Well… at risk of sounding like I’m throwing shade at non-parents, not having kids is just an all-around less responsible sort of lifestyle.
I don’t mean that they’re irresponsible, but that there are fewer responsibilities, the ones there are tend to be very self-centric (not self-centered, mind you) or surround aging parents, and whatever happens after you’re gone is VERY abstract. So basically if you pay your bills and obey the law, you’re scot free to do whatever you like, whenever you like, and you don’t have to answer to anyone, nor is anyone necessarily depending on you for anything.
I say this as someone who was single until 35, and didn’t have my first kid until I was 38, so it’s not like I haven’t experienced adulthood as a single, childless person.
To use an example, had the pandemic happened in say… 2001, I wouldn’t have been too concerned. My parents were relatively young, I had no kids, and I wasn’t even 30 yet. I’d have worn a mask and done what was recommended, but I wouldn’t have had much if any fear of it- nobody was likely to die, and if I did, it would be sad for my parents, but nobody would have been left in the lurch.
For example our governor’s recent decision to prohibit mask requirements in public buildings would have been a very abstract sort of thing had this happened 20 years ago. But as a parent of a 7 year old and an almost 10 year old, it’s MUCH more concerning to me now- they’ll be going to school in the Fall, likely unvaccinated (unless they approve them prior to the school year) with kids and teachers who cannot be legally required to wear masks. It seems insane and threatening in a personal way that wouldn’t have been the case prior to having kids.
Okay, I feel like I need to clarify this statement because I read it again and it implies that only working parents get burnout. Staying at home with your kids can be just as brutal, and I think most parents (hopefully) recognize that. I’m sorry if I sounded like an ass.
Oh, God, yes. My kids run from seven to 18 months. The two oldest will be returning to NYC public schools in September. With, as you say, kids and teachers who may or may not be be required to wear masks (New York State has rescinded its mask policy for K-12 schools, but New York City has not, and I don’t know where we’ll be in September), and teachers who may or may not be vaccinated.*
And I’m also the person responsible for the care of my 88-year-old father (resident in a memory care facility).
So I’m kind of caught in the middle of very different care situations. I’m responsible for a lot, that’s all I can say.
*/ The United Federation of Teachers, NYC’s teachers’ union, is opposed to mandatory vaccination for teachers, a position with which I do not agree.
Yeah, as best I can tell (and remember), the role changes from providing for children who are not self-sufficient and teaching them basic skills (i.e. you have to feed them and wipe their butts (eventually teaching them how to do it for themselves), into a more… ‘supervisory’ role. I mean, once a kid is about 10-11, they can do stuff like make a lot of their own food, do laundry, etc… but their needs become more about how to properly behave, how to treat other people, what is and isn’t socially acceptable (“no, you can’t go to school with the stained shirt you wore yesterday!”) , etc…
So there are always issues to solve, but their nature changes pretty dramatically. Right now, I feel like my wife and I are somewhere in the middle- we’re still following up on some of the more basic skills like showering well, but we’re also facing things like how to entertain boys who have a lot of physical energy during a pandemic. Also, why they need to wear masks and other kids don’t, without saying snarky or condescending things about the other kids’ parents. And why cupcakes and potato chips are not a healthy breakfast. And in a larger sense, teaching that “because you can” isn’t a reason TO actually do things.
This may come across as snarky or condescending, but I really don’t mean it that way. Please, parents, take the words at face value …
This non-parent utterly cannot understand why anyone would want to BE a parent. That thought (which I have held for many decades) has not been altered after reading this whole thread. I absolutely made the right decision.
I am selfish about my time and my quiet. I am married, and we have a life full of animals. No, the animals are NOT NOT NOT children with fur. They are individuals, they are my dear friends, they are family members that I am responsible for. And, very deliberately, they are not children (though they are occasionally referred to as ‘the kids’). I have no illusions that caring for pets … (I don’t like that word) … for my animal family is the same as caring for kids. Animals are an immense responsibility, yes, but I know there really is no comparison. There are similarities (especially if one does not see animals as disposable), but the challenges are so different.
I can’t wait to come home every day to my animal family, but shudder at the thought of raising children.
I think this could be the subject of another thread. What made you decide to become a parent (or the converse). The people responding to this thread are sharing what it is like to be a parent, not what caused them to be become one. I think it is perfectly legitimate to not want to be a parent, but I don’t think the decision to become a parent is something that a non-parent could never understand. Just like someone who does not have pets could understand why someone would want to have a pet, but not understand what it is like to own/care for one.
I completely agree with this. Although I love my own little snowflakes more than I ever thought it possible to love another human being, I can understand not wanting that particular responsibility. In addition to being two of the four people I love most in my life, I have never, ever felt more fury, terror or frustration as I have felt with my children. Nonetheless even though there are tons of things I would do differently, un-having them is not one of those things.
Ya, being a parent isn’t a lot of fun but there seem to be a lot of rewards later on. As the parent of a teen+ you get to see them succeed and go off to be a contributor in society, you have someone to help you as you get older, and you get to leave a lasting impact on the world. I’m really looking forward to when my kids start accomplishing things even getting their first A in school or kicking a soccer goal. To a certain extent their success is my success (that sounds really pageant mom but I don’t know a better way to phrase it).
The hug from the 2 year old is just the balm that gets you through cleaning pounds of shit out of her crotch.
To be honest, I wanted a kid because I knew I would be a good dad, and I’m not afraid to say “what the fuck, let’s do this thing”. My ex was a bit more hesitant, but she would not trade the Sophia Experience for the world.
But let’s face it, however, so much of parenting is luck. Yeah, I was a good dad… to a healthy, mentally-stable, beautiful little girl who was very smart in a way her parents were and driven in a way her parents weren’t… so we did win the baby lottery. The genes matched, and they matched well. The fates did not strike her any life-altering blows. We were able to direct 100% of our attention and resources to her, and only her. Being cute meant society was nicer to her. And so on.
So, kudos to you for deciding this wasn’t up your alley! Seriously, it’s not an easy task and even the most well-intentioned parents can be derailed by some asshole introducing cocaine to your 17 year-old.
The main satisfaction from being a parent comes from the feeling of having an internal and inherent need met. The satisfaction does not come externally from the actions of the child or actions of being a parent. If being a parent is not something you yearn for, then having a child might be a mistake. If you don’t experience the inherent satisfaction of being a parent, the external fun parts of being a parent are not really sufficient to overcome all the stress, responsibilities, and difficulties.
I never yearned to be a parent. That seems a lot like yearning to be kicked in the balls repeatedly. Well, except there are rewards to being a parent I can’t think of any for getting kicked in the balls but a lot of days being a parent feels like getting kicked in the balls.
I yearned to be a parent for ten years before we had our son. It’s hard to explain why I wanted this so badly. Because the act of nurturing and loving is fulfilling. Because we built this house full of love, my husband and I, and we felt compelled to share it. Because the world needs good people. Every answer seems incomplete.
I knew it would be great, but I didn’t understand the specific ways it would be great. I thought I would resent things like diaper changes and feedings, but I actually enjoy these things. They are quality time with my kid. I didn’t know the simple pleasure of lifting him up so he could watch the pancakes cook, or how it would feel when he laid his head on my shoulder. Or the pride I feel when he learns a new skill. It’s an endless parade of little joyful things.
Right now, I’m a childless single with the head knowledge that “I don’t want kids, but once I do have them, I’ll be glad I have them.” Weird and contradictory, but that’s how it is for many, it seems.
My gal is four years and 3 months and most nights she still often migrates between beds. She’s relatively non-intrusive much of the time, but some nights not so much.
Be kind to parents, that’s my thread contribution. Some of us slept with feet in our faces (or got head-butted, as I did last night.)
I am a late 50s man who never wanted kids and, during the time when I would have had them, was married to a woman who even more than I never wanted kids. Not having them was a great decision for me and I never regretted it for a second. As such, this thread has been a fascinating read for me.
I really wish that I had parents like most of you. My shit excuse for parents was a big reason why I didn’t have kids. I probably would have stepped up and done a good job but I was terrified of taking on that challenge after what I went through in my childhood.
I can sympathize. I’m glad I had my child at age 37 because it gave me a nice long stretch of evidence that I’m nothing like my mother. I don’t really have those fears any more. I have my own flaws, but not like that.
And I was remarking the other day that I have basically ignored Father’s Day for decades because of the multiple fathers/stepfathers who failed me with alcoholism, absenteeism and abuse. But this Father’s Day I was so distracted by making it a meaningful day for my husband and son that I forgot to feel bad. My kid has a great Dad!
Me too, except I was 34. My flaws and failings are relatively mundane and survivable by my kids. I went to court when my first child was 6 months old to have myself adopted by foster parents who were decent, loving people who wanted more kids then nature gave them and to establish unequivocally that my misfit biological parents had no legal rights to even approach my children. That peace of mind was worth every bit of the considerable cost and bother.
That’s fascinating! I used to joke about wanting to adopt an adult pregnant woman so I could skip parenthood and go straight to being a grandparent. I’m an only child, so I couldn’t count on becoming an aunt. Luckily my husband’s brother had a kid, and she’s all the kid I’ve ever wanted in my life. I love her to pieces and have zero desire to have one of my own. But I would still perhaps be open to an arrangement like yours someday, if the opportunity presented itself.
