So I want opinions on how much I need to spend for my brother’s wedding gift/ sister-in-law’s birthday gift. Some background.
• Her birthday is 2 days after the wedding. We have generally not given her birthday gifts, but we will be in the same place on her birthday.
• The wedding is in another state at the Four Seasons hotel. It will be a fancy (read: expensive) wedding.
• He had is bachelor party in another country (which I attended). I did so mostly because he decided to have it there, despite it not being something I really wanted to do.
• Due to a family connection (my wife’s), we saved them 90% on their honeymoon accommodations in the Maldives (this saved them about 10k).
• He is in finance, and is thus, doing very well, as are most of his friends and other guests. I imagine they will give pretty extravagant gifts.
• I am the best man in the wedding.
That being said, please give me your opinion on the following things:
Should I give her a separate birthday gift?
How much should I spend on a gift for them?
If the gift is in the form of a gift card (say, Amazon.com), does the amount need to be more than a cash amount?
Part of me thinks this event has cost us at least a few thousand already, but I also don’t want to make it seem like the day is about us, nor do I want to seem ungrateful or cheap. What gift will best convey all of those things? Thanks in advance for your input.
As far as I am concerned, you should always try to pay for yourself at a wedding (what it is costing them to host you). That would include the reception. Whatever that would be(ish) is what you should give. To me, that is your ‘obligation.’
However, this is a gift which means it is freely given. You can really do what you like.
As for the birthday thing, if you normally get her a gift for her birthday, you should get her a gift. It’s not like her getting married means she is not having a birthday, right?
ETA: Gift cards and gifts should be valued the same as cash.
I would give her a card or buy her dessert or give her some other small token gift for her birthday. Anything more would seem strange, given that you don’t typically giver her a birthday present.
As for the wedding gift, give them what you can afford and feel is appropriate. Personally, I can never see/hear reference to the “pay for your plate” guideline without hearing a little voice in the back of my head whispering “Quid quo pro, Clarice…quid quo pro.” Anyone who throws a party they can only afford if the guests subsidize it is a fool, and anyone who bitches about the person who traveled internationally and saved them 10K on their trip being cheap and/or ungrateful is an asshole. One presumes your brother is neither a fool nor an asshole, otherwise you wouldn’t have gone to the trouble you’ve already gone to on his account.
Give your sister-in-law a small gift, a book or a CD; something to show you’re thinking of her since you’re together that day, but nothing so grand as to make the family wonder if you’re trying to start a new birthday tradition. Even a letter expressing birthday wishes and a couple paragraphs of how much she means to you and your family would be nice. For your brother? I too don’t believe you owe anyone the cost of your share of the reception food and liquor. Give something that fits in your budget. The fact that it’s coming from you will make it special. He’s your brother; you don’t have to compete with his friends.
I agree with the token birthday gift. Even just a card would be ok - this is truly a case of “it’s the thought that counts.”
As for the wedding gift, I think something less expensive but meaningful would be more appreciated than something flashy. Instead of thinking about how they’ll feel when they open it, think about how they’ll feel in ten years time when (and if) they think about it. I gave a simple but meaningful gift in a similar situation once: a beautiful photo album. On the card I wrote that it was an anniversary album, and the first page should have a wedding photo, the second page their first anniversary, the next page the next and so on. It’s slightly possible that they’ll think it’s cheap when they first open it, but after a few years it could be one of their most valued things, and they’ll think of you fondly each time they use it. (It’s also a way of you saying that you approve of the marriage and are sure it will last.)
You are not required to bring any kind of gift, but I understand why you’d give one. I too am uncomfortable with the “pay for the plate” idea, particularly at a super-expensive wedding. If it’s $75 a plate, I’d have to stay home.
Since you’ve already done nice things for them (and saving $10K (!!) on the honeymoon is pretty damned nice) why not get them something unique. Lots of beautiful handmade stuff can be found on etsy - if you know of something significant in their relationship, you can get something related to that. Say, if you knew that they had their first date at the aquarium, you can get a beautiful watercolor of a tropical fish for about $50 nor so.
Whenever I can’t decide what to get someone as a wedding gift, I always opt for a gift card for somewhere that does photos and photo gifts - like having your photos turned into a book, or a large canvas print. I specifically state on the card that this is what it is for - for either the wedding photos or honeymoon photos. It has, without fail, been a hit. It’s thoughtful, will last, and doesn’t have to be too expensive.
Agree with all the other sentiments that a birthday card will suffice. It would be nice if it was a specific “sister-in-law” one.
My rule of thumb has always been $50 per person, so if you’re going on your own it would be $50 and if you have a date (wife?) it would be $100.
I’ve given something from this companyfor the last few wedding gifts I’ve had to buy. They’re really cool looking and different than what most people get. They arrive very nicely giftwrapped.
I heard of them when I was in the audience for an Oprah taping a few years back (don’t laugh!) and the owner of the company gave Oprah one w/ her name. Oprah said that she was going to give Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes one for their wedding, and from what I found out through talking w/ the owner, Oprah actually followed through on that.
$250 is extravagent in my social circle, but possibly not yours. For siblings, I spend about $100 on wedding/anniversary gifts.
Different cultures are more or less extravagent. For instance, Greek folks tend to be more generous with wedding gifts, in my experience. Germans are much more practical and frugal.
The fact that your wife saved them $10k on their hotel through her discount doesn’t really come into play because it (presumably) didn’t cost you anything out of pocket. (However, the couple should be effusive in their thanks. And if it were me, I’d get you a nice gift card as thanks.)
I don’t give birthday gifts for adults outside my immediate family anymore, including siblings and in-laws. Too much to keep track of and it ended up being a gift card exchange. So now I’ll just call them or email them and wish them happy birthday and be done with it. Honestly, except in the cases of people who are big birthday people (and you know who they are because they send out reminders), I’ve found that most people are happy to be relieved of the burden of buying gifts for such occasions.
I disagree—but I’d be interested in seeing what the general opinion is.
IMHO, the amount/cost of the wedding gift you give should depend on what you can afford to give, and on how close you are to the people getting married. The lavishness and expense of the wedding/reception should depend on what the couple (and/or their parents or whoever’s footing the bill) can afford and are comfortable with. These are typically independent.
Something about giving your brother basically a cash gift seems off to me, especially if he is significantly better off financially and you are already into the event as a whole for thousands. I would probably try to find something a little more personal that they might hang on to and possibly remember the occasion and gift-giver when they come across it in the future.
Yeah. Let’s be clear- since it appears there is some confusion in this thread: are you saying the wedding gift will be a $250 gift card or the birthday gift? It’s way out of line for the small birthday gift and, as Baracus suggested, far too impersonal for a wedding gift for your own brother.
Amazon gift cards are good presents when you get invited to the wedding of that one guy at work or your best friend’s friend’s birthday dinner. . . your own brother’s wedding? Not so much.
Yeah I would also agree with Baracus. I don’t necessarily think you need to hand-sew a quilt or anything, but an Amazon gift card is pretty generic. You don’t even have to go to the store to get it. Something like a restaurant gift card shows that you at least did a little research to pick out the restaurant.
What I like to do is give a gift card with a little side present, like a bottle of wine or a Christmas ornament. There there is something useful and something thoughtful, and if the “thoughtful” isn’t their taste no big deal because I probably only spent $15 on it.
Cash can be a really good gift, but I agree that an Amazon gift card is a little bland.
You can do what my brother-in-law and my husband’s parents did - they pooled their cash gift, went to the bank, and got $300 in dollar coins. They were put into a cloth sack, and wrapped in a box.
It was one of the coolest things ever - like a cross between pirate treasure and Daddy Warbucks. We had fun pouring the coins out and playing with them, and a quick trip to the bank the next week put it back into spendable mode.
My personal rule of thumb is $100 for a wedding gift, though an immediate family member where I am also the best man would have me cough up another $50. I would buy things off the gift registry unless they don’t have one. An Amazon gift card seems a little bland and $250 is too high, at least for me, and I make a decent living. Besides, you already saved them a boatload of cash on the honeymoon, so I wouldn’t worry about feeling like you had to spend a lot.
For your sister-in-law, I would get her a small gift for her birthday, which can ultimately be a Amazon gift card if you don’t know her very well, but I’m thinking more in the $25 range. Really, I would try to get her something that would be useful for the trip to the Maldives.
You guys are probably right. I think my wife already bought the gift card though. Should I just give them cash instead? BTW, they registered at a few places, but when I asked him what they needed, he requested that it not be a material gift since they live in NY in a relatively small (and full) apartment.