Well, of all the selfish, ungrateful, unreasonable...!!! LONG

K., you got married recently, and I am horrified by your attitude.

You’ve been living with the guy you married for over six years. You have a daughter to him. Yet you seem to think his parents are responsible for putting wads of money into your wedding?

First, you call me to complain about the photos they took. In place of a professional photographer, you got your mother-in-law and sister-in-law to do it all for you. You complain that your MIL seemed more interested in photographing her family than yours. Considering what your mother is like, I’m not surprised. She tried to get good coverage of the wedding, but she also took some family shots for herself - you begrudge her this? She bought 11 rolls of film, and used them all at your wedding, so I don’t think you would notice the loss of even one whole roll on her boys. You didn’t pay for it, and I don’t think you missed out on anything just because your MIL decided to take some shots that weren’t for you. Meanwhile, your sister-in-law has brought 7 rolls of film along, and shot them all for you to. I guess we’re talking 24 shot film (could be 36), so you potentially have 432 photographs of you, your husband and your single bridesmaid and best man. But you have a problem with your MIL taking less than 24 shots of her husband with his sons. You think she should have taken similar pictures of your mother and your sisters - why? She’s not related to them. Just because she’s covering your wedding doesn’t mean all the photos are for you.

When you called to tell me your MIL was not going to pay for the film your SIL shot, I couldn’t work out what your problem was. MIL and SIL acted seperately. Both have good cameras, both fancy themselves as hobby photographers. But they aren’t a team, and were taking photos independantly of each other. Apparently, MIL said “I’ll have all the photos developed for you” before the wedding. You took this to mean that she would pay for ALL photos to be developed, including those shot by your SIL. WTF? Why would she offer to develop everyone else’s shots? Ok, I agree that it was wrong for your SIL to say “Here’s 7 rolls of film I shot. Let me know when you get them developed cause I want to see them”, but only because she should have asked you how many rolls you wanted before shooting them. I don’t see why you think your MIL should be responsible for paying that money out. Luckily your SIL agrees to pay for them for you instead, but you are so angry and indignant about this that I’m not happy with your attitude. It seems to me that you’re willfully misunderstanding what the MIL said. Tell me, do you expect her to pay for the development costs of your Great Aunt Maud? She said she would pay for wedding photos to be developed. No? Well, why do you expect her to pay for shots taken by your SIL?

You had the gall to get angry at your MIL over your daughter’s baptism two days after the wedding. You tell me she didn’t offer to come up and help set up like everyone else. YOUR mother did everything. YOUR mother was such a help. HIS mother didn’t do anything. Why is she obligated to help you? This whole thing is your doing, so set it up on your own. If people come to help, be grateful to them. You have no right to expect people to come and do things for you, because they don’t have to. You had a second complaint against your MIL over the baptism - she sat through the service looking bored and like she didn’t want to be there. Well, for one thing, the service went for an hour and a half. I’d be bored too. For another thing, your MIL isn’t a church-goer, and doesn’t follow your faith. You have a cheek expecting people who don’t share your religious convictions to attend and act like they’re overjoyed to be there. I guess I’m lucky you couldn’t see my face during the more religious portions of your wedding ceremony - I was looking bored and fidgety too.

Then you get the wedding photos. Your MIL goes through all the shots she’s taken, and sorts out the best of them and places them all in an album she’s purchased for you. She presents the whole lot to you with pride, and you flip through it and say “Thanks. They’re nice”. Do you not understand that photography is an art, and that she wanted you to praise her for the good job she did? Apparently not, after all, she only took pictures, it’s not like she painted them. She tells her other daughter-in-law that’s she’s disappointed by your lack of enthusiasm for her work… and you hear about it and get angry! How DARE she expect you to put on a show of being pleased with her photos, you said they were nice, what more does she want? You say to me that your parents put over $1000 into your wedding, while she and her husband put only $200 in, so you don’t feel obligated to act like you’re happy with her.

What are you on? Selfish pills? Why should they pay for your wedding? You’ve been living together 6 years, you have a baby together, you own your home and you’re buying a second one - you’re not a couple just starting out and you’re certainly not a traditional couple. Why do you get to be untraditional and have a baby before marriage, yet expect your parents to do the traditional thing and pay for the marriage? Why does the fact that your in-laws earn more than your parents make it into your argument for why they should have spent more? If your father-in-law was a worthless drunk who couldn’t hold down a job, like your father, would you think it was ok for him to put in less? I think $1000 just barely covers your father for the priviledge of chasing the bridesmaid around and trying to tongue kiss her all day (it’s a step up - a few years ago he used to just pinch her on the ass and say “I wish you were my daughter” :::shudder:::).

Now, this whole wedding has been pissing me off for weeks. You show up here one evening and ask me to burn your wedding CD for you, and I do it despite the fact that my SO and I were repainting our bedroom when you arrived and the house is in chaos. The whole time that CD is burning, you’re hinting to me that you want me to look after the baby for you because you’re about to go out for dinner. Um, no, in case you hadn’t noticed, we’re painting and we’d like to finish before the weekend is out. Once we stop painting, we’ve got a house to clean and our own dinner to organise.

You set your wedding for a Friday at 2pm, and then tell me that you expect my SO to be there. I mentioned the small fact that, oh, he works full time, and you tell me that you don’t think it’s too much to ask your guests to take a half-day off work to attend. Yeah, ok. Some people may do that, but you can’t just expect that will be ok for everyone to do. You have no right to get angry at the people who didn’t show because they had to work (and yet you are mad at them!). You invite us to attend your baby’s baptism, and let us know you will be offended if we don’t attend, despite the fact that we don’t follow your religion. You ask me a favour every single time you speak to me, and it’s really getting on my nerves. If we’re friends, hold back. Come and see me once in a while and don’t ask for something.

In short, I’ve been driven to ranting about you on a public forum, because you just don’t get what you’re doing wrong. You seem to have this attitude that the world owes you something - get over that, ok. It doesn’t. Your parents gave you their time and money for your wedding, but that doesn’t make your in-laws obligated to do the same. Besides, your wedding was all set to cost you less than $500 until your mother invited 40 people who weren’t on the original guest list of 20. If she provided food for HER guests and money to cover the extra you had to spend because of her, I don’t think she’s done you any favours. And if she has raised you to expect people to give, give, give all the time while you take, take, take, well I know for sure she hasn’t done you any favours.

Just a thought…

This would make a great story for Etiquette Hell. There you may find others who are, amazingly, more selfish than your friend. My condolences to her MIL. And to you; you must be a very patient person!

Oh cazzle too awful for words. People do behave very strangely around weddings, don’t they? And it seems particularly wrong when they’ve been shackin’ up for years beforehand. Did you get slugged for kitchen teas [North Americans read “showers”] and bridal registers and things?

I promise you a nice shoulder massage when we have our dennisonDopefest in November. You are coming aren’t ya?


I’ve been browsing Ettiquette Hell, and was debating sending it there or submitting it here. I went with here because I just wanted to rant and get it off my chest :slight_smile:
I’m finding it so hard to make sympathetic noises when she complains about her in-laws (who she LOVED until the day of her wedding), but she honestly can’t see that she has no right to complain about all the stuff they didn’t give her - conveniently forgetting everything they’ve done for her in the eight years she’s been dating their son, right down to making her wedding cake. Tsk, tsk!

I’m not a saint, and I’m not a patient person! I’ve given her some leeway, but I’m reaching the end of my rope fast. Pregnancy, childbirth, motherhood and marriage have made this a big and emotional year for her so I’ve given her extra consideration, but she’s crossed the line from emotional to selfish and I’m fresh out of patience with her.

The what? Where? Why wasn’t I informed??

Please provide details!

It’s funny how a wedding can really bring out the worst in people.

I blame the wedding industry, myself. They really heap it one that your “special day” should be perfect in every way to the point where a bride will stress over the colour of the little swans that the candies come in for the guests.


And the funny thing is, people DO seem to change after the wedding. Now they’re no longer BF&GF, there are things that SHOULD be happening or come about instantly because they’re husband and wife now!


Expectations and attitudes change pretty drastically, and, no doubt, the husband is probably wondering what the hell happened to the girl he was with for a number of years before the ring introduced itself?

Peoples’ pre-conceived notions of marriage have gotten a little out of hand. Marriage is a path, not a destination. grrr…

I’m degreading into my own rant now… sorry. Cold shower time.