Well, he left me


After years of the bullshit, pleading and crying and begging, I have had enough and won’t do it any more. The offense that caused him to rush out the door, hurling insults and promising “a battle”? I was a half an hour late coming home from my job. A job that, by the way, I have neglected and sidelined in favor of this relationship. A job that is important to me but nonetheless got shoved on the back burner because it took away from “our time”. A job that has me working in front of an enormous window and is therefore easily verifiable that I am at.

Where he thinks I was, I don’t know, because he won’t tell me. As with these types of arguments in the past, he refuses to tell me what the problem is because if he has to “drag it out of me” then there has to be “more than (I) even know about”. Usually this results in me accounting for every minute of my day, complete with any proof I can hand over, and crying hysterically while trying to get him to TELL ME what he thinks is going on. No more. I won’t do it. I haven’t done anything wrong and I won’t be bullied into acting as if I have.

I’m trying not to think about how much I’m going to miss his son, who I have loved with every bit of my being. That hurts too much to poke at right now.

What happens from here, I don’t know, and I’m scared. We live together (although a call to the landlord tonight makes me hopeful that I can get him off the lease) and even if he were willing part amicably, we would have to share the house until one of us can move. It makes FAR more practical sense for him to move, as I have 3 dogs and renting with animals is ridiculously difficult, at least in my income bracket. Of course he won’t do things the easy way, and is vowing to have me thrown out with a “court manner” (as is frequently the case he has no idea what he’s talking about).

He also warned me to deactivate my Facebook account, as he will be airing my dirty laundry to the public ASAP. Ha. That threat would have meant something 2 years ago when I had any friends, but those got sacrificed to the relationship as well. I could go the nasty route and put his business out into the world too, but I would really rather things didn’t go there. I would also be more scared of this threat if he had anything to actually put out there. Since I haven’t cheated, he doesn’t have evidence of such. Can’t fabricate proof. Or maybe he can, and whatever.

What I’m totally freaked out about is what he will do when things don’t go down as he expects them to, i.e. me getting hysterical and begging him to come back. I have to leave to go to work, and while he is at work for part of that same time, he’s alone in the house for about 2 hours every night. I wouldn’t put it past him to leave the gate open so the dogs could wander out, and that would destroy me. These 3 are my heart, I don’t know what I would do if something happened to them. I can stay home with them tomorrow at least, but I have to go to work all day Saturday and he will be home. So I guess what this TLDR post is (beyond a bit of venting as I sit in my empty house) is asking for advice about that specifically. What should I do? I don’t even want to raise the question of “please don’t hurt the dogs” in case that plants the thought in his head. I don’t have any where to park them for the time being (remember the “no friends” bit?) and I can’t be home every minute to watch things. Any ideas? I’m stuck and having a freakout here.

maybe one of your old friends will be pleased to hear form you after such a long absence…

All I can tell you is that after a short painful period your life will start getting a lot better and you’ll think what you’re going through now was worth it. I’ve seen it play out that way every time. Guy’s an asshole, no way your life won’t be better after this.

Find an animal boarder - ask your vet if you don’t know any. Get the dogs out until you figure out how to get out yourself. Don’t give the vet/boarder your home number (if you still have one), give your cell only. Hide or take elsewhere anything important to you. Computer, cell, any valuables, anything of sentimental value.

You realize, of course, that his demanding you account for every minute, his insisting you sacrifice your friendships - that’s abuse. He was isolating you carefully, to make you dependent on him.

And yeah, it’s quite possible your friends may be thrilled you’re free of him, or soon to be.

I’m sure there is a person or two I could ring up, and I will after things have settled a little but whatever he’s planning to spread around about me might poison that well. More immediately, I don’t know anyone close enough/without dogs of their own that would let me either crash with them and bring the dogs along or that would be able to house my guys until he’s out and I can get the locks changed. I’m so scared that he’s going to do something to them. I’m a little scared that he might do something to me, but at least I can fight back. They’re helpless.

We’ve been over this ground so many times (you’re up to something/no I’m not/I’m leaving) that I’ve started coping with the idea of things truly being over before tonight. It’s going to SUCK and hurt a lot when it sets in, and I have no doubt I’m going to have a lot of nights up late crying to my mom. He has the capacity to be so sweet and loving, but it’s all based on me acting like he wants me to act and is therefore not genuine. He’s manipulative as hell, which of course means he’s ridiculously charming and I’m going to miss the parts of him I love. Including the sex, not gonna lie.

NOT going to miss the house getting smashed apart during arguments, the constant suspicion, him checking my phone, the switch being flipped without notice. The broken promises, the insane rages and hurtful words. I’m actually looking forward to living alone (oh god how am I going to afford it…) and having the freedom of coming home to my dogs instead of a time bomb.

You can stay in the apartment and be scared of him. You can GTFO and not spend your time being scared of him. If it’s at all possible, I’d suggest finding a new place to live ASAP. Document his behavior and his threats against you, including blackmail threats like airing your secrets on Facebook. Check with local women’s shelters–do they offer services for people in your situation?

But holy shit, this guy is a fucking mess from your description. I STRONGLY suspect that your friends will be thrilled that it’s over with him, and that his nasty threats about poisoning the well with them won’t be as effective as he wants. If they know him and know what a creep he is, there’s not going to be much he can say to them that’ll matter.

Good luck!

I hate, HATE having to look that in the face but yeah, it’s abuse. I’m not without fault here. I’ve gotten drunk and screamed and slammed doors, too. I’ve made demands and been unreasonable myself.

If I’m honest, and look at my situation from the outside, I know it’s only going to escalate. How long before kicking a door apart isn’t enough and he kicks me instead? There have already been shoves and grabbing my wrists (full disclosure, I’ve grabbed him, too, in an attempt to stop him from leaving. Not right.), knocking me down. Twice this month he grabbed the hood of the zip up I was wearing and tore it off my head. Tonight as we were fighting he threw his arm around my neck and said “you wanna see proof? Let’s go sit in front of the computer” and started to steer me towards the bedroom. I shook his arm off and told him not to touch me and he said “oh yeah?”. I told him I would call the police if he did it again and he stormed into the other room.

If this were my sister telling me this, I would tell her to RUN. I don’t know why I can’t.

It sounds like your dogs are extremly important to you and preventing you from making important life decisions. If you can’t afford them it will only be a matter of time before you loose them anyway. I would start looking for homes. Maybe you could get them back when things settled down. You need to look out for you right now. I am a dog lover also and went through something similar about 20 years ago, I tried to hang on to my dogs too long and they ended up in a shelter.

The threats (tonight anyways) have been verbal, so other than repeating them to my mother, I can’t document them. I’m not opposed to moving myself, it’s the dogs that create a hurdle. I’m going to look up women’s shelters in the area right now and see if they have any ideas about what to do with pets in this situation.

Ferret Herder’s suggestion to board them is a good one, I could afford to do that for a little while I think. One of my females doesn’t get along with other dogs though, that’s an issue. Actually if not for her I could probably take the other two with me to my mom’s but she has a dog of her own.

I know this probably seems like small potatoes in the face of everything else, but I can’t do that. I simply can’t. They are my family. I have an extremely tight bond with each of them that I realize might seem unreasonable to a lot of people but I can’t rehome them. I can house them temporarily with plans to get them back but I can’t let go of them forever.

Board them for the day at doggie a doggie day care? Spend tomorrow finding one.

didnt you used to work at a no kill shelter?

How did you do it? How and why did you put up with this level of High Drama this long???

Because that’s how this works. If the stuff he was doing wasn’t perfectly calibrated to put you in this kind of terrified stasis, you would have already run. You can, though. Try to take a breath and give yourself a little bit of a break, if you can. God knows it doesn’t sound like anybody else has been. One thing after another and it’ll get a little bit better with each one. Once you’re on the outside looking in - and it sounds like you’re there - it gets sorted out. You don’t have to do it all at once.

I think I will do exactly this. I can be home tomorrow evening when he is and find a doggie day care to take them Saturday. Thank you for the suggestion :slight_smile:

I’ve volunteered at more than one, actually. One of them no longer exists, and one is no longer no-kill. I don’t think a shelter would work for my situation though, unless I was willing to relinquish them entirely.

Could be someone at the shelter has their home set up for fostering and isn’t fostering at the moment. Or they could hook you up with someone who fosters.

I got sucked in. Our relationship had high stakes from the start (we left our partners for each other after a ridiculous high octane affair) and I just… I don’t know. Every time this happens he comes back and I feel a sense of relief and convince myself that this time things will be different because he promises it will be. I suppose the simple and ugly answer is that he made me feel important and worthwhile and I needed that a lot. My life certainly wasn’t shit before him, but I harbored a deep sense of insecurity and he came along and made me feel like I was his world.

The gross reality is that people like him are really really attractive. I don’t mean physically, although I think he is, I mean they draw people to them. It’s hard to get out of that orbit, especially when I look at things and go “I bombed everything for him.” No friends, job made unstable through my neglect, family with raised eyebrows. There’s not a lot left outside of him and that’s really hard to look at and leap to.

Thank you for this. I know it’s cheesy but being able to hear voices from the outside world is really valuable to me right now. I need to know that there are people living good lives that don’t involve walking on eggshells and waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time. That seems like a “no duh” thing to wrap my head around, but it’s where I’m at. I don’t know, and I guess it doesn’t matter, if he’s doing these things intentionally to keep me under his thumb or if he’s unhappy and messed up himself and is just acting this way without calculating. I’m sad for him, in a lot of ways. I know he feels stuck and ground down and tired and I wanted to help him but I can’t do it by being his emotional punching bag.

That’s a really good suggestion. I have contacts in the rescue field I can tap to see if anyone can take any of my pups for a short time.

NTT, you are going to need help. Speak up and ask for it. For your dogs and for you.

First, do as Ferret Herder suggests: find care for your dogs and get your valuables out of the house. Do not give the dog care agency your home address and have them send bills to your work or to your sister.

Second, be brave and make a phone call to the YWCA or to an agency that can help you. They can help you find a place to live, break your lease, and much of the other stuff you need. You may need counseling to help you get out of this relationship cleanly and you want to prevent yourself from getting in another one that is like it. (From everything you’ve said, this guy is a classic abuser.)

Third, contact those lost friends. What have you got to lose there? If they don’t respond, so be it. If they do, you not only want them back, but you’ll find they want you back too.

Out with the bad air, in with the good. Best of luck and determination to you. You can do this.

I’m not a psychiatrist, and if I were I still wouldn’t be an internet-speculative psychiatrist, but I don’t think I believe that kind of purposeful evil is common. It must be more of a down-and-dirty organic process that ends up there. I think it’s more likely that the first time something made him feel like he didn’t have control, he responded to it, and he learned what worked to make it go away, and then that intensified over time and he got more and more protective of whatever control he’d managed to establish. If what that means is that you need to be a little bit afraid of making it worse or too sad to fight or too worn down to do anything that isn’t about him, so you just capitulate, then he starts feeling like he needs to be right in that place all the time. So the more inured you get to threats and bluster, the more intense they need to be to keep him there.

I guess maybe it is important, since it’s how things get worse if something doesn’t change, presumably. Happily enough, though, you’re on top of that, hey?