What are you required to disclose in a committed relationship?

[Anaamika]

@Leaffan

Can I define “deep, dark secrets?” No. But I know them when I see them!

I would think that anything significant that has happened to you in life, whether self-inflicted or not, is relevant and should be disclosed: rape being an example that comes to mind.

I second, why? Rape especially is not his business unless I choose to make it so. Neither is, say, an abortion.

[Dangerosa]

Anything that your partner is eventually going to find out about and be pissed you didn’t tell them.

If you do not think that the fact you had an abortion will ever come up, or that if it ever would come up your partner would say “oh, ok.” then it isn’t necessary to disclose it. However, if he’s likely to find out because your girlfriends gossip - and be upset about it, it should be disclosed.

Some things - like bankruptcy within the past seven years or whatever - are likely to come up when you tie your financial lives together. Good idea to disclose. Some things, like STDs, could come up if you have infertility issues, probably a good idea to disclose unless you are intending to remain child free.

If your partner is likely to get upset about things you didn’t tell him that you really don’t think are any of his business - it probably isn’t the right partner for you.

[Freudian_Slit]

@Anaamika

I second, why? Rape especially is not his business unless I choose to make it so. Neither is, say, an abortion.

I agree. To me, a rape or an abortion doesn’t say anything to me about who you are as a person. (Not that I’m in the position of dating someone who’s had an abortion as a straight female. But hypothetically.)

Stuff like financial or legal problems, previous marriages, children–those would be things I’d like to know about, and I think those are more relevant. Someone who’s been married seven times or has a history of running up huge amounts of debt–I want to know all that stuff so I can make an informed decision about whether or not I should be with them for the rest of my life.

[even_sven]

Like everything, this varies from person to person. Basically, you should disclose anything your partner may find relevant, but you don’t have to worry about the stuff they obviously wouldn’t care about.

[FrancisCastle]

@Skald_the_Rhymer

So if one member of the couple has a child with another person, that isn’t ethically required? What if the parent is being child support? Hell, what if the parent is NOT payng support despite being legally obligated to?

This happened to me. Not cool when the cops follow you home looking for your partner.

@Dangerosa

Anything that your partner is eventually going to find out about and be pissed you didn’t tell them.

My thoughts exactly.

[Skald_the_Rhymer]

@FrancisCastle

This happened to me. Not cool when the cops follow you home looking for your partner.

That is why the gods gave us the ability to make booby-traps

Non-lethal ones of course. Killing cops is wrong, it says so right here.

[Shodan]

@RTFirefly

Whether you should bring it up on your own depends on why you’re not talking about it.

If it’s something that you haven’t talked about because it just doesn’t seem that important, then there’s no need to disclose it.

If there’s something in your past or present that you don’t talk about because of the possibility that the other person might find it to be a deal-breaker, then you need to raise the subject, to find out whether or not it really is.

This.

@even sven

Basically, you should disclose anything your partner may find relevant, but you don’t have to worry about the stuff they obviously wouldn’t care about.

And this.

You need to reveal anything they would want to know, because it affected them or their beliefs in some significant way. If you don’t know what that might be, you have no business entering into a committed relationship with them.

Sometimes I read responses to questions like this, where Dopers will airily reply that they really don’t care if she was born a man, or did time in another state, or were filmed in a compromising position with a Lhasa Apso - as long as rhe person is willing to do the STD tests. Really?

A German Shepherd - maybe.

Regards,
Shodan

[Edward_The_Head]

I think things like finances are something that should be talked about. Especially things like past debit and such. I know with my soon to be ex-wife, she ran up lots of debt before and had done so again while we were married. I can’t imagine what kind of debt she has now. I don’t want to walk into that type of mess again.

[stpauler]

@Icarus

Well, how do you define “secrets”? If something is NO BIG DEAL and it happened 45 years ago and I don’t feel like sharing it then I’ll keep it to myself, thank you very much. I retain that privilege of selfhood. No couple shares everything, if any claim to they are deluding themselves.

I guess I’ve always been deluded enough to think that I shouldn’t have secrets from my partner (presents and surprise parties and the like withstanding). That’s not to say that I insist that they get an autobiography on the first hike together on a meet-up date, but over time things that are important would be revealed through normal conversation. And as for rape/abortion, well, I’d expect to hear all about them. Yes, they’re shameful things, but they are also things that most likely have shaped who you are as a person. And might explain why you don’t like to be touched from behind or hate wire hangers.

[Leaffan]

@Anaamika

I second, why? Rape especially is not his business unless I choose to make it so. Neither is, say, an abortion.

Yeah, but rape is such an emotional trauma that it should be disclosed. It should be disclosed in the same way that previous cancer should be disclosed. You may be over it now, but it might come back to haunt you, and if you are going to be sharing the rest of your life with someone these cards must be laid on the table.

YMMV.

[Candyman74]

@Skald_the_Rhymer

So if one member of the couple has a child with another person, that isn’t ethically required? What if the parent is being child support?

It’s desirable; it’s even obnoxious not to; but it’s not required in any way.

[Anaamika]

@Leaffan

Yeah, but rape is such an emotional trauma that it should be disclosed. It should be disclosed in the same way that previous cancer should be disclosed. You may be over it now, but it might come back to haunt you, and if you are going to be sharing the rest of your life with someone these cards must be laid on the table.

What if I’m over it? It’s not the same emotional trauma for every woman, you know.

[Leaffan]

@Anaamika

What if I’m over it? It’s not the same emotional trauma for every woman, you know.

You’re right, I don’t know.

(And hope I never do either.)

[LouisB]

I read this somewhere and I don’t remember where, but I’m inclined to believe it: women don’t believe they own a man until they own his history. (end of quote) Men are expected (by women) to divulge much more of their history than women feel they should be required to divulge to a man. A man cannot use “Oh, I forgot to mention that” whereas a woman not only can use it, she is free to qualify it by saying, “I didn’t consider it important enough to mention it.” That last statement is never available to a man.

This is based on experience and is MHO only; YMMV. But I’m old and very cynical concerning the man/woman thing.

[Terraplane]

@RTFirefly

If there’s something in your past or present that you don’t talk about because of the possibility that the other person might find it to be a deal-breaker, then you need to raise the subject, to find out whether or not it really is.

Another vote for this response. You care about them, right? If so, and if whatever happened in your past is something that your partner would think was important to know, you should probably respect their feelings enough to tell them and let them make their own decision about it.

[Anaamika]

@LouisB

I read this somewhere and I don’t remember where, but I’m inclined to believe it: women don’t believe they own a man until they own his history. (end of quote) Men are expected (by women) to divulge much more of their history than women feel they should be required to divulge to a man. A man cannot use “Oh, I forgot to mention that” whereas a woman not only can use it, she is free to qualify it by saying, “I didn’t consider it important enough to mention it.” That last statement is never available to a man.

This is based on experience and is MHO only; YMMV. But I’m old and very cynical concerning the man/woman thing.

:rolleyes: Or maybe it’s just the women of your generation. Or the very small percentage of women you’ve dealt with. Or maybe it was just your wife. Not all of us pull this shit.

[Teacake]

@stpauler

I guess I’ve always been deluded enough to think that I shouldn’t have secrets from my partner (presents and surprise parties and the like withstanding). That’s not to say that I insist that they get an autobiography on the first hike together on a meet-up date, but over time things that are important would be revealed through normal conversation. And as for rape/abortion, well, I’d expect to hear all about them. Yes, they’re **shameful **things, but they are also things that most likely have shaped who you are as a person. And might explain why you don’t like to be touched from behind or hate wire hangers.

My bolding… what the hell? In what possible sense is it shameful either to be a victim of rape or to have an abortion?

[Freudian_Slit]

@Shodan

Sometimes I read responses to questions like this, where Dopers will airily reply that they really don’t care if she was born a man, or did time in another state, or were filmed in a compromising position with a Lhasa Apso - as long as rhe person is willing to do the STD tests. Really?

I have noticed that, too. The sex change one is pretty mind boggling to me. I suppose it is possible to technically not lie when you mention your life but…wow. It’s leaving out a lot. Maybe I’m sheltered but things like jail and porn and prostitution and having kids are pretty intimidating/scary to hear about. I’ve never really known anyone involved with them, and maybe I’m narrow minded, but I’d need to really come to terms with that. Or might not be able to.

[stpauler]

@Teacake

My bolding… what the hell? In what possible sense is it shameful either to be a victim of rape or to have an abortion?

You know people that are proud to have abortions? I’m pro-choice and I’ve got friends that have had them. And I’ve never met one person, anecdotally of course, that didn’t feel a little shame about it.

And as for a victim of rape, well, that was probably not the best word to describe it. I’m trying to think of a better one, embarrassing? No, that doesn’t really suit it either. Abortion and rape are still quite taboo topics and those that have been involved in either usually don’t bring those personal stories up casually as opposed to other standard topics.

[Freudian_Slit]

@stpauler

You know people that are proud to have abortions? I’m pro-choice and I’ve got friends that have had them. And I’ve never met one person, anecdotally of course, that didn’t feel a little shame about it.

Not proud, but how about nothing? I’m sure there are people who just look at them as medical procedures.

Also, I don’t think rape is shameful for the victim, only for the person who has committed it.