Joy! Joy! Joy! (that’s big jumps and little jumps)
Let the healing begin.
That’s what my mom kept telling me. “It’s not supposed to be this hard”.
Guys, I know I shouldn’t, but I miss him. Yesterday was the first Sunday I’ve had on my own in forever and I was up and down all damn day. Took one of the dogs to a park for the afternoon and although I very much enjoyed getting out and exercising with her, when we jumped back into the car and I remembered that I was heading back to my mom’s instead of to him, I was crushed. Little things keep sneaking up on me. A movie on cable that we watched together, something at the grocery store that I know he likes, driving past the park we used to take his son to. I haven’t heard from him in over a week and I keep reaching for my phone to text him “just to check in” and stopping myself.
I know I know I know I’m better off out of there. All I have to do is reread this thread to remind myself of how awful it was, but I’ve never been alone before and it sucks. I keep myself as busy as I possibly can during the day but I have to turn the lights off at some point and I can’t turn off my head. Everyone keeps telling me “you’re going to love being single” but so far I most definitely do NOT love it. I’m questioning my decision stacked up against missing him so bad and wondering if the bullshit wasn’t worth being with him.
UGH. I want to fast forward past all of this ache and get to the happy stage. I want him to move to another state so I don’t ever have to run into him again. I want him to be a different damn person so we could be together. And it fucking hurts that he just gets to go on with his life as usual while I feel like I’m in the bottom of a well.
{{Nikki}}
It will get better! Think of him like picking your nose; you know you shouldn’t do it, you’d wish you hadn’t if you do, but habits are hard to break 
Something better will come along (and note, I don’t necessarily mean a new guy, but a new life- a new hobby, new friends…) and soon a day will come when you realise you haven’t thought of him all day, and if you did happen to think about him, you couldn’t see how he’d fit into your life any more.
Don’t just go for ‘being busy’; shake stuff up, do things you never tried before, and try and find out what you enjoy doing. I bet the you that doesn’t have him looking over her shoulder all the time likes some very different things than the old you did. If you try and carry on with your life as much like it was before as you can, but without him, of course it’ll feel like there’s a big gaping hole in it.
Good luck, and I hope you start feeling better soon!
Believe me when I say this: His “going on and living his life as if nothing happened” is not such a picnic. He has to find someone to feed his narcissism which is hard work. He has to defend himself constantly from his real inner thoughts of total worthlessness. A lot of psychic energy goes into being that messed up for an entire lifetime with no hope of change. And these guys get worse. They get physical, in a really bad way.
You are the lucky one. You are out of there. I promise it will feel better. Freedom takes practice but it is so woth it.
Yup. He has to find and break a new victim. You just have to get better. Think of it as like beating a drug addiction - no one gets addicted to drugs that always make them feel like shit.
This is just what it feels like. I white-knuckled my way through the first few days (things being so busy and rushed helped to distract) and now the cravings are hitting. It’s about as easy as saying “cigarettes are obviously bad for you, so just don’t smoke them. And don’t want them, either. Here, have this shitty, unsatisfying gum instead. You’ll learn to like it”.
I wanted to text a friend today and say “talk me down from getting in touch with him” but didn’t. I’m so sick of being a vampire to everyone in my life (so, sorry SDMB. You guys can always ignore me without guilt if I get too whiny, my friends can’t :p) Every time my boss checks in on me I bitch and moan, my poor mother is getting random rants and whines from me all the time and I can’t seem to cheer the fuck up. I don’t even know what I like any more. I go to work, zombie through it thinking sad thoughts the whole time, come back and walk my dogs, and then busy myself with whatever practical shit I have to take care of until bed time. I try to read and my eyes just skim the page. I tear up at the idea of watching a movie, any movie, because watching and dissecting flicks was one of the things we did together. I can’t find pleasure in anything, every past-time just feels like a substandard placeholder for what I lost.
There are so many things I have to be grateful for, and I am really really trying to take joy in them. The weather is beautiful, I’m busy at work, my dogs are loving the extra exercise, I have a wonderful family who circled the wagons around me. I’m healthy and in a comfortable house with a mom that is a great cook 
This is so fucking stupid. Shouldn’t I feel free and liberated and lucky to be out of a shitty relationship instead of crying because I miss it? Lame lame lame. I have got to break out of this negative, poor-me headspace.
It’s called “being human” Nikki. You have to forgive yourself but not forget what happened so you don’t do it again. A therapist can help you do it faster and better. I know it’s hard to take that step and actually go to a therapist but it’s worth it. It took me over 12 years to go but the help and relief for my situation was immediate.
I’d go so far as to say you know what, it isn’t really stupid. It’s perfectly reasonable to want to get in touch. But it’s just like anything else that is overwhelmingly better for you in the long term, but not so much in the short term: you won’t like what you’ve got when you get past the short term. If it were totally irrational, in an immediate time frame, to get in touch or check in or whatever, this wouldn’t be hard at all. It would be “don’t do what’s crazy,” end of story. But it’s not irrational. It’s bad and don’t do it and stop that train, Nikki!.. but it makes perfect sense. It’s easy logic. It would feel better to do it. For a little bit.
That’s all that makes the difference between “this is stupid” and “this is exactly right,” really; shifting the time frame. It’s supposed to feel bad right now. It feeling bad is the short term consequence that buys you the long term freedom. They’re the same thing. It’s the relationship in reverse. You’ve done the smart thing, but the smart thing is the thing that feels the least right at the time. That doesn’t make it stupid to want it now. It just makes it not the right thing to do.
It’s also not a terrible idea to talk about it. Text 'em; what the fuck, right?
I’m not opposed to going, although I don’t expect it to be fun in the least. I went for a few sessions when I was going through my divorce and didn’t find it helpful at all, but I know that is because I went in there with my mind already made up to do what I was doing. We (the ex-boyfriend, not the ex-husband, the EH refused to go with me) went to a few couples sessions but they did more harm than good as he would insist on knowing what I planned to talk about before we got in there and fights about what got discussed usually followed. Frustrating. I’m willing to go on my own, and know I need to, at the moment it’s more a matter of time and money. I do have insurance but it’s garbage.
Being human really blows sometimes.
I read this about 5 times to make sure it really soaked in, and then thought ahead to what would happen if I “checked in”. He would either: ignore me, which would hurt. Reply with a tirade, which would hurt AND probably suck me into a fight. Reply with something emotional, which would hurt AND probably suck me back into trying to “help” him or responding with all the shit I want to say to him (“God I miss you and this feels so awful”) and then falling right back into our old cycle. No good outcomes, other than taking away that short term sting, just as you said.
I have absolutely got to believe that this won’t always feel this way.
As it so happens, he texted me today to tell me I had mail at the house and what should he do with it? I told him to leave it in the garage and I would pick it up this week, and that I hoped he was well. Two hours later he replied with “thank you”. I forced myself to put the phone down and now I hope he doesn’t follow that up with anything more.
I reread this thread and all of the advice in it almost every day. When I think something stupid like “I’m just going to tell him I’m thinking of him” or start to go down the rabbit hole of finding his posts on mutual friend’s facebook pages, I click over here and realize that you guys are out there living all sorts of lives and that the one I know doesn’t have to be the one I have. It helps. A lot.
Yeah, text them - they’ll be glad you’re texting them and not him. Friends have a high threshold of tolerance in these situations - more of them have been through it (or know someone else who has) than you may imagine. **Nikki Tikki Tavi ** you’re on the right track - lean on your friends. Get into some therapy, talk it out.
Get someone else to pick up the mail.
Stay strong, Nikki. These are the hours that test your courage and resolve. Don’t let yourself down. Don’t be seduced by the momentary rush that will be followed by regret and disappointment. He isn’t the man for you.
What you’re going through and what you’ve described sound very familiar to me as a recovering alcoholic (coming up on 20 years sober). That desire to soften, to go back to the familiar yet destructive routine. The minute by minute conscious effort it takes to NOT fall back into that pattern.
It is surely an imperfect comparison but if there are similarities, then I can tell you it absolutely will get better. When I finally quit drinking I was living with 3 guys in a one bedroom apartment, with no money (literally) and no job. On the first anniversary of my sobriety, I had my own apartment, a car, a steady job (which is now my career), a new wardrobe, and money in the bank. And I’d gotten back in touch with friends and family, some of whom I was sure had written me off!
And I felt supremely free of that horrible millstone that had been been dragging me down.
I was telling my wife about you, and how I admired what you were doing. She’s not a member, and I rarely discuss the board with her, as I’m not that prolific a poster so it doesn’t come up very often. Just know that we’re out here rooting for you!
It is an addiction, and you’re going cold-turkey. Don’t expect it to be easy. Find the patience to just sit out the hardest parts, and be confident that it will fade. It will fade! As mentioned above, get help with a group. You’re benefiting from this group here; you’d probably benefit as much or more with people in the same room with experience with the same issues and a therapist who is trained in the matter.
This is what my mom is telling me. She was married young, then divorced with young kids, then remarried and is now living on her own and she insists that she’s living her real life now. Sometimes I’m excited for it (wearing anything I want to bed! THREE glasses of wine if I want to, because I don’t have to be sharp in case of an argument!
A housemate would be a great idea.
Not petty at all. You can’t be much good for anyone if you’re not taking care of yourself, and your self confidence needed a boost. My guess is, this was money well spent.
\o/
Bingo. Try to get a friend of a friend, or someone somebody knows and is not crazy!
You’d do the same for them, if they needed it and you were in a place where you could. Consider this: if you get sane, supportive people in your life, you WILL be in a place where you could help them if they needed it. Just another reason to fight the addiction, and to watch for the signs and not slip into the same mistake again.
Good luck and stay strong!
Nikki - Let me tell you a bit about my paternal grandparents. They were married for over 50 years. Sounds idyllic, right? No. My grandfather was a cheating, overbearing SOB who drove his children away. After he died, my grandmother blossomed, traveled, and had a life of her own for the first time.
Don’t let 50 years pass you by before you give yourself the chance to live just because that first step is hard. Take the step - dive off the board into the deep end and learn to love swimming.
StG
I just want to add that what you were feeling is perfectly normal, you are grieving for the end of a relationship. It was bad, and it’s over, but it was still part of your life and has come to an end. When I divorced, I did something very similar and over time I recognized that feeling for what it was. Now, I can look back, see the trail has led me, be grateful for the lessons it taught me and that I am stronger emotionally for it.
Kudos for being strong enough to follow through and best of luck.
Quit picking the scab. 
First, I can’t imagine that going to sessions with the ex-boyfriend would be anything other than frustrating!! I can imagine that he asked you what you were going to talk about in an effort to “edit” you a little bit (“Don’t tell them that!”) or at the least, he knew what you were going to say, and had some extra time to write his “script.”
I understand not having the money for therapy, but if you could find some time, maybe you could volunteer at a shelter for abused women? That way, you would be achieving part of your desire to help other women who have been through abuse, AND, who knows? You might get a little free therapy there.
I’m glad that you are rereading this thread regularly, I think it’s a great idea. Your posts will remind you of why you left… and why you don’t want to go back. The advice and warm wishes will help you stay strong. (Stay strong, Nikki!! :))
I strongly agree with this. Maybe your brother would go get it for you? After I moved out of my own situation, I got a knock on the door, and it was my ex. I didn’t want to even open the door, but he wheedled and cajoled, and I relented. It was bad. Now that you’re gone, he has nothing to lose. If it doesn’t wind up with him begging you to come back, there’s always the possibility of another tirade. Or worse. 
I once heard a comparison that getting out of an abusive relationship is like getting an abscessed tooth pulled. For a long time the tooth is bothersome, then painful, then really, really painful, then excruciating. Finally, the tooth is pulled - with great fear and worry and pain - and, although the tooth is gone, your tongue will continue to find that empty hole, your tongue misses that tooth, that tooth that was causing you so much pain, that tooth that you know you are healthier without, that tooth that was potentially infecting you! Do you want that rotten tooth back, does your tongue want that infection back? NO - but it is understandable and okay that your tongue seeks that empty place each day, missing that painful tooth. And every day, your tongue will linger there less and less… and before you know it, that gum is healed and that place no longer feels empty. That empty space will feel healthy and give you relief. You are so brave and so strong and should be so proud of yourself!
I really think counseling would be a good idea, as well. Many therapists offer services on a sliding scale. You have a broken heart and it sounds like a bruised spirit which may have contributed to believing the abuse you suffered was normal. You deserve to heal and grow past this. I agree that good counseling is likely the most efficient way to achieve this.
I know money is tight and you have a lot of problem solving you have to do right now. When you have stability please consider making therapy a priority. If you had a broken leg or a damaged kidney you wouldn’t think twice about seeing a doctor and figuring out how to pay for it. Your mental health is just as vital.
But, hey, no pressure.