In the stupid things you do when you’re young thread I mentioned I was arrested for stealing a cardboard whale. Since I’m bored at work during the last 8 hours of a 76 hour work week, I’ve decided to explain how it happened.
We were drinking at the NCO club at Brooks AFB, the club was closing and as my friends Tom and Greg and I left, we saw this huge cardboard cut out of Shamu, advertising San Antonio’s Sea World. We decided that it would look great in the dorm rooms. Tom grabbed it, we got three steps out the door, when the Security Police pulled up in front of us. One of the guys, Joey who used to hang out with us, got out and asked, “What are you guys doing with that whale?”
Tom: “I won it in the limbo contest.”
Joey: “If I ask Bruce [the NCO club manager] if that’s where you got it, is that what he’ll say?”
Tom: “Maybe.”
So with that answer, we were all taken to the station, Shamu included. When Bruce was called to the station to retrieve his whale, he said he wasn’t going to press charges cuz it was just a cardboard whale.
The next night we were at the club again, all laughing at the stupidity of being arrested for stealing a whale. We started blaming Tom for the arrest, cuz he didn’t give the right answer to the question, “What are you doing with that whale?” We wrote down alternative answers on a cocktail napkin should the situation ever arise again. (Which it did, two weeks later, but I kept the whale and had it in my dorm room for two years. Pix will be on my homepage as soon as the scanner is fixed.)
Anyway, I lost that cocktail napkin and am trying to come up with a Top Ten List again. I need help because so far I only have 5:
The Jedi Mind Trick Response: I do not have a whale. I may go about my business.
First Animal Lover Response: Free Willy!
Second Animal Lover Response: Don’t talk about my girlfriend that way!
Confused Response: Whale? What whale?
Doing My Duty Resonse: My name’s Ace Ventura, I’m a pet detective.
From lurkernomore - well, I wasn’t doing too good with the ladies, and I had a few, and by closing time this whale started to look good…
And two from Wanderer - Rush me to a hospital, this whale has been run over by a steam roller.
and
Well see I was drowning and he said if he rescued me I had to take him drinking.
ROTFLMAO!!! I just busted out laughing at work and had three people peek over the divider at me. You ass, you’re gonna get me fired posting stuff like that.
I gotta hand it to you. It was people like you that made my 20 years as an Air Force cop so interesting.
My favorite would be the Jedi Mind Trick Response. It wouldn’t have worked with me, but at least I’d be laughing all the way back to the station while I was briefing you on your rights!
The response by your friend Tom reminds me of that classic scene in Ghostbusters where Zul asks Egon, “Are you gods?” and Egon replies “Well…no” Whereupon the Ghostbusters are treated to a trillion-volt energy barrage.
Next time a cop asks you if Bruce said it was o.k. say “YES”…
He was looking thin, so we decided to introduce him to The Beer Diet.
I heard he was a humpback, if ya know what I’m saying.
He was making me horny. Yeah, baby!
We’re taking him out on the town. He’s feeling flat.
Whale, I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.
I always dreamed of being a pirate, you see. Aaaaarr. I found a hook and an eyepatch…even a peg leg, ya scurvy landlubber. But I never could find a parrot. Aaaarrrh. This sea dog of a whale will have to do. Hoist the mainsail! Batten the plank! Hard to starport! Aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrhhh!
