Tips On Dealing With A Narcissist

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So a few weeks ago I started a new job. I’d heard about my new employer, a doctor, for years, plus I was a patient of hers and her husband, also a doctor, for several years. Apparently, for 30 years, she has gone through hundreds, if not thousands (I’m told) of assistants and nurses. Supposedly she has a hard time getting any other surgeons to work with her and has alienated most of all of the staff at all of the hospitals she has privileges in. This woman is, I’m told, feared and hated all over town and beyond. She has to find employees that are either new to her field, gynecology, or just moved into town, so that they haven’t heard of her reputation yet.

She is, I’m sure, a narcissist. I work in her office, as her only direct employee. I’m not new to my work, medical assisting, but I am new to gynecology. She will, several times a day, take me into a room and shut the door and go off on these huge tangents about how she’s been meeting with dozens of consultants, her attorneys, her accountants, and her colleagues, about how her office is supposed to run and how everyone is sabotaging her and it’s always everyone’s else’s fault but hers. She talks, and talks, and talks. I’ve gone through two assistants of my own in the last week because nobody can work with her.

I, however, seem to be one of the very, very few that can work with her, so far. I knew that somehow my experiences in growing up with a narcissist father and being in relationships with narcissists many times would help me somewhere along the way! I instinctively seem to know just what to say, and also when to shut up, and she for some reason LOVES the crap out of me. She’s been kissing my ass up and down, telling me how awesome I am. I’d like to think that it’s because she realizes how lucky she is to have found someone as good at the job as I am that can put up with her. But more likely it’s because she has a tendency to put new people up on a pedestal as perfect and I’m afraid that when she finds out that I’m not perfect she’ll turn on me, too.

Which I’d really like to prevent from happening, as, oddly, I actually like this job and I think I want to keep it for a while. She is paying me amazingly well, I get tons of overtime (whether I like it or not), and I’m the lead (of nobody, currently, but hopefully one day I will get an assistant that will stick), all of which are not small benefits to me. And actually, as weird as people that know her find it, I actually like her- she is very charismatic, charming at times, grandiose, brilliant- she’s all the things I grew up with in a father, and she’s all the things that I can’t help but be attracted to. I’m attracted to difficult people, but this isn’t about my psyche. I can listen to her harangues and relate to her angst, while remaining calm and collected- this is all very comfortable for me, as it’s so familiar.

So I want to keep this job as long as possible and not have it end badly. What I need from you Dopers are tips on getting along with narcissists. I’m doing pretty well- I kiss her butt from dawn to dusk, I buy her the iced coffees that she loves, I agree with her on almost everything she says. I try to go above and beyond on the job, giving her not only what she expects from me but more. I am uber-assistant. Any other things I can do to ensure her $$ continues to go into my pockets and we continue to get along and enjoy a mutually beneficial relationship for a long, long time to come?

2

I don’t know if this will keep the $$ coming in, but IMO you need to set some boundaries at work re just how much she relies on you. It sounds to me like she is grooming you to soon run her errands and do other stuff for her. If you can find a way to set those boundaries w/o having her lose face, she’ll probably respect them. Or maybe not. Good luck.

3

Boundaries, yes. I have gone through therapy regarding my past dealings with people like her, and no longer even allow them into my personal life- I’m over it. But right now, with her, it’s all about the $$. Thousand dollar insurance deductibles are an unpleasant surprise. Christmas is coming up. I got bills to pay, mouths to feed, and money don’t grow on trees. Right now, my focus is on staying there long enough to make a shitload of $$ and be a supervisor to at least one other person for my resume status, until I can’t stand it anymore. I just need tips on how to stand it as long as possible. I realize she’s not healthy, and it could end badly- it’s a risk I’m willing to take right now for the $$. I realize I’ve sold my soul to the devil.

4

It sounds like you know how to deal with a narcissist and are already doing a lot of things that are making your boss happy.

Based on my experience with a narcissistic boss, I would suggest that you should stay vigilant for her to change instructions/expectations/procedures for your work in a way that seems arbitrary or even contradictory to prior instructions. Be prepared to adapt to changes without asking why changes are being made. I’m not sure how this would play out in a medical setting, but be prepared for her to undermine your authority, to pit one employee against another, or otherwise create dysfunction within the group working under or with her.

Don’t engage in any discussion with co-workers, former colleagues, or even others in your field about how or why she is difficult to work with.

If you get frustrated, IMO it’s better to leave the position than to try to talk to her (or other co-workers) about any problem that you are having.

5

All of these things have already happened, to some extent. She is really something. I hate her and love her at the same time- she has the ability to suck you in if you’re not careful, then rip you to shreds. I see this about her, and I do stay vigilant. I came in the first day, looked around, and said “ah… home!” Thanks, dysfunctional family!

6

Being vigilant and able to diconnect emotionally from her at a moment’s notice are both important. That means that you mustn’t take what she says personally. And you’ve mustn’t let her know that she is getting to you. I practically have to enter a dissociative state when my mother goes from her charming self to her vicious self. Both sides of her are real. It took forever to figure that out.

You are one brave soul and smart to figure this out too!

7

While I’m sure this is amusing to you at this point because it’s new, you need to realize that at some point it will become very old. If she has ground through that many people it is likely only a matter of time until she turns on you, and at that time your (currently) amusingly quirky boss will become a world class bitch to you.

Re

Sock the money away while you can. Assuming they were not all fuckups, if (as you represent) she has driven away practically all the assistants she has ever worked with your time in the stocks will come, and you (based on your prior thread) have both a temper and limited capacity for being disrespected. This is not a question of “if”, but “when”. Enjoy the ride.

8

Based on what little dealing that I have had with narcissists, she kisses your ass because she gets admiration from you and you don’t disparage her in any way. It may not be that the new people become imperfect; she may just learn that they don’t think that she is perfect.

All hell may break loose as soon as you stand for your principles or refuse to ignore one of her mistakes or flaws. Don’t take it personally and be ready to weather at least some retribution, possibly fabrication of wrongs that you did, and/or some sort of attempt to make your life a living hell until you come back into the fold or (more likely) leave her existence.

9

To add to the others’ advice, I’ll throw something else in there.

Make sure you document all processes, procedures, responsibilities, and so forth. You don’t want to risk a negative reference or denial of unemployment compensation because of this woman’s psychological problems. You also don’t want to risk problems from your own licensing or certification agency because of this woman’s problems.

In other words, covering your ass is always good advice, but it sounds like, for you, it’s more so.

10

Maybe not, though, too. My Dad worked for decades next to a difficult person. I don’t know that Dad’s business partner was a narcissist, but he was definitely difficult. More than one person commented that “Bob must be a saint to put up with Dave for so many years.” Well, Dad’s a great guy, but I’m not certain he’s a saint. He just knew how to deal.

However, there is a big difference here - Dave saw my father as an equal, and clearly respected him as such. While she knows you’re capable, you’re not her equal - you’re her assistant and work for her. That said, she also has to know that she’s difficult, what with the thousands of assistants she’s gone through already.

I think the key here is getting her respect. Not as an equal, maybe, but as the best damn assistant she’s ever had and the only one that can make her office run smoothly. I think that the tons of experience you already have will help you out here. However, I’ve no idea how to go about getting that respect. Maybe disagree with her on some business aspect with clear reasons as to why? Maybe it’s learning her business routine, mastering it, then improving it so that stuff is already done before she even thought it needed to be? Maybe it’s anticipating problems or issues and already having ideas and solutions? I don’t know.

I expect it’s a lot like working with Meryl Streep’s character in The Devil Wears Prada, though.

11

The caged elephant saw what you did there.

12

Don’t you just love that song?

13

Things are going pretty well. I have to admit that she does rattle me just a tad once in a great while. She will cut you.

The suggestions sound good- fortunately, I’ve always been one to document and chart everything and even have a witness to potentially important things that may come up in the future. I’m still learning gynecology and her business in particular, but I am trying SO hard to learn everything fast and do extra things and kiss her ass as much as humanly possible. She is extremely knowledgeable and impressive, so it’s not all fake admiration.
I did get an assistant that she likes that started yesterday- this one might stick! I am her boss! I’ve never been a boss before, so I’m excited.

14

Best wishes. I worked for the lawyer version of your boss once. I lasted 3 months. Only one other lawyer ever lasted longer and he was impervious to the bullshit. Never say anything bad at all to anyone other than your therapist about the boss. Collect the names, addresses and phone numbers of all the predecessors your learn about, don’t let anyone know you are doing this.

When it finally happens, make sure to use the phrase “narcissistic personality disorder” on the way out in your parting sentence. As you know from father, this drives them ape shit.

15

Another possible suggestion is when she goes off on a rant, always bring the subject back to whatever work that needs to be done. This may either bring her back to reality or help her realize she can vent to you but all you want to do is work.

Document everything.

You take a job because of the money once.

16

Maybe I’m a wimp (or my experiences were different), but if a narcissistic boss is flying off on the Nantucket Sleighride of their ego, it might not be a good idea to drag them down with reality.

There’s a lot of truth right here.

17

My advice is to not give her ammunition to use against you when it gets ugly. And it will get ugly, perhaps later rather than sooner because your tolerance is so high, but count on it. Narcissists thrive on drama.

Also, don’t expect her to tell the truth or to remember events the same way you do. Narcissists always twist the dramas they’ve created to put themselves in the best possible light. Even if it means lying right to your face about something that you both personally witnessed at the same time.

Enjoy the money while it lasts. And steel yourself for the ensuing drama.

18

I had a narcissist husband (ex-husband now, Thank God) and it prepared me very well for working with my current narcissist boss.

It sounds like you’ve got it all right. It helps me to remember that a narcissist doesn’t have any friends or enemies - only people who help build their gradiose image and those that do not. Offering bald faced compliments (even if they’d sound incredibly phony) helps. Ignoring bad behavior helps. Also, - if you discuss something that ends up not going her way and after a while she appears to agree with another point of view or change her mind, don’t expect it to last. The next time you discuss that topic it will be like that conversation never took place and she is sticking to her original premise.

19

Update

Well, I lasted about three and a half months. The first 10 weeks or so was fine- we had our little problems, but I was working a lot and making a lot of money and it was okay. The last few weeks, her behavior grew increasingly bizarre.

The last day, she started out the morning with a lecture, casually throwing out the idea that I had been giving injections without her orders. I’ve never done that in my career, and I don’t know why she would say that. I didn’t ask her, because we had been sniping at each other and there had also been big full-on blowouts between us and I didn’t want to start anything.

Then, a couple of hours later, she said that we were going to sit down and draw up some “contracts” between us that I would do this and that. I wasn’t quite sure what she meant by that, but I can envision her having me sign a bunch of little statements that I will do this correctly, and that correctly, and then her trying to screw me if I ever make a mistake and* don’t* do something correctly. I don’t know- that sounds like an idea that a bipolar in a manic state would come up with. Fuck that.

She also had decided that I couldn’t do any paperwork during the day- in an office where shitloads of results, orders, faxes, refills, messages, etc. come in by the truckload, practically. She insisted that I either go in every room with her and just stand there, or, depending on if she was mad at me or not, stand outside the door, in case a patient needed “excellent patient care”. ?? And then I guess I was to stay several hours into the night to do the paperwork? I didn’t wait to find out.

Wow. This woman was a trip- it would take pages and pages to describe everything I saw her do in the few weeks I was there and all that I experienced. Emotional abuse, passive-aggressive comments, pitting coworkers against each other, paranoid delusions, manipulation, you name it. She is really something else. Too bad she’s so brilliant and talented at what she does, really- her success ensures that she never has to change. She can always just get someone else, she pays very well. That’s how she gets you.

Towards the end there, she did kind of mess with my head. As in any abusive relationship, I had started to question myself, and wonder if perhaps she was right and *I was the problem, and she was the normal one. I had to keep calling people that know her and asking them to affirm that she is, in fact, evil, and that I am, in fact, sane. Our relationship was the classic abuser power/control deal… the tension-building phase, the blowup, the honeymoon phase- classic! Her little amends usually included a $5 Starbucks card- I amassed quite a few!

All in all, I don’t regret working for her for that time. I had a lot of urgent financial needs for the last couple of months, and it certainly did help me to catch up on my bills and take care of business in that way. I learned a lot about myself and others and human nature and what I want and don’t want in a job. I met a lot of great people and made good contacts in my field, perhaps even life-long friends. I learned a lot about vaginas and such, including my own. So I would do it again, but sure am glad I don’t have to. Glad to never have to see that dragon lady again.

20

Thanks for the update! I tend to wonder how these things turn out. Sounds like you took from it all that could be took (financially, intellectually, etc) and left before she crushed your spirit.