Are you absolutely certain that he can’t monitor your internet use, and thus your posts on this website? He certainly seems to be the type.
ETA: He needs you more than you need him. He might do something desperate if he finds out what you’re planning on doing.
Your cell phone is your life line right now. Get control of it today. Set up an online account today, stop paper billing, set up automatic lectronic billing, stop that itemized call crap - seriously, nobody does that, it may even be extra. Change your email password to something random that he can’t guess. Same with your bank account.
I wouldn’t take any chances that he’s checking phone calls, or could cut off your service, or transfer your money.
First, thank you thank you thank you to everyone who has chimed in. Your advice is appreciated and I’m reading every word.
When our lease ended in November, the landlord said she would mail a new one and never did. I didn’t follow up, because we wanted the flexibility to move if we found a bigger place. I spoke to the landlord last night and she said she has to speak with her lawyer to make sure it won’t be a problem, but she’s happy to send me a new lease in my name only. So, if I decide it’s safe to stay here I think that will be okay.
I went to the store today and spoke to someone, since we are in a joint contract and he is the account holder, I can’t get my number released without his sign off. I can get a new number with a new contract, but as my cell phone is my only phone and the way clients reach me, I’d like to avoid that if I can. I’m going to call another provider and see if I can get my number ported without his consent. Dude at the cell phone store said I could if I had his social and password, but he may not be correct. I know he’s checking my phone calls and combing through the itemization on the bills, he’s made accusations based on my phone activity before. Turned out the “suspicious number” was a client I was exchanging business-related texts with. Heh. Took or 7 hours of screaming and crying to get him to tell me what that one was about. “What are you up to? Tell me.” “Huh? What are you talking about?” “YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.” Crazy person.
I recently changed all passwords because of that heartbleed scare, and none of them are guessable, so I’m safe there. I also have a password on my phone, which I put on 2 weeks ago so I could have conversations with my mother without him reading them. As you can imagine, that did not go over well. Yet he has a password on his phone…
Other people are not responsible for making us happy nor are we responsible for making them happy. The best time for someone to get into a long term relationship is when they are very content being single for the rest of their lives.
Healthy relationships exist when both parties accept each other for who they are, flaws and everything. That doesn’t mean you have to roll over and take whatever crap the other person may be exhibiting on any given day, but hopefully your relationship is built on trust and they can take it when you tell them that what they did hurt you, etc.
OP, it will get better. Break-ups suck, but it sounds like this isn’t your first rodeo. Best of luck with your situation.
I’m going to take my laptop with me when leaving the house from now on, I don’t know if the internet bill (which he pays) reflects any details of online activity? No doubt he would be checking on me if he had a way. He told me he wanted to be a private investigator at some point. Not crafty enough to get in the car and drive past my work last night to see if I was there or not, but he considers himself quite the sleuth :rolleyes:
I’ve was doing okay today, sent a text to my brother, chatted with my mom a bit and even set a date to meet an old friend for drinks soon. Then I started deleting pictures of him and his son from my phone and fell apart. Hurts too much to look at them right now, I got through a handful before I had to stop.
He was home at some point while I was out, but I don’t see that he took anything. If not for the cigarette butt in the ashtray I washed this morning I wouldn’t know. We were supposed to go to a concert about an hour away tonight, really hoping he will still go and not come home after. I don’t want to talk to him until I’ve heard back from the landlord. If I have to run (and I might be fooling myself in the daylight without him here, but I’m holding out hope that it will just be ugly and mean, not violent), I will. I still want that lease in my name so I can legally change the locks. I also called and made an appointment to get the dog that is overdue for his rabies shot to go in and get current so that if I have to board him, I can.
I’m trying to stay practical and hold onto the anger I have so that I don’t collapse, but this hurts. I invested a lot here and as fucked up as it is, I do love him. I don’t want bad things to happen to him, I want him to sober up and get his act together so he can be a good dad to his son and hopefully someday a happy person.
He’s not leaving you with a lot of options in that regard, but his long-term outlook is cloudy with a chance of prison time until he decides to do a lot of really really hard work to change that, and in the meantime, you’re hoping for ugly and mean. You know? That anger is practical.
Of course it hurts and it’s hard and is going to. But one thing at a time. It sounds like you’re getting stuff done, and that’s super good.
Go back to the store. Tell the store MANAGER that you need to be removed from the contract but keep your old number intact because your boyfriend is abusive and you are afraid for your safety if he has any control over your phone, can see who you call, etc. But that you need your old number because you need your support system. If that manager isn’t responsive, go to another store until you get a manager who is. You’ll find someone willing to help if you ask for it - someone who has been in this situation or has had a friend or relative in it.
By the way, years ago I flew out and dragged my baby sister out of an abusive relationship - she is happily married and healthy now. And her dog lives with my mother (she wouldn’t leave the dog either, and it became a problem more than once in terms of getting her help) It will get better.
It’s your call, of course, but the thing about staying is that he knows where he can find you. If he wants to be a threat to you even after only you and the dogs live there anymore, he can certainly manage it.
Right now, since there is no new lease, you’re effectively on month-to-month. If you want to move (which I’d recommend), you could ask the landlord that only his name appear on the new lease, because you’re moving out at the end of May.
But if you decide you are going to stay put, get the landlord’s OK to change the locks, and then do it ASAP.
Yeah, I’m not sure I’d want to continue to stay where he knows he can find you. Start looking for a new place. In the mean time, I’d look at what it would cost for an extended stay type hotel so you have a place to escape to if needed. Or maybe Priceline? I’d also pick up a $20 Tracfone so you have a backup you can use if splitting off from his plan becomes a hassle or you think your privacy on the current phone is compromised.
((nikki))))
Nikki, if you lived anywhere near me I’d put you up for a while, and I know an excellent dog boarder too.
I hope things get better. If you need any help that an out of towner can give, please contact me.
I second, or third, or whatever, the ideas Ferrett Herder spoke of early in the thread. First get yourself safe, then the dogs, then your stuff you wouldn’t want to lose.
How complicated would it be to text all your contacts that you have a new phone number, or to put your new number on your voicemail?
I’m going to go to the corporate store today and see if I get better results there. If that gets me nowhere I suppose I’ll have to change my number. Which is complicated because…
My personal contacts wouldn’t be a big deal, but clients have this number. It’s on all of my cards and fliers and the printed material where I work. Again, not the biggest issue to manage in this whole ordeal but I’m worried about finances and don’t want to disrupt work life any more than necessary. I’ll have to ask the cell phone people how long my voicemail would stay active once the phone is shut off, I assume he will cancel my line once I have new service established. Hopefully not before.
Thank you, Baker, and everyone else who offered support and ideas. I still haven’t heard from the landlord but things are calm for the moment. He was home when I got home last night but on the phone. I grabbed one of the dogs and took her for a walk (and the smiles she gave me were heartbreaking. “We’re going for a WALK? We never do this anymore!”) and he was gone when I got back. Came home at some point late but the dogs and I were behind a locked bedroom door so nothing went down. I assume he was drunk and just passed out on the couch.
Laying in bed I started thinking about all the good stuff and had to shut down that train of thought or I’d just sob all night. One day and one night without craziness and already I’m back to “well maybe we can make this work.” Pathetic.
Today is the day I would normally pick his son up and spend the afternoon with him. I’m going to keep myself busy with work stuff so I don’t have to think about it and not come home until after the little guy is already in bed. It’s going to be really difficult if he decides to have him here for the weekend as usual.
Of course you’re thinking that way. Of course the “honeymoon period” feels better. If he’d never been so nice and charming, you wouldn’t have put up with the later bullshit. Don’t beat yourself up over that feeling - but do recognize it for what it is, and keep moving forward with your plans to save yourself.
Ehow explains how you can keep your cell phone number while you switch to a different provider. It should take no more then four business days, they say.
We really did have some good stuff between us. More than good, wonderful. He’s capable of being such a good partner in his… lucid moments. He has a lot of shit to work through, and I hope he does.
Thanks for the link 
The problem is that as the account holder he “owns” my number and has to give permission to have it released either out of the contract OR to a new provider. I’m hoping that appealing to the management with the current provider I can get it released and start my own contract or that by having his info I can have a new provider do it.
Stay Strong! Just posting to let you know of more anonymous internet strangers that are pulling for you.
And to let you know that I recently ported “my” cell phone away from Ex’s plan. In my case it was no biggie since I had the security passwords etc and was able to do whatever I wanted to the phone. BUT, the new provider never asked for those details and the old provider never followed up that it was ok either. So perhaps it is easiest to just go for it and never mention that it isn’t actually in your name. I think having the phone with “my” number in my possession was really all I needed.
You’ve received a lot of very good advice, but this is some of the best. Therapy made all the difference for me. I was in a very similar cycle to the one you’re in but with the help of an excellent counselor, I’ve broken it. Yes, money is tight but living alone is GREAT!!
And don’t wait to start counseling until after he’s gone. Start now. You need the support to make the changes you’re facing. You are doing the right thing by getting out of this toxic relationship. You deserve peace. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone.
I wish you the very best.
It sounds like you’re hosed in re the phone. It is Utopian and idiotic to boot to think that you are going to get a smooth transition using a number from another person’s account-esp. a psycho’s. You can’t cancel/change service from another person’s account, legally (I’d bet) without their permission. Try** Registered at Last’s** path; if it doesn’t work immediately, forget it. It is too big a burden for you to keep. Just get a monthly pay phone or start your own account. WITH a new number. Clients are rarely inconvenienced by a new business phone number. You’re beating a dead horse.
On top of that, do you really want bf to have your number?
NTT
Thank you for this thread. It reminds me about where I was a couple of years ago and how far I’ve come.
You seem very level headed and rational even though you are going through such a rough time. These are exactly the qualities that are going to help you. not only to survive, but to thrive in your new life.
Change is terrifying but every little step you take in creating your new life is going to feel like a victory. You can’t imagine how good it feels when you finally solve a problem like your cell phone.
Every time you check something off your to-do list it will make you feel stronger and more confident.
Warning: Check financial stuff immediately: joint bank accounts, loans, bills, anything which has your name attached to it. Even government agencies which may auto-deposit tax or other refunds. Protect yourself and don’t expect him to do his part.
Above all remember: There are better days ahead. I promise.
Unexpected bonus of being single: The closet space!!!