I recently walked away from a 5+ year relationship after finding out he was unfaithful. Since that time, I have learned a lot of things about him that are not good. He has cheated in almost every relationship he has ever been in. He has personality traits of a true narcissist, although I never realized that until I was away from him. (you can convince yourself of a lot of things and excuse a lot of behavior when you really love someone)
According to what I’ve learned, they are not really capable of “love” or feeling much of anything. They are users and manipulators, and only care about their own needs.
All of my friends and family tell me I should be thankful I got away from him and how much better off I will be. I can agree with this and see what they are saying.
But, I can’t seem to get over it. I constantly think about him and our relationship and analyze things. I wonder what I could have done differently, where did things go wrong, how did I get so manipulated?? Did he ever really love me at all?
My research says that they play a great part in a relationship in the beginning and that’s what you fall in love with, but that person really doesn’t exist. It’s a ploy to lure you in and make you comfortable and then they go on doing all the hurtful and horrible things they do behind your back.
WHY do I still miss this horrible person? WHY can’t I just see it’s for the best and be happy I’m free?
Is this true behavior of a Narcissist? Anyone have any experience dealing with one? Getting over a relationship with one?
Get the book Malignant Self Love. It will help you understand his thinking & why you are attracted to him. I predict he will try to get you back, so it’s best for you to arm yourself with knowledge so you don’t fall into the trap again.
I got out of relationship with a toxic narcissist/liar/angry/unbalanced person 10 years ago, and I still analyze what went wrong and how I could have made things better – I only do this occasionally now, but the first few years after the break-up were difficult to get through. I’m the one who ended the relationship and in a not-very-nice-way.
My partner was very charming and the life of the party. This is what attracted me to her and things were good for a year or so; then, the “other side” of what a narcissist can be emerged. She was controlling and would throw fits if I wanted to do something without her with another person, she lied about big stuff (she had cancer, had money that was in a trust fund she was trying to get out) and shit that didn’t require lying about (why she took extra time grocery shopping, etc).
And she was really, really, really bad with money. Her credit was ruined and I was the one who had to buy houses, cars, and so on in my name; eventually, my credit was ruined because we were way in over our heads.
And I let all of this happen and I despised myself for a long time for getting into big messes.
My conclusion: the very nature of narcissism is that the person usually only cares about themselves. I was a useful accessory for money, companionship, and propping up, to the outside world, whatever she said. Even though, in what little I had left of an independent brain, I knew that she was lying about having cancer, I went along with the ruse. I got entangled, was embarrassed that I was entangled, and I was afraid of what she would do if I confronted her and then left the relationship. And the break-up was extremely dramatic and I was suddenly a demonic piece of shit. She is currently sucking the life out of a wonderful woman who has given her thousands of dollars for “cancer treatment” that she actually bought a car with.
People like this chew up other people. You did the right thing and the guilt, analysis of “what ifs,” and so on will eventually ease. Be good to yourself and stick with the mantra of “never again!”
I was married for (gulp) 30 years to someone diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. (He of course didn’t believe it and said the marriage counselor, who also met with him privately, was full of crap. Few narcissists recognize they’re narcissists.)I stayed for the kids, which I’m not sure now was such a good idea. I also stayed because narcissists are very, very good at distorting your reality. They often take on the “victim” characteristics of whomever is their lightening rod as they project their less desirable characteristics onto you. If you’re empathetic, it’s even more powerful. It’s like looking in a fun house mirror,
You’re right that you didn’t know the real him. During the horrific last 8 years of the marriage–years so bad, I can’t think about them long because I get anxiety attacks–I told myself I loved the “him” beneath the NPD. After I left, I was diagnosed with PTSD, and the therapist, who specialized in PTSD, helped me see that the person I thought I knew wasn’t the real him after all. However, those distortions in the way I saw myself took a long time to clear away.
Long years with someone with NPD leave you feeling like anything that goes wrong is your fault. Yet you could not have fixed the relationship because you couldn’t fix him.The fact you’re still troubled by all this says to me that you’re not truly out from under, so to speak. A good therapist with experience working with personality disorders would definitely be worth your while.
Narcissists are empathetic and have feelings. They are not unfeeling robot types. In fact, they are extra good at knowing how you feel and understanding your feelings.
The problem is, they use that empathy and knowledge on purpose to abuse you. Narcissists go into the situation from the beginning planning to abuse you, in the full knowledge of how bad it will be for you - it’s not an accident.
(The beginning of my previous post sounds very … I don’t know, sympathetic to narcissists. I want to clarify that I think the definition of a narcissist in the DSM gives a much too rosy picture - I believe narcissists consciously choose to do what they do every step of the way, and that being diagnosed a narcissist should come with automatic incarceration for 25 to life.)
Why not? Depending upon the laws in a particular state there may be a number of mental health licenses that allow the holder to diagnose- in my state, I know that psychologists and social workers can diagnose mental illnesses . Those licensed as marriage and family counselors or mental health counselors “evaluate and assess” or “assess and treat” or “identify and treat” various problems - I’m not really clear on how those things differ from diagnosing - but in any event, someone licensed as a psychologist or a social worker can absolutely provide marriage counseling. And regardless of legal issues, it is very common for someone to refer to “my therapist” without regard for what sort of license the person holds - the “therapist” could be licensed as a psychologist, social worker, mental health counselor or even as a nurse-practitioner specializing in psychiatry.
When you find yourself in a phase of mulling over past events, repeatedly remind yourself, ‘I don’t HAVE to care about this. I CHOOSE not to care about this!’
If you’re willing to actually try this you’ll find it’s actually very effective and absolutely DOES work.
Good Luck ! Racing thoughts are the worst kind of plague!
Narcissists need a reservoir of affirmation and ego stroking. This is exactly what nelliebly mentioned. Everything “good” in the relationship loops back onto them, and this satisfies the self-regulatory component of the disorder. A caring selfless partner is ideal for them, so long as the affirmation flows from the partner to the narcissist (in that one direction). When the partner is needy and complains about lack of support/empathy, or doesn’t supply the requisite affirmation or adoration, the narcissist may rage. They also have a reality distortion effect that make you question events and keep you confused or anxious.
You may not be missing the narcissist. I suspect that you’re mourning the loss of the fantasy that you had of the relationship. There’s a difference.
I agree with Jennshark. It’s tough to hear, but they can’t give back what you need in a relationship. They simply don’t have that machinery. Doesn’t mean that they’re not charismatic, charming, and worthy of love. But it’s a hyper-imbalanced relationship.
Looking back, I was just a placeholder for the narcissist. I was interchangeable with anyone else who provided the narcissist with affirmation. There were glimpses of caring but nothing tangible or convincing that couldn’t be attributed to their narcissistic self-serving.
In my opinion, they can’t be saved per se, partly because they generally think they’re flawless.
It’s a really tough disorder, but especially for people who love them.
Narcissists are never wrong and never really apologize. If you encounter one of those types, run away.
“I’m sorry if I made you feel bad” is NOT an apology. And any statement that begins “Yeah, but…” is throwing the blame back on you “Yeah, I cheated on you, but you treated me so bad that it’s your fault.”
The confusing feelings are all completely normal. You’re not stupid, a failure, etc. However, be willing at some point to objectively see the good and the bad. People are complicated. But, the key is to not talk to him at all. Give him no foothold. In the end, maybe years from now, maybe not, forgive. Holding onto anger hurts, letting go is a mercy to yourself. Don’t shy from any pain and allow yourself to cry. That’s all I can think to say. I’ve been through a lot and have been told by people that it’s “amazing I’m so sane.” My secret is to find the thoughts that hurt and embrace them because they absolutely can’t kill you (even if it feels like it). That’s how you stay whole.
And, here’s some basic truth. Most people aren’t bad. Don’t let one person ruin your ability to love.
Side thought: Women come equipped with a danger sensor they often ignore. Ever meet someone and your stomach twists in knots and something just feels off? Don’t ignore that. That’s your survival instinct kicking in. It has nothing to do with you “being judgmental” so don’t wave it off. It can save your life. (And supersedes thought.)
First, let me validate that your post is flawless as it stands. I’m not attempting to correct you, just expand upon a thought.
I’m not so sure it’s that simple. I speak out of life experience, not with any hard studies to back up my claims. So take what I say with a grain of salt. Psychology is basically an attempt to understand something insanely individual in a way that pays attention to the similarities in behavior. The DSM is a constantly evolving grouping system of mental maladies by seemingly shared traits amongst sufferers. Not only are people unique, (almost) never completely fit a diagnosis, and exist on a spectrum of severity, often the cause of these disorders is pure speculation. Secondly, it is easy to misdiagnose a person. (For instance, I hear often BPD is sadly mistaken for Narcissism. The difference lies in the belief the Borderline, essentially, is faking nothing. As in, in their motives. This is not canon, but a rough evaluation. Back to topic.)
((Digression: I love attempting to understand how people work. This post is fascinating to me. My entire life is a work in progress towards the goal of learning more about how people think. I can’t even help it.))
Ahem… With that said, the meat of my post pertains to the fact that Narcissists are quite likely at least somewhat misunderstood. The chance is heightened by the fact that being one holds a horrible stigma and brews heavy judgment amongst people who interact with them. Narcissists are hurtful, yes. Inhumanly, at times. Unforgivably, at times. And when someone hurts us (and god forbid someone we love), the tendency is to just get livid and say “this person is bad. All bad. No doubt. Completely.” But is that true? Can we really know what they feel and why they behave the way they do? Just speculating, but unless one is uniquely born without empathy (and therefore psychopathic) they feel pain. Love. Guilt.
I just… I could be wrong, but I believe I have met some narcissists. Some are outwardly very charming, even. Some are vicious. It depends on the relationship dynamic, I think. And despite the right a victim of abuse holds to judge the abuser, I think it shortsighted to simply write these people off as “bad news.” What happens mentally to a person when they judge another is the ability to learn and understand ceases. In my ignorance, I’d even suggest that while some (or most) seem to have no moral sense, no empathy, etc… it seems their callousness is born from intense suffering, not that they were born without feeling. And yes, I feel intense disgust around people I have pegged as narcissistic, despite myself. But I try to figure it out later. I’m not sure a narcissist is without hope. I can’t help but think they’ve been demonized a bit because of how hurtful they are - as in, there’re many articles about how to “survive a narcissist” and “how to tell if your boyfriend is a narcissist - 10 signs.” In my young 28 years, I have found people are not simple, they’re very complex. And, I definitely have felt that narcissists feel intense emotional pain almost constantly. (That sentence is sure to inspire controversy! But I will not lie.)
Last note (And almost unrelated): I once met a young woman who was diagnosed as Narcissistic. However, it seemed to me over the year or so I knew her mother that she (the daughter)was much more behaving as a sociopath. I have many reasons for this. It’s pure speculation, but if anyone wants to follow my tangent down this rabbit hole, please read along. It’s entertaining, at the least. (I promise.) I’m mixing subjective and substantial information, just warning you all upfront. Something felt utterly ‘wrong’ about her, and she was constantly utterly bored, with a completely emotionless face. She one time tried to express fear - I got pulled over and her baby wasn’t properly secured. She thought CPS might get called and feigned crying - It was bizarre and unsettling and consisted of her talking in a soft raspy voice with no tears and little facial muscle movement. I have also never been more afraid of a person, and can’t fully explain why. She felt feral when I made eye contact, the feeling I can imagine one feels making eye contact with a predatory animal. She got raped one time after she tried to live in her own apartment and there was a news story about it and all that. She seemed totally unaffected and emotionless about it. She has no qualms about making up stories about her parents beating her and has over her childhood injured herself and called the cops when she was feeling vengeful, I’ve been told. The last detail, and most chilling, is for some reason CPS deemed her unfit to mother her 2-year old child. This kid was uniquely gorgeous and observant, just entrancing. I loved this little guy. (I played with him off and on the entire year I was her mother’s friend.) Daughter flees the state with the baby, and by some bizarre act of chance and bad luck, the kid dies in his sleep in the car. Apparently, I am the only person who thinks this is fishy. I think she didn’t want anyone to have him if she couldn’t. But, I am speculating. He died from some kind of … supposed undiagnosed disorder. I forget. No one really tried to figure it out, and I went to the funeral. My friend, the mother to the girl, was just distraught. But the girl? She seemed utterly bored with the whole thing. Just saying. Everyone was going insane trying to rationalize why God would let a child die, crying all over the place, and the daughter was kind of… exactly as I expected. Eh. I dunno. Fun story though, right?
I wanted to discuss narcissists, but you present something entirely different.
You have a responsibility to the boy you loved to be certain that he was not murdered – he may have been the victim of a sociopath or a psychopath. That is what you suggest in the post.
If that is what you believe you have to take it to the authorities. Even if the first people do not take you seriously. You must be dogged. Do not give up. That child deserves justice.
Who needs a therapist with all of you to help! (I really am seeing one though!) Your thoughts and advice have been so helpful. I have read over your posts several times and you have given me insight and things to think about, that perhaps I wouldn’t have.
I would really love to believe that he has some good in him and that he will find that some day. I realize that what I miss and the heartbreak I feel is for someone that doesn’t really exist…it was just the person he showed me, to win me over. It doesn’t make it any easier knowing that…it still hurts like hell. We did have some really great times and wonderful memories mixed in with the lies, deception and manipulation. I truly loved “him” and thought that I could be enough to help him and make him happy. And believe me, I tried. But, all he ever seemed to do was things to hurt me and was never sorry for any of it. I held on as long as I could and I forgave him for MANY things along the way.
I worry about being able to trust again, IF I ever decide I am ready to try. I have stopped all communication with him. I just wish my head would stop thinking about him and memories would quit rushing back. “Racing thoughts are the worst kind of plague.” So very true.
Thank you all!!!
(I really am seeing one though!) Your thoughts and advice have been so helpful. I have read over your posts several times and you have given me insight and things to think about, that perhaps I wouldn’t have.