that after you got married you woke up one morning and were pregnant. Imagine my surprise when I heard my mom talking to another woman about yet another woman who got pregnant out of wedlock. I was like, how does that work? Imagine my shock when I later found out that I was not planned either!
I also was an avid fan of the Care Bears. On my first plane trip (To Disney Land! About the same time as the first story.) I was eagerly looking for the Care Bears in the clouds. My Grandma had to explain that the Care Bears weren’t really real.
My mom and dad both worked in a hospital together, so I assumed that any man and woman working together (especially on TV) were married. I had this refuted to me whilest watching Regis and Kathy Lee.
The Pilgrims wrote the constitution.
After you ate your food, it re-assembled in your stomach, anthropomorphized, and walked around talking to your other food.
Not too funny, but:
I used to think that my organs were much smaller than they are, and that they sort of huddled next to the spine, surrounded by the 29 pints of blood I’d always heard people had. For the longest time, I couldn’t get it out of my head that we were all just big, human-shaped bags of skin with all that blood sloshing around.
Up until the age of 10 or so, I visualized burps as little grey, twisted fortune cookies. Like a fortune cookie, but smaller and twisted about and bent and grey. Okay, do we all have a nice mental picture?
Well, I believed that they hung on a long string that went down one side, all the way to your toes, and then traced all the way around to the opposite foot, where it ended. And once the burps on that string were all used up, you were done for. I used to worry all the time about what I would do when I ran out of burps. Would I just explode?
Around the age of 4 or so, I heard the “when the fat lady sings” expression, and I immediately identified the “fat lady” as my huge Aunt Anne, who sang so badly and so loudly that I thought everyone knew about her. I asked her how come everyone knew that she was so fat and had such a bad voice. Strangely, she wasn’t amused, and I had to eat soap so that I would learn to be nice to people.
I only believed this for half a day, but on the first day of first grade the teacher told us to raise our hand if we had to go the lavatory. Not having heard that word before, I transliterated it as “laboratory”. Cool! I had visions of every laboratory in every monster movie I had ever seen. And I would be in there with my lab coat and the bubbling test tubes and the Tesla coil, doing experiments any time I wanted.
And those little bumps in tapioca pudding? Fish eyes. I’ve tried as an adult, but I can’t even force myself to eat one spoonful.
When I was very young, probably five or six, I noticed the box of pads in Mom’s closet. Looking back on it, what she must have said is, “Once a month a woman bleeds from inside”. What I got is “Once a month a woman bleeds from the SIDES!” I had a heck of a time figuring that one out! I mean, from where? The pores in her skin? Does a hole open up? What?!
I hate to tell you this, but you were right the first time. The bible says not to “swear by” anything.
James 5:12
“Above all, my brothers, do not swear–not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. Let your ‘Yes’ be yes, and your “No,” no, or you will be condemned.”
There are parts when it encourages the use of tact, but never directly aims at vulgarity.
For some reason, when I was young, my mother told me that rabbits said “Mup” just as cats said meow. I found out as an adult that her father had told her that, so I guess she just thought it should get passed down.
Also, a friend of mine thought that the drawing of the ‘colonel’ for KFC restaraunts was of a man with a giant head and tiny, spindley, arms and legs (which are actually his bow tie in the drawing). You’d have to take a good long look at the drawing to see how funny this really is. One day as we were walking down the street we came upon a KFC billboard, and she commented on the strangeness of the “colonel stickman”. When I figured out what she was talking about I had to lie down on the sidewalk, I was laughing so hard. This was when she was at least 20.
BTW, this is my first ‘real’ post, so forgive me any wrongdoings.
I used to think that farts emitted tiny white flecks of “fart” that dissipated in the air. If you smelled one, those little chunks stuck to the inside of your lungs. This was much worse than mere stink.
I used to think that an imaginary cord was attached to everyone throughout their lives. If you went through a tunnel, and didn’t go back through it, your cord was tangled. A person who “undid” everything was much better off.
I used to think there were mad scientists everywhere. These people were bent on capturing strangers, switching their brains with electrical helmets, and then setting them free “as” each other. I also thought any electrical shock could produce the same results.
I used to believe in reincarnation. However, I believed that everyone in the whole world was really me, or who I was going to be in one of my next lives. I’d keep reliving that time period as a different person until I had lived everyone’s life, then I’d move further into the future. It didn’t matter, because I’d forget my last life every time. Gee, talk about unity, we are all the same!
I used to think a boy who put on girl’s clothes (or vice versa) would change genders.
In Kindergarten I was embaressed to find out that the moon wasn’t the sun at night after proclaiming it was so.
I was deathly afraid that bigfoot was going to smash through my window and grab me after seeing that scene on tv.
I was convinced I was from a planet called zenix xr71.
I thought there was a commitee of people in my head who contolled me. No, I didn’t hear voices. 
I speculated that time was like a film strip with the universe consisting of frames and that our “souls” moved forward through the frames.
I also thought that the universe was a subatomic particle in a universe that was…
At one point my sister and I beleived that our real parents had been replaced by the mean people who were now holding us captive.
I beleived if you thought real hard you could teleport yoursef.
I thought for awhile that we had nothing but blood in our insides.
I also was a victim of the BB/cupcake fallacy.
I was confused by the “In God We Trust” on coins. I though it meant that we trust that the person pictured on the coin is in heaven, and that we trust that he’s with God.
I was reading the inscription as In God**,** We Trust.
I used to believe that everything in the universe did not exist until I myself experienced them.
Objects were not solid until I touched them…
Things in back of me were invisible, until I turned around…
A tree falling in the woods made no sound…
Sugar didn’t taste sweet until I put it on my toungue…
…stuff like that.
I used to believe that the only way you could smell something was if little molecules of it adhered to the snot inside your nose.
I had trouble with two terms my mother used: slap happy and punch drunk. I thought slap happy was like “plum tickled” … like really happy beyond the ordinary. Punch drunk was what you got if you drank too much punch. Beer drunk, whisky drunk, punch drunk.
Palandine:
I recently found out during a conversation that my mother, who is 65 years old and (I always thought) fairly intelligent, believes this now. Nothing I say can convince her otherwise.
In addition to the Libs, I also believed that the abbreviation “fl.oz” stood for “flannel ounces”.
My best friend since babyhood, Tara, is one year older than me and a year younger than Laura, who hated me and wanted Tara all to herself. Laura told me the berries on the bushes in Tara’s back yard weren’t poisonous and convinced me to eat some. (They were poisonous.)
She also had me convinced that if I played the B side of Tara’s 45 with the Banana Splits song (one banana, two banana, three banana four…) I would die instantly. I was too scared to even look at that record and constantly feared that one of us would play it by mistake.
Most wickedly, she told me an interesting fact about cats. One day, my mother and I were in a pet store and the following dialogue took place:
Me: “Mom, look! That cat has blue eyes!”
Mom: “Yes, honey.”
Me: “It’s going to shed its skin!”
Mom: “Huh?”
Me: “When a cat’s eyes turn blue, it means it’s going to shed its skin!”
Mom: “Where did you hear that?”
Me (looking closely at the cat to see if I could see the skin beginning to detach from the animal’s body): “It’s true! It’s true! Let’s watch! It’s going to shed its skin!”
I was adamant and made a huge scene. My mother was so embarrassed that she began to cry and had to bodily drag me out of the store.
Isn’t that true?
I’m a bit late in this thread, but I feel obligated to inform you that you’re wrong. It’s pronounced “libbits.”
You may have saved my life! I actually used to own and drive a car that had a gas tank that leaked if you filled it over half full, and leaked fumes constantly. I always flinched when I drove over the aforementioned lit cigarettes, but I never blew up. I’m pretty sure it was a real possibility, though, given the right conditions. Yet, I kept driving that car anyway. I was so stupid…