This is part of why you should be in contact with a group that helps victims. They can not only give you help getting out but they can give you support on adjusting where your head is at. Getting out is an excellent move, but please don’t just do it on your own because even if all goes well for you physically, the abuse you’ve been under will continue to play with your mind. Counseling and contact with other former victims can help you stay grounded, creating a line of reference for you. Going it alone can make it a very slow road to recovery.
I see that you’re already starting to soften. Sad to say, we knew that was coming because we all know couples like you IRL. It’s very rare that a victim actually leaves the first time. Or the tenth time. That’s why friends and family drift apart over time. We can’t force you to leave him, but we can’t watch you stay, either. Isolating you works in his favor, of course, because he has fewer people to answer to when he pulls his next stunt. And there will be a next stunt.
You’re playing out a classic pattern of abuse. Trust me, he’ll dial it back and lay on the charm as long as it takes to lure you back in. That’s how master manipulators operate. He’ll start talking about how he’s going to miss you, and he’s jealous because he loves you sooooo much, and gosh, his boy is really going to suffer after you’re gone. But if you want to leave, it’s your choice!
And, because it’s so easy to mistake attraction for compatibility and passion for love, before too long, you’ll be back in bed with a man who makes your stomach hurt.
FYI, Ted Bundy lured potential victims by putting his arm in a cast and asking for help getting stuff loaded into his car. He was handsome and charming, and had no problems finding victims willing to get into his car. Just keep in mind that if he looked like Howard Stern, no one would have ever gotten into that car willingly. If he’d have shown up armed with a knife, no one would have ever gotten into that car willingly. Be extra wary of the charming ones because you don’t realize they’re dangerous until you’ve already gotten into the car with them.
But since you’ve already gotten into the car, my advice remains simple: Get the hell out before he handcuffs your hands to the steering wheel.
Reading this afterwards it sounds very petty. My hair color should not be taking up any of my time when there are more important things to deal with. Felt good to do something for myself, is all I can say.
I don’t know, and I’ve been thinking about this since I read it last night. I have absolutely been very deliberate about things when I can tell something is “off” as a way of preventing a fight (doesn’t usually work. How about that). I do love him though, at least I think I do. My instincts and head are so messed up right now I don’t know up from down. I was thinking about that last night, too. Has this relationship wrecked my inability to think straight or have I always been a whackadoodle and that’s why I got into this mess in the first place? Lots of thinking to be done on my part.
Nope, I’m outta here. This isn’t the first time things have come to the point of breaking up, but this round has lasted the longest and it’s the first time I’ve ever spilled even a portion of the details to anyone, IRL or online. I’m smart enough to know that he’s not going to change and I also know that if I stay this time, the next time the people who are willing to help me now are going to be wary. I have no interest in exhausting my friends and family with the back and forth BS and putting myself in a worse situation. I won’t be the girl who cried wolf.
Yeah… you nailed it spot on. He’s jealous because he loves me, he’s paranoid because he “has something worth fighting for”. He’s going to miss me but understands why I have to make this decision but boy, I’d better be sure because now he has to tell his son why I’m not going to be around and he’s really disappointed that I’m breaking up our family. Junior is going to be devastated because I’m his “mom” and he needs me in his life.
Even now, the attraction is still there, but I’m not letting it sway me. He’s an unwell person and I’m not gambling my future on him. I have a chance to have a real life now and I’m going to take it.
Thank you. I’m going to remember this and keep it mind when he shows up with the “but I need you, please help me” routine. He’s a human being and as such I have compassion for his suffering but me being here isn’t helping either of us. Maybe he will hit rock bottom and make the changes he needs to once he’s alone. Sadly, I suspect he will just hook another girl in (if he doesn’t have someone lined up already) and continue on.
He did not come home last night, and I suspect he’s waiting until I leave for work to come back.
I’m so glad to hear you say that. Keep moving towards that goal.
P.S. The title of this thread should have been, “Well, I left him.”
Assault and battery.
Assault and battery.
Assault and battery.
Verbal abuse.
Psychological abuse.
At least you still have your sense of humour. 
That’s a hard one to learn and internalize, especially for women who are hard-wired to nurture, but it’s a critical life-lesson. You can’t fix other people, and you don’t need to feel bad about their problems. (I’m still working on it myself.)
You’re doing fine - deep breath.
I think pampering yourself was a very good thing to do, and very important. You need to be in full-on taking care of yourself mode now.
I had another idea for you - if you can rent another place that takes dogs, maybe you can rent a room out in that place to help make ends meet.
This IS hard. I feel a sense of obligation to fix the troubles of everyone in my life, even people who really don’t merit my efforts (which is not to sound snotty, I mean like incidental friends who don’t even expect my help). I don’t know what that’s all about, I can’t connect it with anything I was taught growing up other than being helpful was a nice thing to be.
It felt very indulgent and like a guilty use of scarce cash but honestly I was looking pretty haggard. I feel a thousand times better now that I’m cleaned up. Good enough to put some effort into what I wore to Mother’s Day lunch today and dig out the mascara. Such a seemingly surface thing, but for me if I feel like I look pulled together (and I may not actually look pulled together but that’s another story) I have more confidence to act accordingly.
Definitely thought of this one. A housemate would have to be okay with my dogs (and responsible about keeping gates closed and dangerous items away from them) but other than that I really get alone with almost anyone. I’ve been looking on the real estate sites and Craigslist for “roommates wanted” ads and nothing fits so far but I’m still checking.
Petty or not, it made me laugh!
I say good for you for taking a step to reclaim your authority to decide for yourself what you want, especially in such a fundamental area as your own appearance. Good luck to you, NTT! I hope that you and your dogs are in a safe place soonest, and that you let this relationship dwindle in the rear view mirror of your life.
I forget if it came up earlier in the thread, but have you read ‘The Gift of Fear?’ What you describe here is a classic abusive relationship, right back to the intense, swept-off-your-feet beginning of it. Please, please be careful as you get yourself out of there, but do it soon. And give yourself a world of credit for pulling yourself out of something that was so destructive. It’s not easy, and here you are doing it! You’ve got this!
I JUST reread it not even a 3 weeks ago and as I was going through I was thinking “yes. Yes. Yes again… Shit”. I’m going to look up some books about addictive relationships, that’s what I’ve got going on here and I need to educate myself so I don’t fall into another one. Thank you for the encouragement!
In addition to The Gift of Fear, you might be interested in Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Don’t read it where he can see it.
O Nikki, please listen… You are not alone, but you are in danger, even if it’s potential.
This is excellent advice. Shelters abound. There will be county resources. The animal protective services might offer help ( I hear you about the dogs- no one has ever said " me or the dog" because it would be the dog;) or horse, for that matter).
Sadly, this sort of advice has been too late for a handful of my patients. The responders here are knowledgeable and caring. Please take care of yourself.
I’ve been lurking a lot in your thread, but you keep saying things that strike a chord.
When I needed to stay strong to leave my crazy controlling abusive ex, that was how I did it. I went to the library and researched addictive relationships, codependency, and for my case, domestic violence. I wrote 10 pages of notes, front and back. (And circles and asterisks and exclamation points.) It helped.
One thing I learned might help you now. This is an addictive relationship… for both of you. When you start begging to be forgiven and crying to be told what’s wrong- he’s getting a high. Like any other addictive thing, he’ll build a tolerance, so he has to escalate the drama, to feed that high. (Crying isn’t doing it for me anymore?! I’ll add some name-calling! Not exciting enough?! Well, how about if I just break some of her shit?! :mad: )
I read this many years ago, and what do you know, you can find everything online!! 
I reread it with your thread in mind, and I may have lost a detail or two, but I think a lot of these apply to your relationship.
Ann Landers’ warning signs of abuse
Nikki, I’m sure there are many like me who have mostly lurked in this thread but are concerned for your well-being.
I hope everything is moving along OK, and that you’ll update us soon. We’re thinking of you.
Hi Nikki, I just wanted to check in to see how you are doing. I care. I am so glad you got your hair done, I bet you look awesome! And please do not fret over the expense, sometimes doing something nice for ourselves is good therapy.
If you ever need someone to talk with, I unfortunately have lots of experience on what you are going through, and I would be happy to lend you a shoulder or an ear.
I hope you have a great weekend 
You would really benefit from reading “The Verbally Abusive Relationship”
by Patricia Evans that I previously mentioned. Check your local library. It will explain a lot.
Pulling for you, NTT. I’m not sure if this is realistic and not sure how old Jr. Is, but would it be possible to give him a goodbye and an explanation if you are never going to see him again? Possibly even more crazy, but once you have left and the dust has settled, is there a snowball’s chance that Jr.'s mom would let you see him once in awhile? At least as a taper type of thing? If you could see Jr. without ever seeing your ex, maybe this would be possible. I may just get attacked but the thought of him still getting to see you is nice. I know his mom hates you, so it is probably unlikely…
tesseract, I suggest one thing at a time. Let’s get Nikki out safely for now. As for talking to the soon-to-be-ex, not a good idea for now. The ex is still clearly in manipulation mode, even though he appears to be on good behavior. That’s just a show to lure NTT back.
Nikki, I hope it is moving weekend for you and that things are going well.
Yeah, good point. First things first…yes, here’s hoping it’s moving weekend.
Indeed it was. A frantic, under the wire packing and moving tornado but… I’m out.
Friday night culminated in him screaming at me and calling his cop buddy to try and have me removed from the house. I locked myself and the dogs in the bedroom until morning and started throwing shit in boxes as soon as he left. Saturday I packed during the day and left before he came home. I slept on my office floor in a pile of my dogs.
Yesterday I brought the dogs and a handful of essentials to my mom’s house. I’m going to stay here for awhile. My mom is *wonderful * (my whole family has been so so great) but she has a dog and some cats, a boyfriend who is over frequently, and her own life. I know she’ll let me stay as long as I need to but I don’t want to intrude any longer than I have to, so I’m continuing to look for a place I can be on my own. I’m going to get on my feet, save some money, and start living a real life.
Last night I took the passcode lock off my phone. That felt ridiculously liberating.
The dogs are stressed to the max, they’ve been in a crazy house for so long that they’re all on edge and then being shuttled around to the office and now here has got them pretty riled up. The girls got in a fairly serious fight today (one has two puncture wounds that require a drain and twice daily flushing, plus a deep abrasion around her neck from where her collar strangled her during the attack) and the other has some shallow scrapes on her throat. The third dog has an auto-immune disease that causes his claws to grow weird and fall off, wouldn’t you know that this morning two of them came loose and had t be removed at the vet’s. I’m doing my best to cry in the car instead of into their fur to keep an even mood and chill them out (one of the girls is extremely sensitive to my stress levels and kooks out when I’m upset. The attack happened because she thought the other one was threatening me). I might have some hard choices to make there, but I’m waiting until some times has passed and everyone is stable until I make them. For now everyone is under my eyeballs and away from him and that’s good enough.
tesseract, his son is 3 and change, and wouldn’t understand any explanation I would be allowed to give. He was at the house this weekend, and the ex requested that I leave the house while they were coming and going so that he wouldn’t see me. I did with the exception of Saturday morning, when kiddo was up and about before I could leave. He climbed my legs and gave me a hug, that was heartbreaking. I may very well contact his ex beyond a diplomatic warning about the drinking and tell her that if she every needs someone to hang onto him for the day, or someone to help in an emergency situation, I’ll be there. Losing him is really the worst part of this whole thing. Right now I have it in a little box that I don’t open, I don’t have the ability to cope with that hurt right now. I did leave him a note on his chalkboard even though he can’t read it and his dad will probably erase it before he sees it. When I was there moving yesterday I saw that he’d already removed my picture from the frame that had shots of all of us. I imagine he’ll shove me under the rug and move on to the next sucker.
There hasn’t been any contact today, and the few people who know where I am have been asked not to tell anyone else (so you guys keep mum, okay?). It wouldn’t take a genius to figure it out, but… no use serving myself up to him.
I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the support and resources. Having strangers pull for me as well as the support of my truly wonderful family (my dad and brother came over and spent their whole Sunday hauling my stuff to storage. When I thanked them, my brother said “I’d do it again tomorrow if you needed it.” I cried :p) gave me the strength I needed to run. I’m incredibly grateful that I left before it got worse, I know that’s where it was going. Talking to my grandmother over the weekend, she told me that my grandfather was a drunk (knew that) and that he used to beat the hell out of her on a regular basis (didn’t know that). Her next husband was an abusive asshole too, so now I’m wondering if I absorbed some of that unknowingly and it’s influenced my choices. I have a lot of thinking and learning to do to understand how I got to where I was and why I put up with it, and I’m willing to do that work.
Thank you again for being an internet ear for me, it’s been so helpful to get this all out.