Thank you for going through with that very needed move. You have probably saved your sanity, your self-respect, and possibly your life. And please, please please don’t ever believe him again.
BTW, to do spoiler boxes: type [ spoiler ] and [ /spoiler ] - minus the extra spaces inside the brackets - around what you’re trying to hide.
**Good for you. **So many stories like yours have unhappier endings. I’m really proud of you. 
NTT - I’m so glad to hear you are out. I hope you were able to grab everything that was yours, but in the end, it’s just stuff.
{{{{NTT}}}} (and your dogs too)
Now, deep breath, and start making the next thing happen, such as removing your name from the bills or removing his. And, unfortunately, stay alert.
All I gotta say is YOU GO GIRL!!
Love your family and love that you are letting them help. So glad your doggies made it out with you too.
Nowhere to go but up!
A warrior puts on armor before battle. In your case, your armor came courtesy of Miss Clairol. 
And it worked.
I found this book extremely helpful.
Whew! Well done, NTT!
Hee hee. Even more helpful than that was everyone (here and in real life) that what was happening was wrong. I mean, that seems obvious to anyone on the outside but I was so deep into things that I couldn’t see just how bad it was until I started talking and people were like “…that’s pretty effed up.” I shoved things down and made excuses for him (and my own behavior, like never being able to make plans with friends, screwing up at work, etc) for so long that letting even a little of it out felt amazing.
I’m being incredibly preemptive, but once I’m steady and on my feet I’d really like to do something to help women in my situation. Help line volunteering or putting time in at a shelter. If I’m dreaming big, I’d really like to own a house where someone has to run can go with her animals and be safe. He always told me “you want to do too many things” meaning that my goals (which are pretty damn modest. I want to be an expert in my career and write a book someday) were an interference to our “family”. Well, there’s another goal, asshole. Helping women get away from people like you.
As much as I love the library and real books, I’m always happy when someone’s suggestion is available on kindle so I don’t have to wait! I’ll check this one out as well 
Why Child, the link you posted is SPOT ON. He never threatened me with physical violence (he would say things like “I’m going to ruin your life”, “I’ll destroy you”) but other than that, every single item on the list is accurate. God, I’m lucky I left before he started punching me. Why didn’t I walk the first time he shoved me? Why didn’t I run like hell the first time he called me names?
Anyone in an abusive relationship has their own reasons for staying, and their own reasons for leaving. You don’t need to beat yourself up over any of it, but you do need to learn from your mistakes to not make them again. 
Also, that’s where assertiveness training comes in - learning to defend your own boundaries and realize when someone is stepping on them. I think of it in terms of toes - no one is allowed to step on my toes, and I’m not allowed to step on anyone else’s toes. That’s the difference between not being assertive enough (allowing people to step on your toes), being aggressive (stepping on someone else’s toes), and finding the right balance - defending your own toes.
Bra-fucking-vo. Guess we gotta see about changing the thread title.
[QUOTE=Nikki Tikki Tavi]
Even more helpful than that was everyone (here and in real life) that what was happening was wrong. I mean, that seems obvious to anyone on the outside but I was so deep into things that I couldn’t see just how bad it was until I started talking and people were like “…that’s pretty effed up.” I shoved things down and made excuses for him (and my own behavior, like never being able to make plans with friends, screwing up at work, etc) for so long that letting even a little of it out felt amazing.
[/QUOTE]
“The thing about people who are truly and malignantly crazy: their real genius is for making the people around them think they themselves are crazy. In military science this is called Psy-Ops, for your info.”
Nikki: Did he know you posted to this board ( not this thread but in the past)? How did he ever ‘allow’ that? I speak from experience when I say that he has a personality disorder called ‘narcissism’. There are degress of narcissism, the worst being malignant narcissism where the narcissist takes pleasure in another’s pain.
The main thing about narcissism and other personality disorders is that these people cannot and will never change. There is nothing you can do to help them. Therapy cannot ‘cure’ them. The condition is a done deal.
I am sure he prides himself on just shoving and pushing and does not think of himself as an abuser because he has not yet punched you. That is just his rationalization. Took too long shopping? He fantasizes you are meeting men. Why? Because he has so many fantasies about meeting other women.
These men are so charming in the beginning. The perfect boyfriends until they know they ‘have you’. Then the control starts. You have been brainwashed, rationalizing the loss of your friends and giving up whatever used to be important to you. You walk around like a scared little bird fearing the big confrontation and his rage.
The good news is you can get your real self back; you can rediscover your old self without him. Therapy would help to figure out why he seemed like such a good fit for you to begin with, and why you chose to ignore the red flags.
He will go through his life seeking women to control and dominate. You will go through your life growing and celebrating your freedom…oh, and learning to trust again.
Yup. “Well, I left him” is much better.
Amen to that! Good luck, Nikki.
Good job, Nikki!!! Here’s to your new, much happier life! (Although it will be scary at first!)
Been following but not posting because I have no experience of this situation, nor any useful advice to offer.
Today’s news is excellent. Well done. Onward and upward.
You guys are awesome 
Oh man… this is so accurate. Two of my friends came over for wine and kvetching last night and this is what I was trying to explain to them. I have spent so long being made to feel like I’m a crazy, horrible person that I question everything I say. I expect people to mistrust me and think I’m a liar because that’s how I was treated.
Not that I’m aware of. I really haven’t posted a bunch since we’ve been together, although I’ve always lurked.
I want so badly to think that this will be his “bottom” and that he will realize that he needs to sort himself out but I know that’s unlikely to happen. He is a narcissist. Everything, always, is about him. Even telling me that he loved me, it was always “I need you, you make me feel this way.” Any stress or trouble I was having was turned around to be about him and how hard he had it. Oddly enough, my ex had him pegged. He told me when I left “that guy is a narcissistic asshole who doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He will use you up.” Boy, was he right.
I know I’ve already responded to this post but** PunditLisa**, I want you to know how much it helped to be called out like this, as gentle as it was. It might be stubbornness than anything else but when I read this I thought “oh hell naw. I will NOT be a statistic.” I thought about my family and my boss standing at the ready to help and everyone who offered support here and thought “if I don’t leave this time, these people may not be as willing to be there the next time. Every time I say I’m going to leave and don’t people are going to distance themselves from me more and more and then I’ll truly be screwed.”
The friends that came over last night are people I haven’t seen in at least 2 years, but I’ve known one of them since elementary school and the other since high school. Both of them said “yeah, we never liked him, our husbands never liked him, we don’t like his friends and anything he or they say about you is going to be seen as the pathetic bullshit that it is.” Saying out loud “he pushed me, he spit on me, let me tell you about this argument” and hearing back “we hate that son of a bitch and totally believe you” was… SUCH a relief. I really thought they might question me.
I’ve heard from two former coworkers and a handful of women I’m friends with on Facebook (some I know IRL, some not) and each one has said “I love you, you got this”. Absolutely amazing who is around when I thought I was so alone.
I’m so glad you are making yourself free.
I just had to come back in this thread and give you a big WOO HOO!
YAY! Do a couple more things like that for yourself. Like, at the gas station, instead of looking down and barely muttering thanks when you get your change (so he doesn’t somehow find out about your interactions with another male and accuse you of flirting), smile at the guy! You’ll feel so alive!
And I bet you could totally do something to help other women. In fact, you have already helped, just by telling your story. See, I am grateful for this thread for my own reasons too. I had never before yours heard a story so like my own. It opened up some more than ten year old wounds, for sure, but it was like a salve to hear someone so eloquently express things that I have never been able to explain. You’re stellar for that.
Now, take your time healing and rediscovering yourself. Best wishes, girl!
I’m so very glad I could help. It’s not often that someone in your predicament takes advice because they’ve so beaten down. How refreshing it is to see someone take back control and her life.
One day you’ll meet someone who doesn’t give you ulcers. It may not be as red-hot passionate as the experience you had with this guy, but I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to be in a relationship with someone who is easy to get along with. Yes, a good relationship involves some work, but it shouldn’t be a constant struggle to get along. If it is, then that’s a huge sign that you’re with the wrong person.
Good luck to you and your dogs.
Congratulations, Nikki!! Glad to see you got out! And got to keep your dogs, too! 
Good luck to you.