Weirdest Spam I've Ever Received

[AHunter3]

Every piece of spam I receive that makes it through my spam filters gets transferred to a mailbox called “FilterFodder”, and every couple of weeks I go to it and inspect the crop and decide whether or not a new filter is in order.

So I just opened one to read:

Hello,
If you are a time traveler or alien and or in possession of government or alien technology I need your help! My entire life and health has been messed with by evil beings! If you have access to the carbon copy replica model #50 3000 series, the dimensional warp, temporal reversion or something similar please reply! I simply need the safest method of transferring my consciousness to my younger self with my current mind/memory. I need an advanced time traveler to work with who can help me, I would prefer someone with access to teleportation as well as a variety different types of time travel. This is not a joke! I am serious! Please send a separate email to me at: Dragonball03@aol.com if you can help! Thanks

:foil:

[CRorex]

I got this too.

I forwarded him one of those Nigerian scam letters

Fight spam with spam.

[Stiletto]

AHunter3, I also got that one…and it was followed the next day by this one:

Hello,
If you are in possession of the Blue, Red or Green Time Warping moon crystals, I need some. It would also be best if you are able to provide the proper shielding from there high level of radiation. Please make me an offer. Send a separate email to me at: MindTransference@aol.com

447760

Definitely very, very strange. I just reported both of them to postmaster at their respective origins. Got a response from the first one, apparently from Verizon Tech Support:

Thank you for contacting the Verizon Online Technical Support Department via e-mail.

Thank you for bringing this matter to our attention. We are sorry for any
inconvenience it has caused you.

We are working with others in the Internet community to effectively address the problem of unsolicited e-mail, “mail bombs”, “bulk e-mail”, or “Spam”. Sending such material is against Verizon’s policies, as well as against the policies of most other Internet service providers (ISPs). Understanding some of the methodology of spammers and effectively complaining about it can aid in our efforts and the efforts of other ISPs to reduce the problem.

-Stil

[UncleBeer]

FW: Fwd: A Blessing

After living a “decent” life, my time on earth came to an end. The first thing I remember is sitting on a bench in the waiting room of what I thought to be a courthouse. The doors opened and I was instructed to come in and have a seat by the defense table. As I looked around I saw the “prosecutor.” He was a villainous looking gent who snarled as he stared at me. He definitely was the most evil person I have ever seen.

I sat down and looked to my left and there sat my lawyer, a kind and gentle looking man whose appearance seemed familiar to me.

The corner door flew open and there appeared the judge in full flowing robe. He commanded an awesome presence as he moved across the room. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. As he took his seat behind the bench, he said, “Let us begin.”

The prosecutor rose and said, “My name is Satan and I am here to show you why this man belongs in hell.” He proceeded to tell of lies that I told, things that I stole, and in the past when I cheated others. Satan told of other horrible perversions that were once in my life and the more he spoke, the further down in my seat I sank. I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t look at anyone, even my own lawyer, as the Devil told of sins that even I had completely forgotten about.

As upset as I was at Satan for telling all these things about me, I was equally upset at my representative who sat there silently not offering any form of defense at all. I knew I had been guilty of those things, but I had done some good in my life, couldn’t that at least equal out part of the harm I had done? Satan finished with a fury and said, “This man belongs in hell, he is guilty of all that I have charged and
there is not a person who can prove otherwise!!!”

When it was his turn, my lawyer first asked if he might approach the bench. The judge allowed this over the strong objection of Satan, and beckoned him to come forward. As he got up and started walking, I was able to see him in his full splendor and majesty. I realized why he seemed so familiar. This was Jesus representing me, my Lord and my Savior!!

He stopped at the bench and softly said to the judge, “Hi Dad,” and then he turned to address the court. “Satan was correct in saying that this man has sinned, I won’t deny any of these allegations. And yes the wage of sin is death, and this man deserves to be punished.” Jesus took a deep breath and turned to his Father with outstretched arms and proclaimed, “However, I died on the cross so that this person might have eternal life and he has accepted me as his Savior, so he is mine.”

My Lord continued with, “His name is written in the book of life and no one can snatch him from me. Satan still does not understand yet. This man is not to be given justice, but rather mercy.” As Jesus sat down, he replied, “There is nothing else that needs to be done. I’ve done it all.”

The judge lifted his mighty hand and slammed the gavel down. The following words bellowed from his lips… “This man is free. The penalty for him has already been paid in full. Case dismissed.”

As my Lord led me away, I could hear Satan ranting and raving, “I won’t give up, I’ll win the next one!”

I asked Jesus as he gave me my instructions where to go next, “Have you ever lost a case?” Christ lovingly smiled and said, “Everyone that has come to me and asked me to represent them has received the same verdict as you, Paid in Full.”

If you do not pass this along to 15 people immediately, absolutely nothing will happen. No curse, no bad fortune, absolutely nothing. Passing this on to anyone you consider a friend, (as I have done here), will bless you both; that is what Jesus promised us all.

I gotta ask tho’, wouldn’t an ethical God have recused himself? and Jesus promises his blessings for forwarding foolish e-mail? Now I know] I’m goin’ to hell.

[Norrybaby]

"He stopped at the bench and softly said to the judge, “Hi Dad,”

Hahahaha, classic piece of glurge

[jk1245]

I’m no expert in jurisprudence, but shouldn’t the judge recuse himself from the case on account of being the defense attorney;s father? Also, does Satan really think he’s going to get a fair trial in that court?

[AHunter3]

Change of venue?

[IcicleFuzz]

Weird, I had a freind in high school who had that particular peice of glurge and a whole lot of others in a big book. Looking through it sort of made me want to scream, laugh and puke all at the same same time.

Worse than those though, were the cartoons: “Well, we failed Mr Carters quiz on evolution, but we passed gods test of faith” :rolleyes:

[Ludovic]

got a classic at work, luckily i printed it out it was so good, transcribing, ALL quotes are to be understood as [sic]…:

"THE EXPERT MANUFACTURER OF AGOYA BUTTON!

BEST QUALITY AND THE SUPPER SPECIAL PRICE!

[list of prices deleted]
… $16.50
… $23.00 $25.00 $26.00 etc. **

CHINA AGENCY HONG KONG AGENCY
[contact info removed]

THIS IS PROMOTIONAL EMAIL SENT BY GROUPS. IF IT IS INRELEVANT TO YOU, SORRY. FOR REJECTING IT IN THE FUTURE, PLEASE EMAIL TO THANKS.

** [i saved the best for last. i swear i am NOT making this up] ALL PRICES ARE BASE ON HONG DONG DOLLAR PER ONE GROSS