For me, at least, motherhood is a permanent (non-sexual!) mutual crush on my kid. Which is not exactly what I expected, but it’s wonderful to live a life like that, to have a relationship like that. It’s also terrifying, because I love him so much I can’t imagine how I would go on existing if something happened to him.
I had health problems that left me maybe a bit too self-focused to have kids. I like kids - other people’s kids. I told myself, and meant every word of it, that I’d gladly step in and raise my nieces if something happened to my brother and sister-in-law.
My daughter is about the same age. She routinely migrates to our bed at night. Usually she brings an entourage of stuffed animals with her.
My extended family was really screwed up as well our own. My mom and several of her sisters married abusive men who came from dysfunctional families. Both my sister and I and also my cousins were able to stop the cycle of abuse at our generation. Society has changed and there is a lot more help available now then when my parents were having kids, as well as what society looks tolerates.
It is a lot of work to break the cycle of abuse. It’s not hard to stop overt abuse. That just simply deciding to never go there. Never beat your kids or emotionally abuse them.
What take more work is finding how what you need to be doing that you had absolutely no clue what normal parents do for kids. My mom emotionally checked out of our lives once we made it to elementary school and then we were on our own.
For example, when dealing with kids when they are upset, you have to be able to handle your own emotions and not just get angry because they are angry. It not abusive to react with anger (if you don’t abuse them, of course) but you should be the adult and be able to handle the situation. My parents couldn’t, so it’s not something that I just instinctively knew what to do.
So it does take studying to learn what do normal parent do. What can I do better? What do I need to be working on? I think all parents have to learn that to some degree, but people from dysfunctional families have more to learn.
Thankfully, therapy has advanced, abuse and the consequences for the kids are better understood so there is much more help available. It’s also easier to talk to others.
Going on to the rewards of parenting, it’s such a kick to watch them grow and be able to do things they couldn’t before.
Same here, there was no sunbeam of love and joy when holding my newborn’s, just a feeling of a roller coaster tipping over the brink. Love for me came a few months later when they began interacting and seeing me as the most important object in their lives and turning into aware little intelligent beings.
Edit… And that was a quoted reply to something 200 posts ago… Oh well…
I think this is worth repeating, though. I was severely ill after having my son and didn’t know enough to realize how badly I was struggling. Reflecting back on it, probably had pretty severe post partum depression. I powered through but I’d never felt so alone or like such a failure for not instantly falling in love with my son, like everyone told me I should/would.
Everything I read, everything my friends and family said to me told me I just wasn’t trying hard enough and that if I did, this magical thing would happen and everything would be sunshine and roses. That bond didn’t happen for me until nearly two months after he was born.
If I had any advice whatsoever for new mother me, I’d say that whatever you’re feeling it’s okay and if you’re struggling, find a mental health professional immediately. Oh, and throw out all those damn books and surround yourself with people smart enough to keep their opinions to themselves. They can judge you all they want, but the second someone tells you to “just” anything (“just put the baby down partially awake,” “just keep trying - he’ll latch on!”), they need to be shown the door.