I’ll be the local Auto Dealer. Ford/Chevy/Dodge/Furrin cars of choice. Good selection of used cars, with killer repair/body shop.
Hyuk hyuk, you shore did use some of dum fancy words dere, hyuk. 
Oh, that’s it. HomeSlice will henceforth be known as Clem.
And he gets my vote for village idiot.
He’s got my vote, too.
But I’m sort of partial to the names Cletus, Rufus, or Felbert for him.
I’m the Community college instructor from the big city who moved here to get away from his past, I am usually seen with a few days stubble and wear sweaters and turtlenecks.
In my spare time I sit in my one bedroom apartment on main street and write the “great american novel” about the town, when I’m not drinking at the bar.
I’d like to be your friendly, atypical, neighborhood banker. You know, the guy who won’t give you money when you don’t need it and will give it to you when you do. And I can do it with a smile. Kindly supporting and nourishing the enterprising soul in all of us. Need more time on a loan? No Problem… Miss a payment? No Biggie… Lolipops for the kids, biscuits for the dogs and free toaster ovens for everybody!
Oh, when you need to find me, I’ll be in the bar at the golf course. Summer bankers hours and all that…
I’ll be the divorced single mom in her thirties types who owns the town diner and gives free food to all the cops.
Walk right on in, set yourself down, I’ll get ya your “usual”. Best meatloaf in town, too.
Oh and psst - any gossip worth repeating can be found here, honey.
I want to be the “Rebel on a Motorcycle.” The kind that makes parents cringe. A mixture of Fonzie and James Dean. Heavy on the Dean looks and cool. The kind that proper young girls climb out a window at night to meet.
Yeah, thats me baby! slicks back his hair, flips up his leather jacket collar, revs the bike and takes off riding a wheelie down main street
Looks at John Corrado whittling and yells at the old man as he passes
BTW the bike has extra loud pipes.
Seeing as everyone else has actual jobs, I’ve decided I’ll work in the video rental store. I get to watch all the movies I want and can read when it’s slow. They also have game rentals there, so I can play Playstation too.
You need help finding a movie to watch? Ask me, I know all the movies in the place and can recommend the perfect film for any situation. Games? I’ve played them all I know which ones suck and which ones kick ass.
Sorry I can’t cut you any slack on late fees and stuff though, I only work here, I don’t run the place.
Job?
JOB?
I am not going to work!
At least not if I can get a Sugar Mamma! Any takers? Me love you long time.
Otherwise, I guess I’m relegated to Pool-boy.
I’m that neighbor that everyone is fairly friendly with, but that no one really knows that well.
After the horrible crime that you commit, we all gather around the newsreporter and explain how we did not really know you that well, but you seem like such a nice neighbor.
I’ll be the slutty cocktail waitress in the tight t-shirt at the bar where Shayna sings, Reservoir Dog washes glasses for Bartender Aenea, and ShadowFox does weekend Karaoke that is owned by Coldfire but run by John Larrigan.
How’s that for a run-on sentence?
Dammit, I wanted to be the good-looking rebel who plays by his own rules.
All the good jobs are gone, even village idiot! 
I’ll be the town lush. I think I can pull it off convincingly.
I run the local gas station next door to jesuslynch, our town auto mechanic. Best prices in town and I’ll pump it myself… scantily clad in daisy dukes and a tube top of course!
And I’m the Official Stripper Pimp of Dopeville! If you need “entertainment” for special occassions, (bachelor parties, birthday parties, just-for-the-hell-of-it parties, etc.) just call on me, I’m your gal!
Oh, and she CAN. Call Toronto City Hall for references from her current position as Town Lush 
Hey! I didn’t say anything about getting SHOT!
Here in Dopeville, after I climb the clock tower and open fire with my automatic rifle, I go back downstairs, have a quick drink at Coldfire’s, head home for a light supper and then to bed, where I read a few chapters of some light romantic novel before turning in. THAT’S when you all get to say “He seemed so QUIET.”
I’ll be the world’s worst Chamber of Commerce director.
I develop ill-conceived festivals, such as last year’s lamentable Fire and Gas Fun Fest and Bring Your Pit Bull to Elementary School Day.
I also answer the phone at the Chamber office with, “What the hell do you want?”
If the job’s not taken, yet, Imma be the guy who constantly hits on the cocktail waitress. While singing karaoke. Drunk.