Okay. So, it’s almost 4 am where I am right now.
I’m awake becuase I have a bunch of writing to do. I’m reading the Dope at the moment because my brain is almost semi-fried. Unfortunately, sometimes I need to be completely semi-fried (can I use the phrase “completely semi-fried?”) to actually write anything that’s even vaguely important to me or anyone else, because I can’t be nervous and jumpy when I’m a little numb from exhaustion. I know this is really stupid, but sometimes it’s the only way I can do things that give me performance anxiety–like, say, finishing grant applications.
That’s one of the things I’m doing now. Rationally, I know that even if my application is total garbage, as long as I don’t screw it up totally, I’ll get the money. But I keep thinking, “Yeah, but, knowing me, I’ll probably screw it up totally. I’d better do it right, or not only will I be very, very broke, but I’ll have to face up to being a total loser for having royally flubbed up something that anyone with two working neurons could pull off.” So now I’m nervous. But I’m also almost semi-fried now, which is helping a bit.
Oh, and I’m supposed to be helping to revise the lab manual we’re using in the course I’m TAing for. That’s taking up a lot more time than I thought it would. I know that if I don’t do it well, lots of other grad students and TAs for at least a year will have to put up with a bad rewrite. As it is now, the manual is pretty lousy. I spend a good chunk of my lab period having to clarify badly-written directions or questions in the manual. I suppose I should take the attitude that any changes I make to this beast can only be improvements, but I’m afraid that I’ll produce a total piece of crap. Then everyone will know that the piece of *&^% manual they have to work with is my fault.
So, basically, I’m awake because I’m completely neurotic. And I really, really want this grant.
For those of you in places where it’s now between, say, midnight and 5 am–why are you up at this hour, and what are you doing?