I’ll revise again and say sustainability is easier and more effectively achieved by making the activity seem beneficial (a carrot) than by making the lack of activity bad (the stick). The stick can work short term, and may even be the best option in a crisis situation, but the carrot has more staying power.
Now beneficial doesn’t have to mean enjoyment. For many people other benefits may be more appealing, such as health or vanity.
But I think enjoyment is usually a good choice because the benefits are immediate, which appeals to sedentary people who often desire direct gratification over delayed rewards.
Krinalou, I think your example would be more helpful if you explained the psychology behind it rather than just using it as a counter anecdote. Did you start exercising because you were scared, or because you hadn’t realized before that your health was in jeopardy? Did you stick with it because you were still scared, because you now knew the consequences, or because you discovered you enjoyed it? Did the type of exercise change or evolve? Did the experience or your feelings change or evolve?
Honestly I know you have good intentions but as a stubborn and contrary kind of human being the only impact your conversation would have on me would be for me to find a comfortable corner of the couch and a tub of ice cream.
Don’t talk, show. I know it’s harder since you’re in a different city but if you’re together over Christmas do some things together. And I don’t mean go to a gym and work out, I mean walk to the store, have a snowball fight, make snowmen, play badmington, dance in the living room. Don’t make it about him and what he needs to do, just try and show him there are enjoyable ways to get moving.
Bring a Wii Fit and challenge him to some games. Take the whole family skiing or ice skating or sledding. Get everyone involved.
Or. Butt out and mind your own health/business. Apparently, I am the only one in this thread who is appalled and horrified at your desire to control your brother’s choices.
No not really I was just a little more subtle about it, but I really thought the couch and ice cream would make it apparent what a horrible idea it is to tell someone they need to exercise.
relevant question- does he want to do this or even care? if not, you’re likely to do little more than piss him off. many people find high-minded, unsolicited advice to be offensive.
Just let him be, and when a doctor tells him he’s going to die, then he’ll have “not dying goals.” Or if he finds it hard to get a date, he’ll have “banging chicks goals.”
If he had fitness goals, he wouldn’t be in the spot he’s in now.
Sorry if I came off as a smartass snarker, jackdavinci, I really only mentioned you because your post was immediately before mine. So to make up for it, I’ll elaborate.
My father and both my older siblings had Type II diabetes, and I have no desire to deal with that every day for the rest of my life. When my doctor told me the blood tests were moving from “let’s keep an eye on that” into “borderline” I decided tht diet and some moderate exercise was a better alternative. So I make sure I walk the dog at least two miles a day. I don’t consider it terribly unpleasant (unless there’s an ice storm or something), but there are other things I’d rather do with my time, so I justify the walks as part of my duty as a responsible pet owner to make sure the dog gets a good workout, and I happen to go with him.
So let’s say, I feel like I heard the warning and heeded it and knowing the alternative is diabetes or heart trouble, I intend to continue heeding it.
I doubt if he has exercise related fitness goals such as being able to run a 10k. However, I’m sure he would like to be more mobile. As it is, he gets out of breath shopping in the store. He makes excuses for not doing active stuff (hiking, walking, etc) when I’m there. I get the sense he would like to do the activity if he had the ability.
The problem with his situation is that he’s in a downward spiral. The less activity he does, the less activity he is able to do, and the harder it is to turn things around.
I’m surprised at all the negative reaction to my question. His dad died of an heart attack when he was just a couple years older than my brother (different dads. we’re step-brothers). He already has several serious health issues related to his body condition. My fear is that if I do nothing, he will do nothing and be dead within the decade. I suppose that is his choice, but if there’s anything I can do I would like to try.
What I’m thinking of doing now is just letting him know how much I love him and how much he means to me and that if he decides to get into better shape, let me know and I’ll support him however I can.
I like what you’re thinking of doing now. Not controlling or judgmental in any way.
And I saw in the email notification what you edited out. My answer is: yes. When someone you love is engaging in self-destructive or compulsive behavior, there isn’t fuck-all you can do about it except let them know that they matter to you and if they want or need help, you’re there for them.
if my response is one you consider “negative,” lemme 'splain. No, there is too much. Lemme sum up:
I have no doubt your motive is worthy. But what I read into these things is you seem to think he doesn’t know that he’s obese and unhealthy, or doesn’t know that he needs to make changes to correct that. When you (the general “you”) start trying to think or speak on others’ behalf (“I’m sure he would like to be more mobile”) that tends to grate on me.
He knows he’s unhealthy. He knows what being unhealthy will lead to. He likely doesn’t care enough to make any changes. If anything is going to help him, it’s fixing the reason he doesn’t care. Not trying to goad him into setting fitness goals which he’ll likely just forget about the second you’re out of sight.
let me be clear in that I’m not saying you’re wrong to be concerned (or that you’re wrong at all,) just that I think you might be trying to solve the wrong problem. I guess what I’m saying is that there’s likely to be some underlying depression or other condition and if that doesn’t get fixed, anything else is moot.
I’m sorry if I gave that impression. I’m sure he knows he’s overweight and out of shape. He has tried losing weight with diet changes over the years with not much success. That’s why I wanted to approach him about exercise. There’s a difference between being a prisoner in his own body and being able to get out and have fun. He may never lose weight, but that doesn’t mean he has to be stuck on the couch.
I think many people, my brother included, would greatly benefit from having a knowledgeable person help them get into exercise. When a newbie gets into exercise, it’s up to them to try to figure out what types of activities to do, how hard, how long, and how often. If they don’t have a plan, it’s easy to not not get results and give up.
It’s like if you wanted to build a bookshelf and didn’t know how. You might wander into Home Depot and select a few tools and supplies you think you need. Then you get home and try to put it all together. It probably wouldn’t work out and maybe you’d give up. But if instead you had someone walking you through it, you could end up an accomplished woodworker.
I’m sure my brother has also tried exercise in the past, but I’m pretty sure it was just things he tried on his own. If possible, I would like to let him know that exercise will make him healthier. It’s just a matter of coming up with the right plan for him.
There’s a difference between told to lose weight by your doctor and it being suggested by a friend or family member. From a doctor I’d be receptive, but from a friend or family member if it came out of nowhere, I’d probably be embarrassed or hostile.
I agree. Someone being advised to exercise by doing X exercise Y minutes per day could be awkward or embarrassing. But being invited to go do laser tag or Zumba or something fun might get the person interested in being more active.
Has he asked for your advice? Is he actively trying to lose weight now? If yes to either question, then he might be receptive to your help. Solicited advice might be ignored, but it will probably be received well. But unsolicited advice will be ignored and may seriously bother the advice receiver.
In regards to your bookshelf example, maybe I would try to build a bookshelf and give up if it didn’t go well. I might try to put it again later. I might ask my friend Chris for help, since I know he’s put furniture together before and might have good advice and might be able to show me what to do. But if I was working on cleaning my kitchen and Chris barged into my apartment and tried telling me and showing me what to do for my bookshelf, I’d only halfway listen at best while I was still cleaning. I don’t know if that helps make it clearer, but I just wanted to say again, advice works best when it’s asked for, not when it comes out of nowhere.
No, if I wanted to build a bookshelf and I didn’t know how, I’d invoke the mighty powers of Google. I’d watch a few YouTube videos. I’d maybe call my dad and run a couple ideas or questions past him. Then I’d consult my handy-dandy copy of “Dare to Repair” for a materials list. THEN I’d wander into Home Depot, find a semi-attractive employee with a nice butt, tell him what I wanted to do, and then follow more of dad’s advice than his.
In fact that is exactly how I built a table when I didn’t like/couldn’t afford any of the tables I saw in stores.
Really. If he wanted you to walk him through learning fitness, don’t you think he’d ask for your help?
I think a lot of people don’t go into exercise with the same zeal and motivation as other things. They don’t always have the attitude “I’m going to succeed at exercise whatever it takes”. It seems a lot of people are more like, I want to be fit, I guess I’ll try exercise, I’ll try this treadmill, It’s hard, I’m bored, I don’t want to exercise anymore.
Since they just have a vague goal (be fit), there are many ways they can accomplish that. Their goal isn’t to do exercise. It is to be fit. So if exercise doesn’t work out, they give it up and search for something else which can help them be fit.
In the bookcase example, it’s like they wanted a place to put their books. They know one place is a bookshelf, so they try to make one. Once they get started they realize they don’t really know how to proceed. A few determined people will be motivated to learn what it takes to build a bookshelf, but I would guess most would look for alternative solutions. That’s because their goal was to have a place to put books, not necessarily to be a woodworker. They come up with alternate solutions such as buying a bookshelf or just stacking the books on the floor.
But in the case of health, many people don’t continue looking for solutions. They try a few things and then give up, resolving themselves to their situation. Exercise failed for them because they didn’t know how to use it properly, not because exercise didn’t work.
Do you think he had no advice previous times? It’s almost impossible to watch TV, read newspapers or magazines, read things online, or do anything in our culture without seeing a lot of advice on what to eat or not eat to lose weight, and how best to exercise. And unless he’s a hermit, there have been other people that have told him that they lost weight by doing X or Y, and that maybe he’d lose weight if he tried Y or Z.
He’s heard a ton of unsolicited advice before, some of it regarding “guaranteed weight-loss,” and it hasn’t worked for him. Why should he trust your unsolicited advice?
If he is asking for your help, you should obviously help/advise him. And even then, you should be prepared for him to maybe ignore your advice or give up. But if he isn’t asking for advice, then any you give probably won’t be well received.
At this point I’m not going to talk specifics with him. I’ll just convey that proper exercise can help him be healthier and that I’d love to help him come up with a plan that works for him.
But for the more general discussion, yes, everyone knows about exercise in a general sense such as exercise is good for health. But that doesn’t mean they know the specific details on how to use various activities to achieve various goals.
For example, you can use a treadmill to lose weight and/or gain endurance and/or gain muscle and/or reduce stress and/or reduce joint pain, etc. Depending on how often you use the treadmill, what settings you use, how hard you push, and how long your session is, you will achieve different goals. Someone who aimlessly uses a treadmill may not achieve the goals they desire and give up. Yes, if they educate themselves they can achieve their goals, but a lot of times they just give up instead.
As someone who didn’t start exercising until the diabetes diagnosis…you can’t. Especially if you don’t live near him. He’ll probably see it as nagging. He knows he’s in bad shape, he just hasn’t gotten to rock bottom yet. Much like an addict, you have to let them reach that point.
Also, for obese people, diet is much much more important than exercise. I’m going to guess the calories he is eating can’t be offset by anything other than marathon running or extreme weightlifting. I exercise now, but not for weight loss. Any weight loss I have is going to be via diet modification most likely. It takes a lot of work to burn even 150 calories!
I’ve been exercising most of my life and I’ve been at it with absolute consistency for a long time now. When I had had a few breaks, it was always my own motivation that got me back into it and, even then, I was still active in other ways. When I’ve tried to convince people, I’ve had little success unless they were already motivated. Going to the gym is going to be boring to a lot of people, hell, it’s kind of boring to me, but I think the trade-off is worth it.
So I don’t really have much helpful advice. A big part of the problem with motivation to exercise is that the motivation really doesn’t show up unless they have a major shock and realize how bad their health is or they just get a bug up their ass about how they look or feel or it impacts something they do care about. Part of the problem is, after getting into it, it acts as it’s own motivation in giving one the energy to stick to it, but starting and getting into it and working through the soreness and weariness is rough.
So, I can only really suggest doing what you can to enable him. Be willing to work out with him, try to encourage him to get into other activities that will help get him moving. Maybe he doesn’t want to go to the gym but will go hiking or play basketball or something. I had one friend who couldn’t stand going to the gym but started playing basketball and tennis instead.
People telling me specifics about how they got started and it wasn’t impossibly difficult.
Seeing myself, not as somewhat bad, but as something I found unnacceptable
Worthwhile, achievable goals
Non-judgemental non-patronising cameraderie with other people, preferably at a similar point.
What really, really, really didn’t help:
Telling me it was really, really important. Often, the more important you make something, the more you feel like a failure for not having fixed it, so the more you feel like there’s no point trying now.
Making too big a deal out of it positive or negative and making me incredibly self-concious that I can’t just try a little bit and see how it goes without everyone I know putting pressure on me to be perfect.
Not listening. If someone had come to me and offered to talk about in completely non-judgementally and offer suggestions for what I might be able to do without turning my life upsidedown, I might have been able to listen. But the more you treat it as if I’m just stubborn and stupid and all you need to do is yell enthusiasm at me, the more I feel pressured, and the less it helps.
I didn’t actually do this, but it helped: NHS’s Couch to 5K, which is program which starts from absolute nothing and works up in increasingly longer intervals to running 5k. There’s a series of audio tracks you can listen to that tell you the intervals if you want. It helped because it set small goals that were clearly worthwhile and clearly achievable.
A sport, or a wii, or an energetic hobby can also be quite good for some people, if there’s something they’re not embarrassed about trying.