It seems to me most of the problems and turmoil and emotional torture narcissists cause is because regular people try to engage them as fellow human beings, or help or change them, or think eventually they will change into a normal person.
Which of course is never going to happen, they have a personality disorder where all of reality is filtered through their brain and given a tint of delusion where they are the center of the universe and a victim of the highest order while being the most brilliant and most important person on earth.
But assuming it isn’t a spouse or lover(get the fuck out!) but is instead someone who it is beneficial to deal with like a superior at work or family member, where just not engaging with them isn’t possible.
What about approaching them as the juvenile megalomaniacs they are, basically cynically manipulate them for fun and profit? Just feed them whatever they crave, and validate their delusions, and pretend to be an emotional punching bag for their crazed ravings?
Provide the constant validation they need that they are the center of the universe and a total helpless victim of fate, agree with their delusional interpretations of their interactions with others and place in life. Agree with them when they blame you over and over, pretend to be upset and cry when they use you as a dumping ground for their insane crazed rantings.
All the while laughing inside as you get whatever it is you need out of them, go home and laugh at them behind their back if you need to for sanity.
Basically I’m saying instead of fighting a workplace or familial narcissist, just feed them what they crave understanding you’re blowing smoke up their ass while reaping the rewards from this damaged personality.
You cannot fill that hole. There isn’t enough in the entire world to satisfy the need, and you sacrifice a little bit of yourself every time you do it.
I don’t think it’s necessary to manipulate them or to secretly laugh at them to have a workplace relationship. It sounds creepy when you put it that way.
You certainly don’t want to be their main go-to person for validation or you’ll be like heroin for them. And I think there is a way you can be pleasant and validating of them as a human being without feeding into their delusions. After all, if you do, aren’t you helping them to be unwell?
There are a number of ways to be accommodating to a co-worker without quite having enough time to sit through the whole song and dance.
I think you’re on the right track. These are needy and sometimes problematic folks so you want to avoid forming any deep attachments by seeming more interested than you are. Give 'em a figurative pat on the back now and then. But don’t fall all over yourself embracing the goofy. You make yourself unworthy and them sick.
Oh, God, I have to work with a woman who is what I’ll call an insecure narcissist. It’s not a good combination. She keeps trying to validate herself through her work. And because she’s a narcissist she won’t ask for advice.
I had a “dear” friend who is/was a narcissist, and she was so good that she fooled a lot of us for a long time. Most of us had no idea until we’d invested a lot of emotion. When we we didn’t suit her needs anymore, we were dumped. Without a thought.
She did this to quite a number of people, and just found new people when the old ones didn’t give her what she needed. There was a lot of anger and hurt feelings.
Now that I’m much wiser, I’ll never, ever engage another narcissist. If I have to work with one, I’ll do what’s necessary to fulfill whatever task, and otherwise minimize any contact. No talking except for the least amount of pleasantries I can get away with. That’s it.
1.There is no intent or attempt to harm, hurt, or criminally defraud the narcissist. The only intent is to have a normal good work/familial relationship with the usual perks that entails such as promotion or peaceful family relations. The narcissist is not being harmed.
2.The narcissist is actually happier and more fulfilled by the false front! Treating them like a normal adult or trying to force or guilt them into behaving only causes strife and misery. They enjoy being handled this way.
3.It is hard to feel guilty about blowing smoke up the ass of a person who will respond to a 16 year old fast food worker refusing to break managers rules and give them free stuff by going on a crusade to get said kid fired, up to fabricating lies to managers. Just one example of jaw dropping despicable behavior, cry me a river.
Anyway like I said there is no intent to harm or defraud here, the only intent is normal good relations and the perks there of.
Yeah, but it has the fundamental dishonesty, manipulative scheming, and use of people to get what you want part. Dealing with people that are mentally ill can be very frustrating, but when you adopt their own troubling behaviors to use against them, you are headed down the wrong path.
There are two ways to deal with a narcissist: appease them, or get away from them.
If you have to work with a narcisisst, the only short term option is to appease them (although if I would definitely be looking to get the heck out of there longer term). In my experience it is only possible to do this in small doses. For example, you can nod and take the blame in order to move the conversation along to something else - but this opens the door for you to be blamed outside of the immediate work group, which quickly leads to a toxic work environment for you.
In the end, the approach to appease a narcissist can only work in a very limited scope. If you are engaging with them regularly on a daily basis it will eventually wear you out to the point where you have to get out.
The bigger question for me is how to accurately identify a narcisisst coworker. This discussion so far seems to take it as a given. Part of their power comes from others not realizing that they don’t experience normal human empathy, etc.
It could be tricky with a coworker, depending on how closely you have to deal with them. If you know the signs, though, it should be pretty easy to identify with anyone you have to deal with closely, I think.
My psycho ex is an *extremely *skilled manipulator. And he has other, good qualities working in his favor like being witty, hilarious, adorable, and attractive. But if you have any knowledge of psychology, and know him moderately well and don’t have your head buried very deeply in the sand, it’s obvious what a narcissist he is. If any of his coworkers are having a hard time dealing with him and are actively looking to figure out wtf his problem is (and don’t have their reasoning clouded by attraction to him or something), it wouldn’t be hard to figure out.