ISTM that this is a much larger problem for mothers than fathers. I remember a New Yorker article written by a mother who said she stopped talking to other parents in the local park because the mothers all complained about how terrible they felt for doing it all wrong and the fathers all bragged about what a wonderful job they were doing. That matches my experiences in Asia as well. Mothers feel guilty and us fathers think that we are doing a wonderful job. Reading that made me understand how silly I am. I try not to brag as much, but I certainly am not going to go so far as feeling guilty.
I was at the hospital nursery visiting with my son, who because of some very minor issues was kept an extra day. The day prior I’d seen a baby with more serious problems and had spoken with the dad.
When I saw that the sick baby was gone, I assumed he’d gone home. I told the nurse, “hey, Dan’s little boy went home, huh!?” From her expression I realized what had happened and it felt like a punch to the gut.
That’s very true. When I told my husband about it he originally thought I was exaggerating. “Nobody’s that kind of asshole, overly.” Then I went out of town for work and he forgot to send our daughter to school with a lunch. Guess who got the call? From the principal, no less.
The only reason I answered was because I assumed there was an emergency; I’d let the teacher know I would be out of town. Anyway, after she’d finished scolding me for not making sure my daughter had a lunch despite not being in the same time zone, I directed her to call my husband instead, and the principal was all apologetic, “I’m so sorry to disturb you, but your wife must have forgotten to remind you to send a lunch with your daughter.” To which he responded, “She didn’t forget - I was supposed to remember and I didn’t. Please don’t interrupt my wife again today.”
I wish I could say interactions like that are unusual, but they really aren’t all that uncommon.
I’ve got to admit, I use that stereotype to my advantage frequently. We send out kids to a very crunch preschool so everything is packed in reusable containers for school which means we have to unwrap each granola par and then repackage it in a container that I have to wash every day. I’m 100% responsible for our morning routine but last week my wife was out of town at a technical conference and I decided to pack everything in baggies and leave things wrapped in their original packaging it saved me 10 minutes making snacks and lunches. Everyone knew that the girls were without their mom for the week so they said nothing. When my wife got home she was aghast that I’d embarrassed our family that way but I said “Go check everyone will think its because dad was in charge for a week and he’s an idiot” she checked in with the teacher about how the week went and got nothing but a glowing report.
I’m the “stay-at-home” parent in the family so I love using the clueless dad thing to make my life easier at every opportunity.
I’m the eldest child. I was about 40 when I learned by accident from an aunt that my older brother lived 4 days post-birth. That was hard for me 40 years distant and with no parental hormones raging.
I can’t imagine what that must have felt like to my parents when it happened to them up close and personal. They never spoke of it while alive and that kind of secret-keeping was very much out of character for them.
For several years, we went to a support group which met maybe four times a year. You could tell the new members just by their expressions, it was impossible to hide the grief. Many people were just so overwhelmed that they couldn’t share, but could only cry.
We were fortunate in that we could have other children who survived. There were many parents who never could have other children. I suspect that would have been even more difficult.
Another thing about friends, and friend groups, is that people without kids often really, really don’t want to hang out with you and your child(ren). They want to talk to you, not watch you chase a toddler–even if you feel like you could do both. There are a lot of people who are uncomfortable around children. They feel like they have to watch their mouths, they get irritated by age-appropriate behavior. They might have been delighted to meet me for lunch, but they don’t want to hang out at a park with me and my kid. I found that as a mother, it was the “coffee or drinks once every 6-8 weeks” friends that I really lost. And I was sad for it: they weren’t my BFFs, but they were friends.
Nope. I like hanging out with my adult friends doing adult stuff. Often they have kids the same age as my kids so the children can be tossed in a room with a bunch of toys and movies and whatever. But ideally I’d rather hang out with just the adults and leave the kids home with a sitter.
I was watching ‘This is 40’ the other day and I thought that movie really captured how much it actually sucks to have kids. Not just having to live with tiny people who constantly act like stupid assholes. But how having kids heaps on all sorts of additional stress related to finances, being enmeshed in your extended families lives (and problems), really just magnifying all problems.
Parents always say shit like “but I LOVE my kids SO much!” or “it’s SO worth it!”, but I think that’s just shit they say.
You can feel that way while still admitting that sometimes kids are a pain in the ass. My kids were definitely worth it.
And you can say the same about a spouse, after all. Great to be married but some days it would be nice to be alone and responsible only for yourself.
I believe you. But I’ll never understand what is in the hearts of people who stand by and do nothing while their child is being abused (mistreated, insulted, neglected) by someone else. Sure, the abuser is the one keeping a roof over their heads, but does that really outweigh the protective instinct?
Years ago, someone who was trying to come to terms with infertility started a thread, “Tell me what the benefits are of not having children.” A poster on what was then Page 1 listed a few positives: more money, more time, less stress, and finished with “All that said, children are really more than the sum of the parts- going into your 2 1/2 year old son’s room early on a Saturday morning and hearing a really excited “HI DADDY!” and instantly getting a hug makes it all worthwhile.”
Ouch. Eek. Gah. Not a few posters called him on that, but before he was Pitted and quartered, other people pointed out that when you’re a parent, that becomes a reflex. Complain about your kids, feel guilty, and soften it with “But it’s all worth it!!!” Which is pretty much what the poster said, in his apology post, “It felt like I was bitching about having kids,” and forgot that he was addressing someone who was never going to get that spontaneous hug. So yeah, that’s something non-parents can’t understand: having what you love most in life also being your biggest* source of stress.
*At times. I hope not all the time!
It happened to me and I don’t understand it either. Once when I was about six or seven my Mom and I got into an auto accident, where she deliberately maneuvered her car to take the brunt of the impact. When I asked her why she said, “Because you were in the backseat” and I realized for the first time in my life that she was willing to die for me.
And yet… She later subjected me to abuse and allowed her husband to abuse me. She would die for me, but not call CPS? Not seek counseling for herself?
I don’t understand. It’s especially confusing as I look at my son and think, “my mother felt this way about me” and I don’t know what changed, you know? I know, rationally, that I am not my mother, but it scares the crap out of me sometimes.
Ditto.
I’m so sorry.
I defend mothers like yours as well as fathers like your stepfather, and often it’s the former that really get to me. Maybe there’s some sexism at play, having higher expectations of women. But there’s also just something inherently hard to understand about a parent obviously loving their child very much, yet failing to protect them. The straight-up monsters are simpler, at least.
Really interesting thread. I felt particularly impressed by @Sleel 's #95.
#95 in the thread I linked to. Here.
D’oh! I see what you meant now. Sorry.
Since so many parents talk about how they feel an intense rush of love for their kid once their kid is born (or, at least, a few hours or days afterwards,) I wonder if in the case of these abused kids - where the parents genuinely do not seem to give a flying F___ - or in fact, even outright torment their kids - that it’s simply a case of the “love rush” not taking hold. They regard their kids with no more love than they’d regard anyone else’s kids, and then when you add in all the daily annoyances, but without the love to compensate for the crying and diapers, then you have a parent who’s ready to beat up the kid.
But…then…yeah, it still doesn’t make sense that your mom would die for you but let you get abused. IDK.
My mom without a doubt loves me but she is an insanely selfish person. Guess which usually wins.
That was great.
We’ve learned the disease vector thing this week. We all came down with what is either the worst cold I have ever had, or the flu.
Baby sick.
Mom sick.
Dad sick.
Nanny sick (and called off.)
Jesus Christ it sucks to take care of a sick child while sick, while trying to contort our schedules to accommodate work and childcare. Prior to having children I would just call out and lay low. But I have a shit ton on my work plate this month so I can’t spare much sick time.
This entire week has been trading off work hours with each other so we can take care of the boy.
There’s been no relief, all week. No rest. Just work and being sick and childcare.
Which reminds me, the childcare situation is balls. It’s for me the worst thing about parenthood, hands down. You have to coordinate 24/7 round the clock care no matter what is happening in life, no matter how you feel, whatever emergencies are happening or what your work demands are. It just suuuucks.