If he was a good father you wouldn’t have anything to tell that kids mom. He is a fucked up human being with a shit ton of problems and the best thing for that kid would be to not be around him.
Frankly I think the BEST thing you could do for the kid right now is to get him away from his dad until the guy sorts himself out. That may be never, but a little boy should not have to cope with an unstable and frankly dangerous adult in any way shape or form. BTDT and it was so awful. Repercussions from it still crop up to this day, and I’m over 50.
YOU cannot fix the guy, he is holding you hostage via your emotions and that’s not a healthy way for either of you to live. Keep on your path to getting out, the sooner the better. If he gets himself together and stays that way, maybe you can rekindle things a few years down the line. I can’t say as I’d recommend it, but it has happened.
Go now, go fast, go far, and for heaven’s sake TELL the boy’s mother what you are seeing!
What is the best thing for the kid may not be the best thing for NTT. Drop them both like a live grenade. Git!
Stay away from all of that crowd forever.
This kind of wanting to be helpful, while you are in a bad spot, shows a dysfunctional attitude on your part. You may be using the child as an excuse to keep contact (either consciously or unconsciously). Equally, it all may be a lever for loser to keep some kind of control over you.
They are dead to you. Act accordingly.
Best wishes,
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Isn’t there some sort of women’s shelter to which you can go?
QFT. I had to deal with an angry drunk parent, and aside from the mental damage (at 44, still a problem), the child is in serious physical danger from negligence or outright violence.
I hate to sound like a bitch or like I’m piling on, but if you really do love that child, his safety will be MUCH more important than appeasing an abuser by covering for the fact that said abuser is NOT a fit parent and should NOT be entrusted with an innocent small person.
NTT, I am so sorry you are going through this at the moment, but on the other hand am very happy that you are leaving this man. He sounds like my father, who abused my mother in the same way that you described. It took her 20 years to get the courage to leave, it was hard and we had to go into hiding and have police involvement. It was worth it though.
I’m glad to read that you are still extricating yourself, please keep on this path. He may be making steps now to make amends but I doubt that he is capable of making any long term changes.
If I were you, I’d be letting someone at your work about your situation, you need to have all the support you can get. Also, if he is likely to go to your work to confront you it’s best that they have a heads up.
IMHO his suicide threats are just him attempting to manipulate you. If he continues the threats, perhaps you should contact one of his friends / family members so they can help him. If you do that, it may also give him someone that he can talk to.
Stay strong, and make sure you are taking care of yourself.
It’s inevitable that any two people in a relationship will hurt each other from time to time by accident.
However, in a normal healthy adult relationship, the participants do not punish each other; they do not take steps to deliberately make each other feel bad for any reason.
You’re describing the actions of a man-child, someone who is not fit for an adult-to-adult relationship.
Thanks to everyone for the feedback about his son. I talked to a friend last night who also suggested that I contact his ex and I will. I hope everyone understands why I can’t do that while I’m still living with him. I realize it’s not the ideal scenario but I’m doing my best. If the child is here for visits I will be home to step in if something happens, as of now he’s telling me “I don’t want him here while things are crazy” which is either a smart decision on his part or an attempt to make me feel guilty that he can’t see his son because I’m fucking things up. I’m actually leaning towards smart decision. There haven’t been any explosions in the past couple of days, he’s come home the last 2 nights and gone straight to bed.
If I were willing to abandon or surrender my dogs there are. There is nothing in my area that allows me to bring them. I 100% understand why people are telling me to do so anyhow, but leaving them here is NOT an option and I don’t have anywhere to park them. I can board them (and I did look into that after it was suggested here) and if I truly truly have to I will, but the financial hit of doing that will severely damage my ability to move out of here.
My boss knows what’s going on. We’re a small company (it’s really just us as the main employees) and she’s a good friend as well as my employer. She’s been wonderful.
I have threatened to call: his ex, his boss (who is also his friend), a coworker he is friends with, and the cops. The last one I followed through on, because I truly believed he was serious that time. They showed up and carted him off to the emergency room, where we both sat for hours and hours before being told that they were going to commit him. He made a giant fuss, got released, and still seethes over the bills associated with that visit. If it happens again I’m going to call one of his friends who can come over and deal with him. Chances are good he would be bluffing, but he gets pretty insane when emotions are running high and alcohol is involved so who the hell knows.
Ha. When that happened and I directly asked him “is this a punishment because you’re mad at me?” he told me he was “giving me time to think about what I really want”. Despite the fact that I begged him to please leave his son home, that I wanted to spend the day with him. He left me crying and proceeded to post pics of the two of them having a grand old time all day. ASSHOLE.
Surprisingly, there have been no crazy fights since… Sunday. Monday there was an argument over text but by the time he got home we were both burnt out and nothing flared up. He’s been going to meetings, handling his work shit, even went to the doctor and got something to help with his anxiety. He’s not pestering me all day, nods and says “okay” when I tell him “you understand why I have to go, right?”.
Annnnnd there I go defending him again. I’m sick.
You’re doing great, Nikki. I’ve been lurking in this thread and I’m sure a lot of other people are too. We’re all pulling for you and wishing you the best.
Your life is probably going to suck for a while, but then it will get so much better, you’ll look back and think of this time as a dark tunnel that you climbed out of.
Nikki, I hope that you’re not under the impression that once you get the lease changed into your name, you can boot him out. IANAL but I’m nearly 100% sure that this isn’t the case. This is his residence, and you cannot make him leave without a court order. The fact that he doesn’t pay towards it, or that his name is not officially on the lease, is irrelevant.
By far, that would be the cleanest way to get him out of your home is to move. Discuss your situation with the landlord. He might cooperate and even let you waive the 30 or 60 day notice. In any event, it’s imperative that you know what your rights are here, so I’d urge you to talk to someone who knows the housing laws in your area. This is where a woman’s shelter might be helpful, even if you cannot reside there.
I’d also caution you not to call his ex, at least not now. First of all, she doesn’t like or trust you. Secondly, it’s reeks of vindictiveness, whether that’s the case or not. Thirdly, if you’re not willing to testify in court against him, then it accomplishes very little because the ex cannot suspend visitation without a court order. Fourthly, it will make him furious and that’s not good for the boy. Finally, it might put you into danger.
Your first order of business is to continue along with your escape plan. In the meantime, try not to respond to his provocative statements or get baited into a fight. I fear that all has been quiet since Monday because he knows that you’re in a different mindspace and wants to keep you roped in. But once he finds out that you’re really leaving, he’ll undoubtedly escalate. So definitely have a Plan B in place, even if that means moving to a campground for a week.
Good luck to you.
Agreed. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the person being abused is leaving. My best advice for you, Nikki, is to truly believe that once you are in a position to actually leave him, he will be extremely dangerous, no matter how he’s acted up to that point. I agree that you need to move out, not just kick him out (which as has been noted may not even be legal). If you have to go back and get more stuff with him there, get a police escort - seriously. There were two women recently killed here doing just that - the ex killed them both.
People are very understanding of an abusive relationship and what it has done to you. Most of the people you know are probably wishing very hard that you would leave this awful man who treats you so badly.
With regards to the ex-wife and son, I think you need to figure out what you would regret doing or not doing. Would you regret it if you didn’t say anything to the ex? She might not like you, and she might not respond the way you’d like her to, but I think this is information she should have, after you’ve moved out.
I’m going to agree with the assessment of “bullshit” on that, too. Grown-ups have to deal with their own shit, not blame other people for it. If life with you was so bad, he had the option to leave, not abuse you and be a drunk.
He needs a good dad. He’s in real physical danger from this dad.
This.
Agreed to this, too. Above all else, stay safe. You might be reading this thinking, “They don’t know him like I do; he’d never hurt me like that.” Yeah, he would. You’ve described a textbook abuser here.
Regarding the suicide threats and issues with his son, you need to learn a very valuable saying; “This is not my burden to carry.” You can’t make him happy or prevent him from killing himself or fix him or fix his life or be responsible for how your soon-to-be-ex and his ex-wife raise their son. How can you be responsible for things that you have absolutely no say in? If you’re not responsible, then you don’t need to feel guilty.
And you want to hear something “funny”? From reading between the lines in what you’ve described, I wouldn’t be at all surprised to find out that he’s been cheating on you. The signs are all there.
Where is it that you live? Maybe someone could foster your dogs until you find a place. Or perhaps you could ask your landlord for a different apartment, since you don’t have a lease. That way you don’t have to worry about trying to evict him, you just move out. It’s his problem trying to pay for the old place.
StG
Contact a local shelter and explain the situation. Make it clear that you’re worried about their safety. They may have good advice. They may be able to shelter the animals for a short period.
Good luck, and too bad it took this long for you to see the writing on the wall. Under NO circumstances consider any possible resolution other than splitting up! This guy is serious bad news, and you need him out of your life. That’s true even if you’re grossly exaggerating half of it and making up the rest.
Surreptitiously move all your valuables to a safe and undisclosed location. You may need to get a break from work to be home when he’s away so that he won’t see it happening. You can probably handle the dogs “in the open” just making it clear you’re finding ways to handle them “until things get worked out.” He’ll probably take that as an admission that you’ll be moving out; don’t disabuse him of that.
Consider contacting a lawyer about the lease. The landlord may not be able to take him off the lease without his permission, even if he thinks he can. (I sure wouldn’t know, but I wouldn’t expect a landlord to always know.)
Somehow I’d missed a lot of posts when I responded above.
It’s something everyone should enjoy the experience of! I remember the wonderful feeling of freedom, and while I know I’d never want to live alone, I’m glad I had the experience.
That’s right. Unless there’s some special case for victims of abuse. I just helped my son transfer off our joint bill, to the restaurant he now manages, and it was a bit of a pain and he definitely needed my sign-off.
I think you should simply get a new account with a new (cheap/free) phone and a new number. Then tell your ex-bf to cancel your account. That’ll probably cost (if you got a phone). For example, even though we got relatively inexpensive phones, it would have been a $200 charge to remove my son from the account. Lesson: you’re better off buying an older phone on ebay to taking a phone-company deal, unless you really plan to stick out the two year plan!
This is going to cost you, but the alternative is that he has leverage over you. You need to cut all ties.
This is excellent advice, as is the rest of this post. Make a plan that doesn’t depend on his doing anything, since you can’t trust him to follow through even if he agrees, and he’s unlikely to agree to anything.
It’s going to cost you some money to handle this. Consider getting a small loan. Loans are easier to get before you go broke dealing with stuff.
PS: It’s great that your ex is being a mensch. Take this opportunity (you probably already have) to say what an idiot you were, how sorry you are, and how much you appreciate his sanity.
Meanwhile, stick with your plan to live alone for a while. I doubt you’d regret that.
Regarding your exbf’s ex, I agree to leave that alone for now. Once the dust has completely settled, you might consider telling her that if she ever needs you to testify, you will. Just be aware that it could cause a backlash. It’s hard to predict what crazy people will do. But if you feel it’s in his son’s best interest, that’s the risk you may feel you need to take. But don’t do more than that (offer to testify).
Thanks again to everyone that’s given their support and suggestions, including those who have reached out privately. I can’t tell you how important and reaffirming it is to hear “I’ve been there” from people who have made it through and to get perspective from people who can be more objective than my mother or my friend.
Thank you for this. I truly don’t know how I’m going to deal with the fallout (emotional or practical) of any of this but I’m going to have to. I’m flinching from it like a cat from a hot stove, but I realize it’s going to happen and I’d better put on my Big Girl Pants and deal.
I’ve given up the idea of staying here and kicking him out. Even with new locks I’m too vulnerable here. My dogs have to go out in the yard, my car has to get parked here, he knows my routine. I’ve agreed to “give him the house”, although he still doesn’t know there is no lease at the moment. My landlord’s flakiness in following up with that is a benefit in this case. Once I’ve secured a place, I will quietly give the landlord notice and tell her he intends on staying. After that, it’s not my problem.
Yeah, I absolutely cannot contact her until I’m out. She may not believe me at all (although I think she will. She’s gotten too many drunken middle of the night phone calls not to know something is up with him), and if she does I will be putting myself into an extremely volatile situation when she confronts him. I truly don’t think he would do anything intentionally to harm his son, but I’ve seen him spiral out of control in a shockingly short amount of time before so I really shouldn’t try to predict anything.
I’m trying so hard not to engage with him but I have this sickening need for contact. I truly feel like I’m addicted to the man, and even though I can recognize how gross that is, it’s hard to fight. He’s been incredibly calm and reasonable this week, telling me that “it’s my decision” and that he isn’t going to beg me to stay nor make it hard for me to go. Confronted with that, it’s SO DAMN HARD not to get sucked in. I hate myself for it, but I love him and want more than anything for things to be different between us.
Coming here and reading what I wrote in the heat of the moment helps, as I can say “oh yeah, he’s being super rational now but a week ago he was promising to destroy my life”.
I have born the brunt of some pretty severe rages from him, and although right this moment it’s hard for me to believe he would grievously hurt me, he goes seriously fucking nuts when he’s wound. He has spit on me, pushed me, and grabbed me and it’s not too far a leap to picture him heaving something at me or throwing a real punch. The flip from romantic, passionate dude into wild eyed, spit flying, insult hurling asshole is astonishing. In all my years with my ex-husband, I think we said “fuck you” to each other maybe twice and it was acknowledged to be truly awful and we were both ashamed of it. This guy has called me a cunt, a whore, a monster, has told me that I’ve ruined his son’s life, told me that I’ll never be a real mother, and that I’m an untrustworthy animal who doesn’t deserve shit in life. Look for his profile on OKCupid soon ladies, he’s single.
Agreed.
When I hear “abuse”, I think broken noses and black eyes, but I’m starting to understand that there is more than one type of abuser. Have I said rotten things to him and been a bitch at times? Sure. But I don’t wage psychological warfare on him or try to jab him in the most tender parts. When we fight and it gets really heated, I still cage my words because A. I don’t want to say anything that causes permanent damage to him (ie: you’re a shitty father with fucked up priorities) and B. I don’t want to push him to violence.
On the first, I understand that you’re right but it’s a hard pill to swallow. I think I need some time turning that one over before I can be at peace with it.
Regarding cheating: yeah, probably. I’ve already mentioned the late night texts and the fact that while he can account for my time with precision, I don’t really know what he’s up to between the time that I go to my second job and he comes home from work. I don’t even really know if he’s at work when he’s supposed to be, I don’t drop in without texting him first. The fact that he’s SO insistent that I’m catting around speaks to his own guilt. Guess where he is right now? The bar. So much for AA.
I’m just outside of Detroit. Asking my landlord about a different property is a really good suggestion, I will do that.
This is what my mom is telling me. She was married young, then divorced with young kids, then remarried and is now living on her own and she insists that she’s living her real life now. Sometimes I’m excited for it (wearing anything I want to bed! THREE glasses of wine if I want to, because I don’t have to be sharp in case of an argument! The dogs can sleep right on my damn pillow with me if they want to! Whee!) and sometimes I’m TERRIFIED (I’m so damn broke, how can I afford this? What if my car breaks down? I don’t know how to fix a car! I don’t even know how to mow a lawn! Oh man, it’s gonna suck so bad to wake up in the middle of the night with no one there…).
This is what I did, minus going the used phone route, which I didn’t even think of. God help me, I am not equipped to live on my own… Regardless, I had my number ported over to a different carrier and have enjoyed TWO WHOLE DAYS of texting and calling anyone I wanted (same people I contacted before, SO SHADY) without worrying that I was going to be questioned. I still have a password on my phone, and look forward to the day when I can leave it laying out without worrying about anyone pouncing on it to check up on me.
I drove around looking at properties tonight, as well as looking online for assistance programs to help me move. This afternoon I took my car in to have some repairs done in preparation of selling it so I can buy something cheaper and have more $$ available for housing.
Anyone got a cottage in the middle of nowhere they’re not using? I’m a good tenant and the dogs could use the fresh air 
Ps. I also got a haircut and dye today, which I’ve not been able to do in months because the only day my hairdresser works that I don’t is the day I normally take care of his son. He hates me as a redhead but I like it so FUCK HIM.
Reading these two paragraphs back to back -
You know Nikki is it possible that what you’re feeling for him isn’t love but fear?
For a long time now you’ve lived with a need to make sure everything is ok with him, not because you want the best for him, but because you’re trying to prevent him from starting a rage spiral. His displeasure, rational or not, is dangerous. Checking with him, trying to make sure he’s ok - sometimes that’s an altruistic concern for a beloved. Sometimes, it’s a survival mechanism.
I don’t know the answer to my question. You might not either. I don’t know.