Well, you have Peter played by Bruce Willis.
After he denies Jesus the third time, Peter has a change of heart. He looks at the Roman guard who was the last to accuse him and says
Yippi-kai-ya Muther-F***er!
He sweeps the guards legs out from under him, catches his sword as it falls and lops of his head. This begins a 20 minute action sequence as Peter fights his was up to cross and he rescues Jesus just in time.
Mary Magdalene(who looks suspiciously like Kate Winslet) and Jesus are both on the cross-Jesus is nailed to it, and Mary M is kind of hanging on the edge.
Jesus: Mary? Promise me, no matter what happens, you’ll keep on going.
Mary M: I promise Jesus.
Jesus: And never let go of that promise.
Mary M: I’ll never let go Jac-er, Jesus. I’ll never let go!
Years ago, Satan was in a battle with the other angels over the earth. In the battle, one of them cut off his hands, including a precious metal ring. It drops into the dirt, and is picked up by one of the fighters, who is corrupted by it. Then the ring is lost.
Years later, some guy named Judas finds it, and starts acting all funny, stroking it and calling it “his precious.” But then he loses it. It turns out, some guy named Jesus found it, and now he’s going to destroy it. Then Judas finds out Jesus has it, so he pretends to be his friend.
Meanwhile, this Roman guy named Saraman is working for Satan. He has his men get Judas, and talk them in to betraying Jesus, telling him he’ll give “the precious” back.
Only he betrays Judas too. Judas jumps off a cliff trying to get his “precious” back, but his collar catches on the window and he chokes.
Or something.
Damn. I knew I’d give up my secret identity some day.
I’ll admit it.
I’m Jebus. You know… the guy Homer prays to.
Jesus hangs out, gets a great tan, and TOTALLY sets up “Bruce Almighty”
He opens up a catering shop in Nazareth
“Jesus’ Miracle Fish and Bread Emporium”
Okay, I’m getting struck by lightening…
D>
Jesus is nailed to the cross. In a weak breath he says to his followers, " It could always be worse."
Roman guard looks up to see that Jesus has expired, " The Son of God is dead."
Woman in the crowd shouts, " Follow the Gourd! The Holy Gourd!"
Well, I liked the T2 ending, myself.
You know, where the spear wound begins to heal, the liquid metal sealing the gap in moments as Jesus melts down off the cross?
That chariot chase scene where Jesus turns his hands into spikes, then Pilate and Judas have to chop them off so he falls to the ground, and then he walks over and they melt into his sandals?
Then they dump him into the lead smelter. Three days later, Jesus has assimilated all the steel in the place, and transforms into the giant robot, with the lasers and sin-seeking missiles and totally lays waste to…
Errr, wait, what movie were we talking about again? q;}
“Could have been stabbed… At least this gets me out in the open air.”
“At least it’s not raining”
There was a Pit thread entitled “Jesus,Bob Jones, and Mecha”
Jesus is on the cross, dying… when suddenly he starts shooting blue laser beams out of his eyes, frying all the Romans.
FFZZZZZZZZT! “Take that, Claudius, you bastard!”
I would love to see this as a movie. 
The apostles, holding a vigil at Jesus’ tomb, hear an unearthly moan, and clawing, scrambling noises from inside the crypt. Suddenly, the boulder blocking the enterance is hurled away, and a figure emerges.
Apostle #3: “Master! Master, you’ve returned to us! Please…say something!”
The very disheveled-looking Jesus pauses for a moment, takes a breath, and then says just one word…
After dying, Jesus comes back. He returns to the town, orders the people to paint all the buidlings red, and then throws lots of dynamite and he guns down the bad guys. Then he rides off into the sunset. High Plains Messiah.
Jesus falls through a curtain and disappears. A distraught Paul later realizes that he could’ve warned Jesus in time if only he’d opened his present earlier.
The tomb is empty and they find a tunnel behind a Mary Magdalene poster on the back wall and a worn rock hammer tucked in a scroll of Isaiah…
Peter and James get to the site of the Crucifixion too late, he’s already dead.
Peter: Oh my god, they killed Jesus!
James: You bastards!!!
Bloody 'ell…second row down, first on the right.
“I’ll be back.”
Pilate, “Judas, we can offer you protection.”
Judas, “No thanks, I’d rather take my chances on the street. When my release comes through, I’m out of here.”
Pilate, “Your release came 10 minutes ago.”
Judas leaves and is shown retreaving his belongings, including a rather plain looking cup.
A messenger is seen riding towards Pilate’s office. Piklate is drinking a mug of hot tea.
Judas is walking away, down the street.
The messenger arrives and waits by the door. Pilate, Judas’ story echoing in his head, looks over to see the messenger.
Judas’ limp and crippled arm miraculously start to abate, returning him to looking like a normal man.
Pilate drops his mug, shattering it on the floor. It bears a symbol much like that of the pharisees.
Judas is walking down the street faster now.
Pilate bursts through the front door, lookign each way down the street.
Judas gets into a chariot driven by the head pharisee.
The messenger’s parchment is shown on Pilate’s desk, Lazarus’ sketch of Jesus, looking exactly like Judas.
‘Judas’ and the head pharisee ride away together.
