Reading this post, I almost want to ask his name, cause it could be an ex of mine for sure.
So many posters have nailed it with their advice, but I’ll chime in with a thought or two too, based on the perspective I gained from my own experience.
You’re making a mistake when you are memorializing this relationship so early. It’s not over yet. He didn’t leave yet. Y’all still live together. My worry is that you’ll weaken because he will pull just the right combo of attractive and apologetic and we will never hear from you again because you’ll feel too sheepish to come back and tell us you caved.
Get a neighbor- (perhaps on your street there lives a kindly middle aged man who’s had daughters?), a coworker, that brother you mentioned (on speakerphone if need be), sit down in the living room, tell him you are done and you want him to leave. No more waiting for anything. Phone, dogs, whatever. You could even pack his stuff and put it in the middle of the room.
One thing mine did to me was make me feel afraid to do this because he acted like he would totally smear me and air all the wrongs he had managed to convince me I had committed. I embarrassed easily back then and he knew it. And you know what? He did try that!! One of my brothers, bless him, we weren’t even getting along then- but he stared down my little twerp of a boyfriend and said “I don’t know about any of that. All I know is, my sister is crying, and you’re the reason why.” I don’t know who might can do that for you- but find someone.
He’ll say he can’t believe you brought a third person to intervene on your sacred bond? Tough nuggets, buddy!
The other thought I had- have you considered asking your ex for help? I realize this might not be an option at all, but it might actually be.
I was shocked to discover how many bridges I thought were burned, actually weren’t.
Anyway, once you are no longer living together, THEN you treat it like it’s over, can remember the good times, etc.
In my experience, one thing that felt really good was getting my personality back. Damn! It felt so good to recognize myself again. I hope hope hope you get to have that soon. But it depends on you. Just do it.
Yeah, this is something I’ve thought of. I know I can block his number and ignore texts if he won’t leave me alone but it might be more peaceful to just start over.
Thank you for this. I have a giant list of things to do and it DOES feel good to get them done, even the small ones like getting my car key back. I’m going to get my life back on track and start taking care of myself. I won’t waste any more time being someone’s punching bag. No one deserves that, even those who made their own bed.
Other than the lease, the only joint account we have is the cell phone bill. THANK GOD I didn’t start a joint bank account to “save for a house” as he suggested. What a mess that would be. The only money we had pooled together went towards recent repairs to our house (including two doors he kicked apart. One of them being the door to his son’s room. Loooooovely.) so that’s spent.
You’re not wrong about this… Easy to slip back into caregiver mode when he’s still here and “hurting”. I went to dinner with my mom last night and when I came home, I wanted to have a talk with him. Not necessarily to patch things up, just to find out where he was and settle things. When I got home, I saw a glass on his desk, checked the freezer, and found a half empty fifth of whisky. Nope, not a good time to talk.
I got the dogs settled and laid down to read, watching as he refilled his glass until the fifth was empty and then he moved on to a bottle of red wine, which he also finished. I didn’t say a thing until I heard him mumbling and crashing around the kitchen, at which point I asked him if he wanted help getting to the couch to lay down. Nope, doesn’t want anything to do with me. I put out the lit cigarette that he had laying on the counter and left him alone. Few minutes later, he collapses in his computer chair and is unresponsive, so I took the dogs into the other room and lay there awake until I heard him snoring. I got no sleep of course, but I’m glad I was on the couch instead of him, since his son fell out of bed in the middle of the night and he wasn’t in any shape to respond to that, if he even heard it while he was passed out loaded. I wanted to take the dogs and leave so bad, even if we just drove around until morning but there was a toddler in the house. Thinking about it now, I should have called his ex wife to come and get her son. I don’t know. That probably would have started a rage.
As of this morning, he agreed to leave and says he has a place lined up. I’m waiting on that lease in my name so that if he changes his mind I can have someone come over and pack his stuff.
Yeah… this… I’ve been promised a battle and who knows what he’s going to say. I can’t say I’m unconcerned, I don’t really want pictures and rumors posted all over the internet but… Whatever I guess. The sad silver lining of this relationship is that I’ve learned to live with a support system that consists of my immediate family only, as he isolated me from every friend I had, so if everyone I know choses to believe what he says and dumps me… I won’t be that much worse off, really. Smaller facebook feed to sift through
I wouldn’t feel right running to him for help, but I did send him an email asking if he’d have a cup of coffee with me at his convenience. Part of getting my house in order needs to include apologizing to him.
The two friends I’ve reached out to since this all started have been surprisingly responsive. I’m not spilling details or trying to show up after a 3 year absence with my hand out, just saying “hi, I miss you”. Felt REALLY good to get responses. They would have been totally justified ignoring me or saying “buzz off”.
I’m so glad you’re in a better place and I look forward to joining you in the Back to Myself Club soon
Is his ex-wife aware of his excessive drinking & threatening behavior? I’m sure she wouldn’t be sending her son to spend time with “Dear Ol’ Drunk Dad”.
And yes; serious violence can occur when the crisis reaches a head. Be prepared with a support system (friends, shelter, cops).
A journey of 1000 miles begins with that first step. Don’t look back! But that email to YOUR ex was a good idea. An apology never hurts.
I was thinking Borderline Personality Disorder, too. http://bpdfamily.com is a good site to check out, especially the message board, which has a subfolder for people trying to detach themselves from a romantic relationship.
Regarding any smear campaign - it may or may not happen, however a) it’s out of your control; b) rational human beings see right through that bullshit; c) if and when it happens it usually ends up backfiring on the smearer, or at a minimum demonstrating to the world what a good choice it was for you to leave.
This was my experience and I believe you will find it is really the smallest of the problems you must address.
You can do this NTT. But be sure to get support from an organization that deals with your situation. They really will help this go more smoothly for you (sez this person who used to be a do-it-herself kind of person). These people can really help you but they have a hard time being there for you unless you’ve notified them.
I don’t know… He claims that the out of control drinking is a direct result of the stress he is under since the start of our relationship. I’m really reluctant to get her involved, for a number of reasons. One, she hates me. Two, I don’t want to threaten his ability to see his kid. It seems to be his lifeline at the moment and as angry as I am at him, I don’t want to knock that out from under him and have him make a bad decision as a result of feeling like he has nothing. Suicide has been threatened on more than one occasion. I realize that’s not my “responsibility” but… I love him. And I love his son. Threatening that relationship is just more than I can contemplate. What I’m really hoping is that this breakup will be his wake up call to get his shit together and be a functional person for his kid. He’s at his second AA meeting right now, so while it’s too early to know if it will stick, it’s a step in the right direction for him.
Saw my ex today, who surprisingly does NOT hate me. It’s a sad sad thing when the man you left for someone else treats you more kindly than the one you left him for. Talking to him for just 15 minutes made me remember that I had a life once that didn’t include stomaches over how I cut my hair and fights that didn’t end with me crying and sweeping up broken glass at 4am. I’m so fucking ashamed about how I treated him and that I didn’t give him the closure he deserved. He actually told me “I just want to know that you’re okay” with NO ulterior motive and no hidden agenda. It has been a disgustingly long time since I didn’t have to investigate words for hidden pitfalls. I so look forward to having a friendship with him, if he’s willing.
Thank you so much for the resource. I’m going to spend some time on there tonight.
I know, and I keep telling myself “anyone who believes him isn’t worth anything to me anyhow” but he’s SUCH a good liar. He’s told me stories about a friend’s ex that I bought in the moment but in hindsight think “well where is her side?”. He can twist the most innocent scenarios to sound so suspicious. For instance, me being late home from work last week was the trigger for this breakup, last night I was home early. His take on that? “I caught you cheating so you broke it off and are home earlier because you’re not fucking that guy anymore”. I know he’s going to spin it so that I’m the cheating whore who screwed up his life, drove him to drink, and ruined his kid’s life and there are people who are going to buy it.
Goddamit. I am a good person. I’m a loyal friend, a good daughter and sibling, and a decent human being. I have love for people and compassion for animals and try really hard to make a positive impact as I move through life. I made a bad mistake betraying my husband but I don’t deserve to be punished for the rest of my life for it, do I? Karma is kicking my ass right now.
Fuck that shit. Plenty of people go through worse without becoming abusive raging alcoholics. He is at fault for that choice. A functional human being would suggest therapy or something, not say “she’s so mean, it’s time to drink myself into a stupor, act like an asshole towards the woman I claim to love, and destroy stuff.”
And fuck that, too. It’s a (deeply dysfunctional) relationship, not a hostage situation.
I agree with this 100% but the guilt I would feel if he actually followed through… God. He has a kid, you know? A little wonderful person who needs his dad. No matter what else he is, he’s a father.
I’m blocking that part of things out with all my might. I bonded with this child so deeply, convinced that I was “his mom” and trying so fucking hard to be that. I really thought we were going to be a family. I dismissed all of the lopsided concessions* because that’s what families do to make things work. I’m a fool.
*I dropped a day and a half of work to provide child care, even picking his son up from his hateful ex every week while he didn’t alter his work schedule AT ALL and rejected the idea of picking him up on Sundays because it was “our day”. I brought this kid into my life. My family sends him cards and random gifts and comes to his birthday parties at considerable hassle. He has just as many presents under the tree as any blood relative. FUCK. This HURTS.
No it isn’t. You feel shitty because you’re in a bad relationship. Feeling shitty is kicking your ass. Karma, if it’s anything, is something other than this.
And he’s a shitty, disgusting excuse for a human being if he kills himself over not being able to keep his abuse victim under his control. You can’t save his life. There are plenty of truly depressed people out there who killed themselves even though they were in loving relationships, so that’s not the end-all-be-all for sticking around.
I’m no fan of some of the things you say you have done, but I don’t know you and I won’t judge you over words written on the internet.
Two things - regarding the ‘really good liar’ statement; people come around eventually. Even you say you question things said in the past now. In my case, a year after a friend of my ex went ballistic on me for some lies she was told, I received a long unasked for apology. Some things take time. Forge on.
Second, no matter how bad things hurt right now, *now *is not the rest of your life. For the purpose of this argument, I will pretend you are thirty. Think back 10 years - how different life was, and what you were doing. You will live likely another 50 plus years. Your life will change again over and over.
Now is not the rest of your life.
PS: You may be in a tough spot right now but you do have the option of acting with grace. Do the right thing regardless of consequence, make choices that benefit others (who deserve it). Prior mistakes to not dictate future actions.
See this for what it is-manipulation, as are the comments about your relationship driving him to drink. If he kills himself, it will be the ultimate manipulation (I don’t believe he has any intention of doing so).
I’m sorry for your pain about the kid. Poor guy. With a father like that, he needs all the good people he can get in his life. He’s the one who will ultimately suffer most from his father’s behavior.
I’m not totally clear on this, but your soon to be ex loves his son so much that he damn near burns the house down with a cigarette and a drunken stupor? What would have happened had you not come home? I’m not asking to make you feel bad, but it seems obvious to me that you really have to get the hell out of this situation as fast as possible. As far as damaging his relationship with his son, re-read the sentence above.
I haven’t read closely enough to know what kind of dad this guy is, but you’ve been on the Dope long enough to know that no, not everyone needs their dad. Everyone can benefit from a dad, who does dad stuff and provides positive influence and protection and stuff. But not everyone who is a father (or a mother) actually gives their kid what they need. Turns out some can really bring their kids down.
Agreed. He doesn’t win the shitty father of the year award only because the competition is so stiff. His son needs a safe, loving, emotionally stable family. If he needs to be separated from his dad in order to get that, then that’s not a bad thing at all. If you have to hide his dad’s behavior from his mom in order to keep the son seeing the dad, that IS a bad thing.
If it were your son, and your ex-husband were acting like this when your son was over there, wouldn’t you want to know?
Jesus, YES. I’m sure his ex furious and rightfully worried. Although she must have some idea. He’s called her more than once in the middle of the night to say he was bringing his son back to her (and actually did it once. Woke Junior up from a dead sleep and carted him crying back to his mom’s), cancelled visits, and on at least one occasion called her drunk as fuck and said he was relinquishing visitation rights. He told me he’s not going to have his son over this weekend, I’m not sure if that was meant to punish me or for some practical reason. He’s punished me in the past by taking the kiddo to work on a day that I would normally spend with him, knowing how bad that made me feel. Once I’m out of here I will seriously consider dropping a note to his ex and letting her know what the story is. Until then, I’ll be here and out of the way in case he relapses.
He’s at an AA meeting again, his third in three days and also started some anti-anxiety meds yesterday. I really REALLY want to believe that this break up is what will give him the kick in the ass he needs to sort himself out.
I’m actively searching for somewhere to go, looking on Craigslist (scams, all scams!) and Zillow and have called a real estate agent recommended to me by a friend. I also got my phone sorted out today (FINALLY. 3 trips to the damn store later…), so that’s completely mine now and he has no access.
