I got drunk last night. It’s not like me; I hadn’t had a drink in almost three weeks because I was back on the diet wagon. I don’t like to drink much on school nights either. But I was watching Adult Swim and thought “Hey, I’ve got that pack of Red Stripe in the fridge. One of those would probably make Home Movies a lot funnier.”
One Red Stripe turned in to two, then three, then six. And an 18-ounce screwdriver. And I think two shots of vodka. And, as I look in the fridge, apparently half a bottle of soy sauce because I was craving salt.
Yeah, now that I think about it, I remember the soy sauce’s encore appearance in the bathroom at about 1:30. Also the fucking sour cream and onion Pringles, purchased at the convenience store 20 yards from the dorm. (I state the distance so no one freaks out that I might have been driving.) I bought those around beer four, so I probably didn’t embarass myself at the store, but who the hell knows.
So the whole binge was jettisoned and I spent a while curled up on the floor because the bed seemed too high. Then I think parts of my intestines were jettisoned. And then I fell asleep with my glasses on, which felt great when I woke up at 5:00 wide afuckingwake but wishing I could get back to sleep.
I will not mention the unfinished homework, sinus infection, Pringles-related cash shortage or the fact that I was so bored when I woke that I watched an episode of The Little Mermaid.
Also, I’m in the middle of a stress breakout, which I could normally handle, but I woke to a giant fucking zit on the edge of my upper lip. I don’t even think it’s identifiable as a zit. It looks more like I was shot in the face, got infected and then had a cold sore settle in. And I can tell it’s going to take forever to heal, which should look great in my graduation pictures. Thank you, face; I shall enjoy being immortalized looking like a fucking Evil Dead monster with herpes.
In short, Monday, you have been worse before 7 a.m. then most weeks manage to be by Thursday. You cannot possibly find a way to lay me lower. You might find a way when you become Tuesday, but that is another rant for another time. Specifically, tomorrow.
Fuck you, Monday. I wish you had a cock so I could punch it twice.