The ever-popular Jesus-didn’t-die-on-the-cross scenario of course, but what else?
I wrote a story a long time ago about Judas being the first vampire. Anybody have Mel Gibson’s email address?
I vote for the Mary Magdalene wakes up to find Jesus in the shower and it was all a dream ending.
Jesus should have an extended hallicination about being married to Mary Magdelene, Martha and Mary, having sex and raising children.
That should confuse people.
What about the famous song and pole-dance ending as Jesus goes wild in a leapord-print loincloth to the Passion of the Christ original song, “Nailed!”?
Oh wait. Different Passion of the Christ.
“Allways look on the bright side of life”.
The Roman soldier goes to stab Jesus, except that in the next shot he’s handing up a beer. Jesus takes it and says “Sam Adams. Always a good choice.”
Another vote for “Always Look On the Bright Side of Life.”
Alternative scene:
Jesus, near the end, summons the strength to call out to Peter.
JESUS: [in agony] Peter…Peter…come here…
PETER: [approaching the cross] Yes, my Lord?
JESUS: Look…I can see your house from up here.
You wrote Dracula 2000 ?
As the last guard walks away, he turns back, looks at JC on the cross, shakes his head and says:
“he tampered in Gods domain”
Yeah, I’m sorry.
The sun turns into a disco ball, and Jesus hops off the crucifix and boogies while the crowd act as backup singers to Stayin’ Alive.
Well you can tell by the way
I gossip my gospel
I’m a holy man
Died on the cross
Can we have Donny Osmand showing up wearing a multi-colored coat?
[in obvious agony]For my… angh… last miracle… I… I’m gonna… aaarghhh… I’m gonna… change this water… into FUNK!
“Worse things happen at sea, you know.”
Jesus is in the garden, his disciples all around him. He goes to Judas, takes his head in both hands, and kisses him on both cheeks.
Jesus: I know it was you, Judas. You broke my heart. You broke my heart!
He reaches into his robes and pulls out a submachine gun. The birds fly off the branches as bullets rip through Judas. His disciples get similar weapons from various caches throughout the garden. The Roman spies, waiting for Judas’ signal, are frantically signalling that it’s all gone to hell.
Jesus stands upon a low platform, gun in hand. He looks pissed. For some reason, there is now a 48-star US flag behind him.
Jesus: Now, I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his empire. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his empire. Now, some of you boys, I know, are wondering whether or not you’ll chicken out under fire. Don’t worry about it. I can assure you that you will all do your duty. The Romans are the enemy. Wade into them. Spill their blood. Shoot them in the belly. When you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend’s face, you’ll know what to do.
There is general cheering, and a gas grenade is lobbed into the garden. The disciples grab respirators and Jesus lobs the canister in a perfect Hail Mary into the Roman soldiers. Paul, face hidden by his mask, loads a small mortar with a grenade. He launches it into the Romans, and some of the soldiers are killed by the blast.
Meanwhile, the Romans have a tank with a battering ram on the end of the main gun. They ram the main gate of the garden. They are greeted with shoulder-launched rockets and hand-lobbed grenades, which explode on the armor but leave the vehicle intact. On the other side of the garden, behind the main fighting, a Roman talks into a radio handset.
Pilate: What are you doing? Are there children in that compound? Are there women? Do you want to cause a revolution? Yes… Yes… I’m aware the Jewish authorities don’t like this guy… Blasphemer and Sabbath-breaker, I know, I know, but still… If you kill this guy, I’m the one catching hell from the Imperator General… [increasingly frustrated] Damn it, if you are going to do that, I wash my hands of the matter!
Pilate angrily turns off the radio and slams it down. He looks towards the garden and sees an orange glow, and he shakes his head.
Inside the garden, a fire has broken out. Ammunition is exploding, and people are screaming. Jesus looks frantic, like a maniac. He’s giving orders, but fewer and fewer people can respond. He hears a terrible crashing sound behind him, and he turns around in terror to see Roman soldiers have broken down the gate. Jesus takes two in the chest, and he goes down.
Jesus: Is this the end of Little Jesus?
Fadeout.
Derleth, the only thing I think I would add to your ending is that when the Romans break through the gates, Jesus needs to snort a bunch of coke, then turn around with a rocket launcher and scream “Say hello to my little friend!” before blowing a bunch of Romans away. Jesus eventually take one in the back and falls forward into a baptismal font. Credits roll as Jesus floats face down.
Just before they crucify Jesus, they pull off his mask … it’s Old Man Winters, the creepy guy who runs the petting zoo! And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for those meddling Pharisees.
This is more of a sequel:
Jesus returns from the dead… only to find himself buried in an ancient underground pyramid in the middle of a battle between vicious acid blooded aliens and powerful glowstick goo blooded predators.
At the same time, a deranged psychopath with a chainsaw and a hockey mask and a deranged psychopath with a glove with fingers made out of knives fall into the pyramid through a hole in the plot.
And on top of it all, it turns out there was a wacky mixup in heaven’s “Return from the Dead” department, and they’ve accidentally sent back Jesus twice! Hilarity ensues when the two Jesuses, unaware of each other’s presence, try and figure out why everyone’s thanking them for doing miracles that they don’t remember doing. Hear Jesus’s new catchphrase “I brought wha back from the whatsit?”, sure to be repeated thousands of times, long past the point where everyone is sick of it.
Jesus vs Alien vs Predator vs Freddy vs Jason vs Jesus.
Whoever wins, we make more money.
Jesus dies, Calling a new Messiah from Central Africa named Kitenge. But then, since Paul is a majorly kick-ass warlock, Jesus is resurrected by the disciples after a dangerous ritual and crawls his way out of his coffin. Much drama and action ensues when the two Messiahs join forces to kick evil’s butt, until Kitenge turns to the dark side by seeking the employ of an evil demonically-aligned local baron. Jesus and the Disciples have a dramatic showdown with Kitenge and the baron during his Rising. Kitenge falls into a coma, and Jesus, being the softie that he is, fails to kill him, setting up a dramatic confrontation next seaso- I mean sometime in the future.
How about we end with Snoopy at his typewriter and show images from classic Jesus comic strips, and a note from God?
Jesus: “Pssst… Paul. Hey, Paul, come over here.”
Paul walks forward and kneels before the cross.
Jesus: “Paul, try to lay off the homos. They’re not all that bad.”