Well, I think we're done playing the TTC game.

I am in the midst of my sixth miscarriage in five years with no children to show for it. Medication, IUI’s and IVF doesn’t seem to fix it, as any time I do get pregnant, I lose it. Dealing with these losses has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, though I do cry less with each one.

We have two frozen embryos that we are planning on transferring in November or December though I know how that’s going to turn out.

We have started the process of obtaining our homestudy for provincial adoption already in anticipation of adopting a nine year old girl being fostered by our extended family. Her mom has one last chance at maintaining custody starting August 27th, and if it doesn’t work out, the child becomes a ward of the province. We are first in line to adopt her.

If that doesn’t work out, well, we may consider adoption of an older child or sibling group. We might look at private adoption of an infant, though that costs thousands of dollars and takes years. We do have options though. Living child-free is one of them, I suppose.

I think the hardest part of all of this is that I will not get to experience pregnancy or birth. Is that really important? I guess I thought it was back when we started this, but now I’ve realized that what is most important to me is my husband and the prospect of a family of our own, however that might look. It’s still so hard to let go, however. I feel like I’m grieving, and have been for years. It’ll get easier, I’m sure (if I could just stop crying at work today, damn it!).

If you don’t have luck with the frozen embryos, I wish you the best of luck in adopting a child. You sound like you and your husband will make great parents.

I’m sorry for your loss. It sounds like grieving is a reasonable thing to do, right now, if you need to.

I’ve been following your story, EmAnJ, and I am so sorry you’ve had to go through so much. I’m just starting down the infertility path myself (unexplained infertility, what a useless diagnosis) and it’s been hard enough through only 14 fruitless cycles - you are a tough woman for staying so sane through it all and sharing your story with us. I am sorry for your losses and your pain, and I hope that your family, whatever shape it may take in the coming years, brings you happiness.

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve experienced so many losses. Would having a surrogate carry those remaining embryos be an option?
I think I remember when you posted before about wanting to adopt that little girl and my impression at the time was that you sound like you have so much love to give to a child. I think that if you do pursue adoption, it would be a beautiful thing. Love is more important to creating a family than DNA is.


Oh sweetie, go ahead and grieve. That’s perfectly natural and justified, especially when your body is in the throes of a miscarriage and you’re dealing with all the attendant crap.

I don’t want to minimize your loss in not being able to be pregnant at all. But at the same time, I find it is a relatively small part of parenting. Hopefully soon you will have a daughter, and you’ll attend to all her needs all day long, get up with her in the middle of the night when she has a nightmare, and snuggle up with her to read a book. That’s where it’s at, and I think you’ll be brilliant at it.

Thank you for the kind words everyone. I feel pretty numb to it all, but am obviously upset. I’ve been tearing up all day (especially when my husband sent me flowers at work) and just want to sleep. But, I’ll be ok eventually, I’m sure.

I’m sorry, and at the same time excited for your new change. We didn’t have luck in our infertility treatments and adopted (a six month old infant from Korea who is now fourteen and eating me out of house and home). And childfree honestly looks enviable some days when you are looking at a dismal report card or buying a $200 baseball bat :). Grieve, and know that there is still something out there - maybe not your first choice of something, but something.

Oh man, I’m really sorry. It sounds trite and maybe it is, but I hope this is the start of a path that will lead you somewhere good. But I will also second everyone who has said that it is OK to grieve.

Your husband sounds like a pretty swell guy. Take care of yourself, OK?

I am so sorry, hon. Your losses have been awful. You are more than entitled to grieve for them.

EmAnJ, I’m really sorry. I did want to ask (with this history) if you’ve been tested for Antiphospholipid Syndrome, a somewhat common cause of pregnancy problems.

Pregnancy is like waiting in line for 9 months before you can finally get on the ride. I know some people enjoy that state, but personally, I think they’re nuts. It’s unpleasant at best.

I’m not trying to be dismissive of something you’ve obviously wanted for some time, but I just wanted to say that I think you’re absolutely right to focus on the destination (a child to love) instead of the route you take to get there.

Letting go of the plans we’ve made for ourselves is so hard sometimes; grief is to be expected. I’m sorry that you’re sad, but I really hope you get to look back at this in a few years as the point when fate was lining up the family you were meant to have.

I’m so sorry EmAnJ. And thank you for taking the time to support me, even though you were/are going through your own miscarriage - you’re a selfless person who’ll be a great mother one day.

(By that, I mean I believe you will get to be a mother, by one way or another!!)

I’m so sorry, EmandJ. I wish you the best of luck with your last two embryos, and if that doesn’t happen . . . well, there’s a little girl there you’d make a fantastic mom for.

I’m so sorry, EmandJ. Hugs.

Thanks guys, I really appreciate it.

I tested again this morning and the test is darker, unfortunately. I’m praying this resolves on it’s own and I don’t need a D&C. Ugh.

I want to say yes, but I’m not 100% sure. They ran a full repeat pregnancy loss panel on me and I think that was a part of it. I’ll double check though, thanks for the link!

Ugh, this is quite crappy news - I’m very sorry that you’re going through this. By all means, you should grieve - that is normal and appropriate given the circumstances. Please remember though, what you’re grieving is the loss a chance to give birth, not the loss of the chance to be a mother. There are many, many routes to get to motherhood, and while the door has closed on one of the routes, the others remain open if you choose to follow them.

Also, and I don’t mean to be flip or insensitive, but pregnancy isn’t necessary all that great. I’ve been there, I hated every flippin’ moment of it. The only positive part of the whole thing was getting to have Junior at the end, and if there had been any other way to achieve that, I would have opted for it.

So remember, when you’re grieving about what you lost (i.e. the chance to be pregnant and give birth) don’t romanticize it too much - yes, some people love that shit and think it’s the best state, EVAR, but LOTS of people have a miserable time, feel like shit throughout, and wind up getting their guts hacked open at the end of the whole thing. My point is not that you shouldn’t feel bad about how things turned out, just that the outcome is not necessarily all bad.

There’s a lovely sweet child out there waiting to meet you either as an aunty, a Big Sister, or a mummy. When you meet them, I think how you got there is going to become much less important than it feels right now.

From what I’ve heard, you absolutely need to go through a grieving process before you can move on. But know that being a parent is not defined by giving birth. I’m so glad to hear that you’re willing to adopt an older child and I’m sure you will make great parents. Best of luck.