Not just talking about casual dating…but in a serious, committed relationship, how much are you required to divulge about your past? Is there a statute of limitations (that is, maybe something that happened more than 10 years ago might be too old to matter, or might still matter), or are you obligated to tell everything about yourself?
What things absolutely MUST be revealed, and which things are okay to keep to yourself? Bankruptcy? Former marriages? Children from former relationships? Previous drug use? Felony convictions? DUIs from 20 years ago? Activities that were morally or legally questionable?
I think the bar is higher for marriage than for any non-legally-binding relationship. And non-marital relationships involving shared housing and/or finances have a higher standard than those that do not.
STD status is the big one that has to be shared. Some but not all criminal history would have to be shared. (I don’t think Terry, in the original thread, would have been obliged to tell Sean about her arrest if she had handled it more responsibly at the time.) And things like, for instance, being a survivor of rape or incest is something that the victim is not obliged to talk about if she or he does not wish.
Agree on the STD thing. So if a guy had gonnorhea (not sure if I spelled that right) at 25 and was treated, and learned his lesson about “safe sex”, is he required to disclose this to his fiancee when he’s 30? Or is it only non-curable ones like herpes or HIV?
Regarding finances…If a woman had a bankruptcy after a messy divorce, then spent a couple of years getting her finances back in order, is she required to disclose the bankruptcy to the guy she’s going to marry 8 years later? Is it different if she went bankrupt because of a divorce versus if she just carelessly maxed out her credit cards?
[ul]
[li]Marriages and children - yes[/li][li]Bankruptcy - Yes if it’s still on your record and you plan on any level of sharing finances, otherwise, No if you are clear and in good financial shape now.[/li][li]DUI, Felony convictions - Yes, it could come up again in some way shape or form, you don’t want to be accused of “hiding” it. As Anaamika posted - if it’s an open warrant, most definitely.[/li][li]Drug use, questionable activity from days gone by - Depends on your partner’s acceptance level and if there are any people/loose ends that might pop up.[/li][/ul]
Personal anecdotes - My current spouse has no experience with/is very naive about casual drug use, so my long in the past experiences are not talked about. It’s not pertinent to our life and would only cause stress.
Conversely, my current spouse always used to say things like, “I’m an open book!” They really believed it when they said it. We got married and lo & behold - they had about $50,000 in credit card debt that wasn’t mentioned. So, the “open book” claim is no longer operational. That little fact was pertinent to our lives.
I find this a difficult question to answer just because there isn’t anything I’d want to not disclose in a committed relationship. I’m not really about keeping secrets. While such a relationship should be encompassed in love, it is also a partnership. If I’m going to be someone’s partner not just in love, but also in financial matters, then I think each of us should understand how the other has managed and now manages financial affairs. The same should go for the sexual partnership.
I suppose that means it isn’t a requirement that each person must provide the exact number of partners s/he has had, or as close an estimate as is humanly possible (Wilt Chamberlain, only). But I’m always of the mindset that people who are in committed relationships are also intimate friends, and I just assume that kind of thing comes up anyway. Probably an ignorant assumption, but that’s how things have worked for me.
Realistically, anything that is likely to have an impact on the life the two people have together should be fair game. Per the referenced thread, this would include a criminal history for me, too.
Simple: anything I ask about. I told my then fiancée that all of our dating was really just an audition to see if she’s worth enough to be the mother of my children.
Whether you should bring it up on your own depends on why you’re not talking about it.
If it’s something that you haven’t talked about because it just doesn’t seem that important, then there’s no need to disclose it.
If there’s something in your past or present that you don’t talk about because of the possibility that the other person might find it to be a deal-breaker, then you need to raise the subject, to find out whether or not it really is.
I can’t imagine harboring any deep, dark secrets from someone with whom I want to spend the rest of my life, and I hope she would feel the same.
There’s really nothing my wife and I didn’t know about one another before we got married. At least after 15 years we haven’t discovered anything groundbreaking. The day-to-day issues of marriage are stressful enough without worrying about lurking skeletons in the closet.
I would say only non-curable and communicable ones.
If the bankruptcy is long enough in the past so that it no longer affects her credit, I can’t see that she’s obliged to share it.
So if one member of the couple has a child with another person, that isn’t ethically required? What if the parent is being child support? Hell, what if the parent is NOT payng support despite being legally obligated to?
You’ve been married about five times longer than me, so I won’t give advice or contest your situation; but I can easily imagine people wanting to keep some things private.
I think you need to weigh in your mind this question. Would the consequences be worse if I told him/her about it myself, or if he/she found out years later from someone else and I hadn’t mentioned it?
Yep. Which is why I used the terms “deep, dark secrets” and “haven’t discovered anything groundbreaking.”
I probably had something like 30-odd sex partners before marriage. My wife knows I’ve had girlfriends before (duh) but I think she’d be a little taken aback if I were to throw out the real number. She doesn’t need to know that, because it’s something that will never, ever come up again. And really she’s never questioned me in this category, and I’ve never questioned her either; it’s irrelevant.
Only anything that might directly impact the other person. Otherwise, it’s entirely at your discretion what you are comfortable sharing with someone else.
Well, how do you define “secrets”? If something is NO BIG DEAL and it happened 45 years ago and I don’t feel like sharing it then I’ll keep it to myself, thank you very much. I retain that privilege of selfhood. No couple shares everything, if any claim to they are deluding themselves.
Can I define “deep, dark secrets?” No. But I know them when I see them!
I would think that anything significant that has happened to you in life, whether self-inflicted or not, is relevant and should be disclosed: rape being an example that comes to mind.