If he’s reading this,there’ll be some Dopers zapped tonight I’m sure 
Paying Judas to betray Jesus 30 pieces of silver
Paying Pilate to convict Jesus 100 pieces of silver
Making history and a new religion Priceless
Oh, I gotta correct myself. Turns out that in the story I wrote that I mentioned in the OP, Judas’ son was the 1st vampire, and Judas himself was the main character hunting vampires. Yeah, I spoiled it for you, in case some brain-damaged editor publishes the thing someday.
“If you strike me down, Pilate, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.”
“Use the Cross, Paul.”
If I can hijack this to be serious-
I’d love to have seen the rending of the Temple Veil instead of the rending of the Temple; and Christ’s descent into Hades (only one movie has even suggested that- an odd & effective “modern-day life of Christ” film called THE JUDAS PROJECT.)
Jesus, up on the cross, nods. The camera pans to show R2D2 in the crowd. R2 launches Jesus’ light saber which he catches. He cuts himself down from the cross, and starts laying into Roman soldiers.
Meanwhile, Mary Magdalene wraps a chain around Pilate’s neck… you get the picture.
Setting: A mud-daubbed hut, with a thatched roof. Chickens scratch outside in the yard. A donnkey, tethered to a hitching post, calmly eats grass. The sun is just coming up.
The camera begins to come closer to the hut, focussing on an open window. Two people, a man and a woman, are lying in the bed, a sheet over them. Both are smoking a cigarette and have a slightly rumpled look to them.
Woman: That was amazing.
Jesus: I told you I’d come again.
“Two men say they’re Jesus,
One’a them must be wrong…”
-Dire Straits
After doing research in various distant and dangerous locales, Indiana Jones discovers the reason why Jesus “disappeared” from the cave where he was lain was that they went back to the wrong cave! See, Indy finds an old stash of ancient manuscripts and finds a transcription of a note left by Judas. No one at the time could read it, but of course Indy has deciphered it:
… this is followed by …
Later in the movie, Indy finally figures out the location of the cave. Turns out it’s just around the corner from that other cave where he found the holy grail. What luck! But in putting together his archeological team, several Nazi spies sign up. When Jesus is finally revealed, the spies try to kill everyone, but Jesus turns out to still be alive (hey, this is the Christ we’re talking about here) and puts them in a world of serious hurt. With the appropriate mind-boggling special effects, of course.
In the end, Jesus blesses Indy and, with more incredible special effects, finally ascends to heaven.
Leaving Indy standing in the middle of the desert next to a now-empty cave going, “OK, now what?”
The End
I’d pay to see this movie. Heck, I’d buy the Special Edition Extended DVD too.
Jesus has been arrested and sentenced to death…
A distraught Mary Magdalene, with nowhere else to turn, contacts a shadowy organization called The A-Team.
During the parade, the team bursts out of their disguises and reveals a homemade nail shooter powered by elephant dung and two candles. They let fly an unbelievable number of projectiles and somehow manage to avoid injuring any of the Roman guards but do manage to shoot the shit out of the chariot wheels. One of the out of control chariots hits a stack of wine barrels and explodes into the air. Jesus escapes with the team and is reunited with Mary. The leader of the A-Team exclaims that he loves it when a plan comes together and everyone has a laugh at the expense of the crazy guy.
Freeze-frame laughing shot. Cut. Freeze-frame laughing shot. Cut. Repeat until all main players have been covered.
Roll credits.
All I gotta say is the DVD better have an outtakes reel…
… cut to heavenly scene where Jesus looks down upon the world.
Jesus: Oh Holy Me, these morons can’t get anything right! (Raises Voice) Hey Dad! Can I send a Prophet to straighten these bozos out?
Voice of God (off stage): Yea, sure Son, whatever.
Jesus peers down upon the earth, picks out a likely candidate.
Jesus: Hey! You! Yea, Mohammed, I’m talking to YOU! Listen carefully …
Fade to black.
Dr. Robert Hartley wakes up in his bed. He turns on a lamp on his nightstand, puts his glasses on, and sits up, blinking several times. Emily Hartley wakes up, rolls over in the bed and looks questioningly at him. She speaks:
“Bob…?”
Dr. Hartley blinks a few more times, and says:
“You’re not gonna believe the dream I just had.”
I was thinking of something similar but more like…
Jesus is on the cross, his vision goes bleary and… he wakes up.
He’s not a carpenter messiah, but a humble Chicago psychologist with a wife named Emily and his best friend sorta reminds him of a guy from a 1960s sitcom.
‘Damn,’ he says to Emily, ‘this is almost as bad as the time I dreamed I was an innkeeper in Vermont.’
At the last minute, Jesus is pardoned and let down off the cross, weak, but still alive. His mother and Mary Magdalene nurse him back to health while the apostles handle some serious spin control. Ultimately he falls in love with MM and the two of them continue his preaching, developing a love and equality based religion in which women and men share all holy duties. It sweeps the Mediterranean and gradually makes inroads in Rome, where it finds a major supporter in a radical, but pacifistic young emperor. Meanwhile, an aging Jesus and Mary Mag have children and grandchildren who aren’t treated as particularly “blessed,” but make friends easily and continue JC’s ministry in the far-reaches of the empire.
Finally we see Mary on her deathbed with Jesus tending her.
Jesus: Have you been happy?
Mary: Yes. To think it almost never happened.
Jesus: Pause…Mary? I’m sorry.
Suddenly we see MM, younger, looking up at JC on the cross as he collapses and dies.
Okay, if it’s not just me… can someone explain how Mockingbird quoted kaylasdad99 before kaylasdad99 posted?
Whoa… like far out man… we’re posting out order…
“Nobody expects the Jewish Resurrection!”
I saw that movie in the theater. Intriguing presentation, odd, as you say, but intriguing. Actually, I liked it. I’m into “alternate history” and trying to imagine how things would go if His ministry was occuring now is fascinating.