I would seriously consider calling the police the next time he touchs you and doesn’t stop. Hopefully one visit from them will calm his shit. This is what they are there for and they will also have more information for you.
Get in touch with friends you used to be close with. Hearing The Dope is nice but probably as nice as someone next to you.
I want to post this quick, and then I will write a longer reply. I have been in this type of relationship, and I feel there are two things you need to start thinking about right now. It seems like such a simple thing, once you see it written, but sometimes it’s hard to make the mind realize it.
1.) It is better to be alone than miserable.
2.) If you have to lie to people to make him look like “a nice guy,” then he’s not a nice guy.
I stopped for cigarettes. The gas station was out, I went to another store, they were out, I went to yet another store and was able to buy my brand. It added 30 minutes and 1.5 miles to the time/mileage I was expected to return home with. This “nice guy” that started my car every morning…was checking my mileage. I only learned this because, the one time I went anywhere out of the ordinary, he knew. The argument ensued. Supposedly, I was having an affair with someone that lived within 1.5 miles of my job, AND, the “affair” took less than 30 minutes to reach…“culmination.” Give or take drive time. (Really?! Why bother?) Just curious, but is your job the one that is the major contributor to the rent?
Yep, I begged him to go to the gas stations and ask them if they had seen me, had my cigarettes, etc. BULLSHIT!! If he cannot believe where you were… no, really… if you have to account for where you were… why bother?! He doesn’t trust you, so maybe he just needs to date someone he likes, and leave you alone!! “If you think I am a whore, then obviously you want someone else, let’s drop this, and I will find someone that likes me.”
I’ve also heard this phrased as “It’s better to be alone than to wish you were.”
And of course, about that job - start doing everything you can to be excellent at it. Really put in the effort. Not just because you need the money, but also because you need to do this for you.
I think this is absolutely it. I don’t think he’s plotting or mapping things out, I think he’s just reacting out of fear and anger, getting results, and continuing on with his behavior.
I will, on both counts. I don’t feel comfortable leaving the house any more than I have to because of the dogs, but I want to call some friends and at least be in touch with someone other than my family. Once things have calmed down, I can go hang out with them. And I wasn’t bluffing last night when I said I would call the cops if he touched me again or started smashing the house up. When he left, I told him not to come back drunk and belligerent or I would call the cops. He’s still not home, so presumably he took me seriously. I’m not sure how afraid of them he actually is (he has friends in the police department) but I think the threat of people knowing I had to get the cops involved is a deterrent. He can’t play the victim if I do that.
Not really. I pay the rent (and thank God, that’s giving me an in with the landlord that he doesn’t have) and he pays the bills (cell phones, gas and electric) and gives me the difference to put towards rent. I never see any of those bills and wouldn’t dream of questioning the amount but that’s the arrangement. I have no idea how I’m going to pay all of that on my own, but I think with strict budgeting, selling my car, quitting smoking, and working more, I can.
God. I have been right here. He doesn’t check my mileage (I don’t think, he does have a key to my car), but he does scour the phone bill. We got into a massive fight a month or so ago because he saw my ex-husband’s number on it and was incensed that I didn’t tell him BEFORE I sent ex a text. Which was about the credit card my ex is still paying off that is in my name. I’ve also been met with a stony face when coming home from the store because “that took an awful long time”. He doesn’t want to hear about long lines or traffic. Because I am… what? Meeting someone in the chip aisle at the party store to have a 5 minute make out session? Insane. Those fights would end much the same way yours did, Why Child. I would produce a receipt with a time stamp or some other bit of “evidence”. Often he would text me within minutes of me leaving to go to the store anyhow, so if I WERE having a series of 5 minute affairs, we were in contact throughout them. Ashamed to say I sent him pictures of long lines or something stupid in the grocery store if I hit traffic on the way or whatever in an attempt to ward off a fight. I would get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach and sweaty hands when driving home if I got stuck behind the train because I knew the delay would create questions.
Meanwhile his own questionable behavior goes on unchecked. If I expressed discomfort with one of his friends it either turned into a blowup or got saved for the next fight so he could throw it in my face. He works next door to one of those “sexy hair cut” places and is chummy with a few of the girls. They come over to smoke and hang out at his work frequently. One of them texts him a lot and when I said “I know I’m being an insecure baby but it makes me feel weird when you guys are texting all night” I got read the riot act about he doesn’t have any friends any more because of me (untrue, the only people we hang out with are his friends). And he continues to chat with her and go to her for haircuts. I can’t even imagine what would go down if I had a friendship with a cute boy who also put his hands on me on a regular basis.
I would tell him regularly, “go out with your friends! Go have a beer with so and so!” knowing that I would be sitting home while he did that, probably doing something provable like watching Netflix or posting pictures of the dogs to FB so he knew I was home. He would always say “I want to be HERE” but then when we argue it’s always “I don’t do anything important to me any more, I don’t get a minute to think, I have no friends because of you”. I’m also responsible, according to him, for the fact that he didn’t finish his degree, the job that he hates, and his sadness over not seeing his son enough. Of course I have encouraged him to go back to school, quit his job (“I’ll support us until you find a new one!”) and rearranged my work schedule to so that I can pick his son up Thursday afternoons and stay home with him all Friday so that he’s here when Boyfriend comes home from work.
Anyways. Ramble ramble. So cathartic to type this nonsense out and see how crazy it truly is.
You know, stress about bills aside, I’m actually looking forward to being alone for awhile. I met my ex-husband when I was 17, moved out of my parent’s house and in with him a few months later and jumped right from that relationship into this one. I’ve never been alone, never lived by myself. The small stuff, like the house being in the shape it was in when I left, the freedom to go to bed at 8:00 if I want to, taking as long as I want in the shower (because if I take too long I must be avoiding him or on my phone in there), wear what I want… I’m looking forward to that a lot. A month ago we got into an argument because I came to bed in sweatpants and a hoodie. Last night I slept in my favorite hoodie and leg warmers and it was marvelous.
One hundred percent. My job isn’t fancy and doesn’t pay a ton but it is my passion and I want to get back to it. My boss is wonderful and I have been repaying her kindness and understanding with a lackluster effort. That’s lousy as hell. That’s not me.
It sounds like you’ve “grown up” quite a bit. Before you get into a new relationship I hope you work on yourself too.
I have noticed that it is usually the third time when a person finally gets it right.
Came here to post just that. Work on the self-esteem or the situation will keep repeating itself, repeating itself, repeating itself.
Making excuses like “I cant … the dogs” will just keep holding you right where you are. Find a way and get out.
Another resource: National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) at 1-800-799-SAFE
If Dear Abby is to be believed, they have lots of experience helping people in your situation. Good luck to you!
Yes, you can. You keep a calendar or a diary and make notes of what happen at the time it happens.
Also, look into the privacy laws of your state to find out whether you can secretly audio or videotape some of your exchanges. The technology to do this has become very cheap.
You can. You’ve already taken the first step in admitting that there is a severe issue. Continue taking the steps. Once you get a lot of gone between you and him, you will be a LOT happier.
Please obtain a copy of “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by
Patricia Evans. Check out her stuff on the web, too.
Also, men who exhibit this type of behavior are often diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Look that up on the web for perhaps some tips on how not to escalate the situation.
Y’all have been stuck in a vicious circle and I have been there. Get your landlord’s okay and change the locks if you can. Board the dogs. If he touches you, call the cops and get a restraining order. If you continue to play his sick games, things will only get worse.
Although I am in no way eager to jump into another relationship, I certainly intend to get my shit straight. I don’t have a solid understanding of who I am anymore (if I ever did) and that has to happen for me, single or partnered.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how I got here, and crappy self-esteem is a major factor. I seek validation from people because I don’t give it to myself. What I’m coming to grips with is that while I might have a lot of flaws, I’m also not a monster and don’t deserve to be treated like garbage. I’ve done things that I will be forever sorry for, but I have to be allowed to move on from them or the next 50 years aren’t worth living.
Thank you for this. My search for women’s shelters that allow pets didn’t turn up anything close, I will call this number and see if they have any suggestions for me.
Excellent suggestion, Boyo, thank you. I thought about keeping a diary in the past but… well, he’d find it. I’m going to collect my car key from him ASAP and keep that journal in my car so he doesn’t have access to it.
I’ll take a look at that book, thank you. I actually have a few books on being in a relationship with a Borderline in my Amazon cart already, reading about them previously led me to believe he might be one. Inventing things out of thin air (“I have PROOF!” when none exists) is not something a healthy person does.
I’m certain the landlord will be fine with me changing the locks if I stay here, and I plan to once he is taken off the lease and has no legal right to be in here.
He sent me a text last night that I didn’t respond to, knowing he was trying to hook me into another fight. I won’t play anymore, it never fixes things and I’m sick of being ground down. Funny that the man who can make me believe I am special and worthwhile is also the person who treats me like total dog shit the moment he gets angry. He plays my emotions from one extreme to the other.
I don’t have advice any more sage that what has already been given. Just…get out, and don’t let any entreaties to not do so sway you.
So I’ll just add two things, one from personal experience.
Over 30 years ago, I was about a half hour later than expected getting home from somewhere. This wasn’t even a nighttime thing…it was early afternoon. I had run into a relative I hadn’t seen in a while at a public event, and we talked for a time.
When I got home, my then-wife went ballistic. I have no idea why; we didn’t have plans to go somewhere that I messed up, there were no accusations of a clandestine assignation or any thing like that — I was just…late. An explanation of why cut no ice at all. She went totally off the rails, shouting and screaming, and didn’t speak to me until the next the day.
Of course, countless other scenes informed by a similar utter irrationality were to follow. Needless to say, the marriage ended long ago. The point being…there ought to be some minimum standard of rational thinking and behavior behind any relationship. When that doesn’t exist, it’s time to go — sooner rather than later.
I recognize the seriousness of the OP’s situation. So I hope no one — most of all her — will be offended if I inject a small bit of levity here. I’m thinking I can get away with it, since the above example is a reversal of what I’m about to say.
Years ago, I heard a long-forgotten stand-up comic deliver one of the greatest bits I’ve ever heard, and I’ve never forgotten it. It went something like this:
"You know, men and women use language differently. If you ask a guy how he’s doing and he says ‘Fine’ — you figure, OK, everything’s cool with him.
But if you ask a woman how she’s doing and she says ‘Fine’ — what she actually means is ‘I’m really pissed off, and you have to GUESS why.’"
Therapy for yourself would be helpful, too. When we give someone the power to make us happy, we also give them the power to make us unhappy. Don’t give anyone that power. You must find it within yourself.
With regards to changing the locks, better get some advice on that from the local women’s shelter or whoever can advise you. Even if he’s off the lease, sometimes you aren’t allowed to change the locks without, IIRC, a proper eviction procedure.
There are a lot of resources out there to help you, especially to help you with information.
In the county where I practice, there have already been 6 domestic homicides this year. I don’t mean to be overly dramatic. But you are in a dangerous situation.
Please reach out to a local women’s shelter or advocacy group in your area. Depending on the size and resources of where you live, they can sometimes even provide money, etc…, to help you get through a bill cycle or two.
Do not go back, and do not engage.
Keep your phone on you at all times and be ready to dial 911 if you feel you need to. Listen to your instincts.
Good luck, NTT. I know how tough it is to get out of a relationship like this. I have been there. But do not let the sins of your past make you think for one moment that you deserve any of this. You don’t. And you have to put a stop to it.
Good luck my dear!!!
Hi there:
I just want you to know you are not alone. I cannot offer any good advice that hasn’t been sent yet. I have self esteem issues also. The thing that really helps me is I go to a therapist twice a month. Sometimes you need to speak with someone who will listen, and give you an unobjective POV. Good Luck, and try to stay strong, you are worth it.