(when talking to Korean people) “I’m an English teacher.”
“Really? How can I improve my English without having to study everyday? I don’t have time to study, but I really want to be good at English.” (:dubious:)
OR
“Wow, your English must be really good.” (No shit.)
OR
“I’m looking for a tutor for my kid. Does 10 bucks an hour sound fair to you?” (The going rate these days is closer to 40-50.)
[QUOTE=Derleth]
Have you ever used a 3270? Ever written JCL? Do you want to bean me with a 3270 for asking dumb questions yet?
[/QUOTE]
Yes, yes* and no, just the keyboard will be sufficient.
I’m an artist. What I get is:
“Oh, an arTISTE.”
“Oh, a bullshit artist.”
“I can’t draw a straight line.”
“Well, yeah, but do you have a real job too?”
“Can you draw me sometime?” (of course for free)
“I believe you have to really suffer to be an artist.”
“I just don’t understand modern art.”
“There are elephants that get thousands of dollars for their paintings.”
“You have to see my 4-year-old’s pictures. I think he’s gifted.”
I’m a veterinarian’s receptionist. I have only been in this job since the end of May and only have 2 days to work left before I go back to school.
For some odd reason people have been asking me questions about their pets’ health ALL FRIGGEN SUMMER LONG!!! I am not a vet dammit! I have picked up enough to get me by when people ask me questions at the desk but if you get more detailed than, “can I use oral and topical flea/tick preventatives at the same time?” or “Do I need a prescription for Heart Guard”, then I’m going to insist you talk to the vet or a tech. I may not have been making great money this summer but I still had no intention of risking my job by overstepping my qualifications. Even my mother has been asking me for advice even though she has been going to the same vet for almost 20 years and can easily call them with a question.
Not offhand, but if you gave me directions I could probably do a much better job than random Joe, being well versed in laboratory techniques and such.
Organic chemistry was my weakest subject in college so I couldn’t figure out how to synthesize it unless you gave me the reactions. 
Back when I was an architecture student, one of my aunts asked what courses I was taking. I told her, ending with Calculus.
“Oh so you’re going to be a dentist?”
To answer the o.p., I get disbelief.
Sometimes.
Because I’m not really a snake wrangler, who’s a circus trapeze artist on my day off.
I really hate the cynical scum that I come across.
Splitters !
No one ever imitates Lionel’s delivery of that line to Archie? I would.
tapu, Qadgop is legendary amongst Dopers as being a physician at a prison. Look for some of the threads across a few fora where stories get told. I am so glad I don’t know what gangrene smells like. 
I have a variety of responsibilities as an executive at my company, but they all involve Strategic Planning. So when folks ask, I offer that, and usually get the Will-Ferrell-as-George-W-on-SNL catchphrase “Strategery!!” in reply…
One of my jobs is grading writing tests at home online.
I frequently get comments and private messages like this:
“Can I do that? I have a GED. I also write like someone who failed seventh grade English three times!”
Fair enough- if you ever come to the UK though, don’t say you work on a program for mentally retarded people, as a lot of people would be horrfied- it’s currently pretty much just used an an insult here. We generally would call dyslexia a learning difficulty, or possibly a mild learning disability.
Either way, it’s weird that people would auntomatically assume either version about someone because they’re discribed as ‘disabled’.
I got the most comments on my career when I was in law school and practicing law.
I own a tech startup right now (we were in NY Magazine…go us!) and people tend to react pretty positively to that.
I’d say, “Well what kind of planning would it be if it weren’t strategic?” 
“Mentally retarded” is used marginally here still. You don’t call a person who is actually retarded, “retarded.” You call your friends retarded.
(source? anyone?)
I stopped saying that. I am not, nor will I likely ever be trained to do therapy. It means the study of the mind, we don’t all have to fix it.
So I switched to saying neurosci… ah fuck you Holmes. Now it’d probably just make them back away slowly.
Q: “So you have trouble talking?”
A Broca’s: “…Yes…can…nnnot…talk…(finding words)…good.”
A Wernicke’s: “So then the green vase went over to Bob’s, and pinched the curtains.”
Broca’s are very aware of their difficulties, and it can be a source of frustration. Decent but slow with nouns and such, grammar is less good and they can omit things like “the.” Their comprehension is almost perfect. There are exceptions, but I won’t explain unless anyone cares to know.
I guess you can’t speak well if you’re not understanding. Wernicke’s are generally unaware of their problems. Their speech is very fluent, but usually doesn’t mean much.
Umm, tactical?
I wasn’t thinking.
I’m an indexer. (I feel like I’ve been posting a lot about this on here lately.)
Invariably people say, “Wow, humans do that? I thought it was done automatically by computers.”
Then sometimes I get, “Well, that seems obsolete. I can just press Ctrl-F in my e-reader.”
Yeah, good luck finding the specific reference to the concept of “personal information” as discussed in a specific US privacy law in a book that’s all about privacy law, by pressing Ctrl-F. (Just an example that came to mind from my most recent project.)
Oh, the other one is, “Do you have to read the entire book?” Yes. Yes, I do.
Can you provide a comprehensive list of threads you’ve posted this in, ordered by length of post?
I program cell phones - the low level stuff like trying to extend your battery life, and making sure there are no hardware defects when it comes out of the factory. But most people think that means I can help them with third party apps they’ve installed on phones from other manufacturers.
I guess that’s not all that bizarre.
-D/a
Interesting post. You learn something every day.