Gee, now I really DO wanna move to Dopeville . . . OK, we still have a few openings, if anyonme wants to jump in:
• The town jailer
• The slightly creepy barber
• The “perennial bachelor”
• The sweet little pie-baking granny
• Conductor of The Dopeville Trolley, that makes all stops
• The snotty little kid
• The sweet ingenue debutante (but not for long!)
• The failed movie star, returned to appear in all the Little Theater productions
• We don’t even have a vet or a tattoo artist yet!
Although I’m 23, have a roommate, am perfectly sociable and have a normal guy’s job, I will be the smooth, dapper elderly gentleman who lives alone in his cozy house at the top of Dead Man’s Hill and tends his beautiful gardens. My income will be the interest that I collect on the mortgage of Coldfire’s bar which I will hold. Unfortunately, I’ll be an ol’ softy and ignore the fact that he’s always a little too looped to remember to pay me more often than four times a year. Thus, my only means of survival will be the delicious fresh baked bread, fruit salads and casseroles that the delightful, happy housewives of Dopeville will bring to me when they come over for tea.
I will also encourage all of your children to worship me as the devil and offer animal sacrifices to the aliens.
Hey Eve, if you come across the sweet ingenue debutante feel free to point her my way. I am looking for a “running mate” and I need to “poll the electorate”. I think she might be able to help me “raise the voter consciousness” while I “press the flesh.”
Otherwise I may have to wile away the time exercising my “pocket veto.”
I am, of course, the Evangelist at the little white church down the street, who denounces SqrlCub’s Evil Empire, and is secretly a silent partner in it.
I am the failed movie star, returned from cruel Hollywood to appear in all of the Little Theater productions. I have a secret crush on the war vet pilot, and make up excuses to go visit him at his hanger north of town. I make a mean Dutch apple pie; and I always say I made too many, maybe he’d like one?
I have long blonde hair, and wear tight dresses and high heels all the time. I tried to befriend the town politician, but he decided I was too demure for him. So, when I’m not baking and flirting with the pilot, I’m down at the 19th Hole, trying to flirt with Coldy, since the pilot doesn’t realize how much I like him yet. Only Coldy is usually too busy with the sleazy waitress to notice me either. Sigh. I go home alone every night…
I am the snooty grad student at the local state university; it’s a bit of a commute, and I frequently mention that I plan to move away as soon as possible, but I’ve been saying that for years now. I try to project the image of a liberal intellectual, but no one takes me very seriously. Secretly, I desperately want to hang out in Coldfire’s bar with the rest of the drunk layabouts in the town and sing karaoke, but I’m too afraid to give up the Ice Princess facade. Maybe someday someone will discover what lies under the mask, but until then, I’m a loner who pretends to like it that way.
(Sheesh, I’m getting depressed just making this up.)
Pooh. Someone beat me to the failed movie star gig.
I guess I’ll just have to reveal my true identity: Former Sports Illustrated swimsuit supermodel, tired of the international jet-setting. I moved to the small town of Dopeville to raise my family. Thinking I’ll disguise my identity by dropping an extra letter onto the end of my name, my friends nonetheless give me away by calling me by my lifelong nickname.
Now a mom of two blue-eyed children, I drive a minivan and jog by the bar, where most of the town’s male population is heard to fall from their barstools when my long, long legs race by.
I see that someone has forgotten something else vital to this towns growth. Food.
Yup, in addition to owning the only automotive dealership around, I also own the only Grocery store. I do wholesale orders too, in case that drunk sanctuary/bar needs refueling.
Personally, I live on a 40 acre spread, house back in the woods, T1 connection and pool/sauna. Not that anyone would visit, mind you.
Oh well, I’ll be the other Mommy, the impossibly perfect Mommy who bakes cookies and always has time for witty dialogue with her mischevious but good at heart children. I wear high heels and pearls to clean and do the marketing, but everybody likes me too much to tell me that it isn’t 1952 anymore.
But…I’m not as perfect as I seem on the outside, for I have a secret. A stunning secret that will change life as we know it in our fair town forever…
jodih: Let’s do lunch sometime this week. I need to talk to you about the potential liability ramifications for our proposed Fourth of July Senior Citizens Fire-Walk.
I’m Cecil’s next door neighbor (but I’ve never seen him). His dog is always pooping on my lawn.
I sell my special hydroponic weed to all the dopers. Ed Zotti is my biggest customer. Cecil gets my weed too by way of Ed. My house slightly resembles the Playboy mansion (but smaller). Aenea visits me often (she likes to take pictures :D). I have a huge party once a month and the whole town is invited, everything is free. Right now Coldfire, Democratus and Satan are in my living room taking “6 foot” bong hits. They’re early, however the “big party” is tonight. So I wanna know who else is coming??..
I’ll be the other small town lawyer (you can’t have just one lawyer in town, he’d starve to death!).
I used to be the county prosecuting attorney, but after losing the election a couple years back to the local war hero who’s fresh out of law school, I’ve been quietly waging war on the local brook trout population. You’re much more likely to see me with a fly rod in my hand than a law book, but I do come into town occasionally to probate a will or do a divorce case. I heard about a murder over the weekend in a town at the other side of the county, and I suspect I might get a call on it…
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