I need to preface this with some background information as seemingly straightforward discussions sometimes take confusing turns when readers make assumptions.
I’m an adult. I’m married with kids. I’m not looking for dates or concerned about the friendzone. I’m not religious or moralistic.
I’ve noticed that a lot of men around me tolerate some rough talk and I take part in it. I have a bad habit of thinking of others as idiots sometimes and wonder how I could take advantage of that. I don’t like it. Sometimes these things make me laugh, but I don’t like it.
I also notice that the bad traits of men are widely discussed. I don’t want to go into particulars as this will get TLDR.
I have been a nice guy. By that, I mean, I used to do things I thought were right and got annoyed that they were not rewarded. To me, that’s the definition of nice guy as people use it now. I still have that nice guy background, but there’s jerk mixed in.
OK, so finally the question: what are the hallmarks of a good man? I’d prefer positive traits, not the absence of bad ones. Is it simply consistently doing the things you think are right without expectation of anyone noticing? Do you associate goodness with dullness?
A good would be ashamed should his deeds not match his words. A good man shows respect to all, even those of no use to him. A good man tries his best to protect and provide for his family and community. A good man aims to make the world a better place through his actions.
I don’t associate goodness with dullness, but yes, being a good person does not mean expecting to be recognised (beyond a simple “thank you” here and there). It means recognising people’s feelings and reactions on an individual basis and responding to them as such - if something one person would be fine with hurts another, you don’t do it around that person.
It means trying to act in a way that gives the fairest, least harmful outcome, taking both context and individual needs into account.
I also have a rule I like to live by that I consider quite useful in making someone a good person: I consider my obligations to others slightly higher than their obligations to me. IME, people overestimate what they do and underestimate what others do. I’m not immune to that. Hence, this rule.
If you mean easy ways to notice if someone’s good, well…they say observing how they act toward serving staff and others they don’t need the good opinion of is always telling.
And no, I don’t think there’s a difference between a good man and a good woman.
They’re pretty much the qualities of any good person, imo: honest, fair, respectful of others, puts friends and family first but isn’t a doormat, behaves with maturity and focus, willing to stand up for beliefs but also willing to accept people’s differences, has ideals but understands their relation to the real world and behaves accordingly.
I’ll do my best to avoid negative phrases, but it’s difficult to define something as complex as a personality trait without explaining what it is not.
For me this is the most desirable trait in any person. The rewards of a clear conscience and the warm fuzzies from altruistic acts are reward enough. Expecting a return for favors is sleazy and certain to lead to disappointment and bitterness.
No. I associate the lack of a sense of humor and fun with dullness. A man who is reliably friendly, open, and charitable in words and/ or deeds is a joy to be around.
Kindness. Kindness results from a combination of empathy, morals, and the energy to act. There are great many people who have all of the qualities described above, and spend their lives sitting around thinking about the right things, and identifying with characters who are good or heroic; but without corresponding action this time is wasted and the person is thinking good but not being good. Almost all the “nice guys” as defined above who I have known fell into this category. I’d be interested to know if that rings true as you look back on that period in your life.
Kindness in men also requires a certain self- sufficiency of self-esteem. By which I mean that “cool” guys will often disparage kind acts, and so a consistently kind man will tend to have an integrity of character in the face of peer pressure.
Finally, kind acts show a sense of responsibility for the effect we have on the world around us. Many people will think the right things but have an overly-narrow scope definition for the situations in which they should take a hand. I said before that "most of the nice guys I’d know we’re in that category. The few remaining were the antithesis of this one: they thought they were supposed to clean up the whole world and eventually got burned out and chose jerkishness as if it were their only option. But there is a sweet spot between “I only take care of myself/family” and “OMG I’ve got to save every earthworm on the sidewalk after the rain.”. A good definition will be different for everybody, but is necessary for a life of consistent kindness. (I think that’s why kind people are more prevalent in small towns. A reasonable scope readily presents itself.)
It may sound weird, but in my experience, it’s men who pay more than lip service to the traditional martial virtues that are considered “good”. Granted, the virtues are gentled and adapted to non-military ends, but they’re the same ones that have been valued by warrior cultures for thousands of years.
I would define a good person like this: they aspire to be the best people they can be. They identify their values and pursue them, and their actions match the values they espouse.
There are a million virtues out there and it’s impossible to attain all of them, so you pick the ones that seem the most important to you and work at those.
I think there are some fundamental values that are required of good people, like always being mindful of treating others with respect. Being trustworthy and reliable, keeping your word and your promises. Being honest in your dealings. Being generous with what you have, including your attention and energy. Being kind and patient.
Basically, working on the side of life rather on the side of destruction. Do you uplift those around you, rather than bring them down? Do you work to create (resources, bonds, relationships, opportunities), rather than destroy or impede?
Or to put it another way, I’m no longer religious, but I was raised Catholic – I still think Paul was onto something when he wrote, " Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
Similar to that I say pay attention to the way a man (or woman) treats waitstaff, store clerks, and other people who are open to abuse. Someone who takes advantage of the disproportionate power could do that in any situation where they have they have that power.
I’d say a good man (or woman) overall does more good than harm in the course of their lives.
Genetics? His status in whatever group he’s found in is at its top. He could be described as “athletic,” is taller than average; has a full head of hair and symetrical features. He has a good balance between a substantial, dependable income and yet enough free time; so his SO feels neither insecure nor marginalized. He’s not noticeably mean, stupid or crazy: but he’s allowed some lattitude here, because if he pushes people it’s perceived as being for the general good; but if he takes things in stride he’s lauded as a gentle, kind soul.
So he may not be “good,” but he sure will have it good.
