Fiancé(e) has an undisclosed past in porn & prostitution. Deal-breaker, or water under the bridge?

In My Humble Opinion
1

First hypo of the new year!

Today’s story is about Sean, who, after years of being single, lonely, and occasionally high on smack, has (a) gotten sober and (b) has fallen in love with someone who gives every evidence of feeling the same. Terry is thirty or so and everything Sean could want in a mate: attractive, intelligent, funny, warm, and sexually giving. The two of them met at a Narcotics Anonymous Meeting. Terry has more time sober than Sean and has helped several persons in their group over rough patches. Never Sean, though; Terry said early in their acquaintance that, given their mutual attraction, it was inappropriate for either to sponsor the other. They began dating the day after Sean received his one-year chip.

Terry is not without faults or eccentricities. Three stand out. One is a reluctance to talk about the past in detail; the few times Sean has brought up the subject, Terry gets uncomfortable, saying that while Sean has the right to ask, it’s not a comfortable subject, so unless Sean absolutely insists it’s better to drop it. Another is Terry’s social life: Sean has the distinct impression that all of Terry’s current friends were met through Sean or NA. The last is the odd way Terry’s concern about sexually-transmitted diseases is expressed. They did not have sex until they’d dated for six months, and even then Terry insisted on waiting till both were tested for a battery of STDs before making the beast with two backs. Sean’s results came back first, but that didn’t matter; glancing at them perfunctorily Terry still insisted they wait until the second set came in, further insisting that Sean read the results first, even giving Sean the option of having the tests repeated if there was the slightest doubt. Terry’s results were clean for everything, and Sean did not press for a retest.

A year after this, Sean and Terry decide to marry, planning the ceremony for June 2010. Both want a small service, and both agree that the wedding should happen not in their current city of Nashville or Terry’s former home of Los Angeles, but in Sean’s home town of Boston. They fly there to consider locations and for Terry to meet Sean’s family. This includes Sean’s oldest friend, Alex, who looks oddly at Terry upon first meeting but does not explain why. A few days later, Alex speaks to Sean in private. Finding Terry oddly familiar, Alex did a background check and discovered that Terry has a past in pornography from that appears to run from the ages of 18 to 23. There’s no evidence that Terry did porn after that, but there is a bench warrant for Terry’s arrest in Los Angeles on prostitution charges; apparently Terry was arrested, bailed out, and skipped town. From the date, this would have occurred while Terry was still using drugs.

Concerned about this, Sean shows Terry what Alex discovered a few days later. Abashed, Terry admits that it’s all true. In fact, there’s more to it than Alex knows. Terry’s porn career began at the age of 15, not 18, and ended at 24; the prostitution began six months before the porn ended and lasted for some time, ending twenty-four months before Terry and Sean’s first meeting.

If you were Sean, would you allow Terry’s past to change your plans? What your feelings? Why or why not?

2

Ok, so what we’ve got is a person who got mixed up in bad shit as a child, teen, and young adult, then got out of it and tried to be a better person.

Then Terry meets a person, and was resultingly (not without reason) unwilling to discuss past florid and unhealthy life details because that would destroy any chance of a relationship.

Terry also (not without reason) shows odd hangups which in retrospect make perfect sense to protect the partner (no sex til the test results come in, no desire to discuss the sordid past, etc). I think that’s admirable.

However, Terry was willing to make a committment to the partner and go back home to a place where it was possible to be “outed”, and when confronted about the past, admitted it, and seemed to be ashamed of it.

For me, I’d say water under the bridge IF (and it’s a biggie) Terry tells me EVERYTHING that was done back then, and then deals with the arrest warrant and whatever consequenses there are.

If Terry proves to have the fortitude to deal with the repercusions of past choices, then I would admire that. In other words: if Terry can “man up,” and work towards paying the fines or doing the necessary time or community service, then I would be satisfied with that.

If on the other hand there are attempts to weasel out of responsibility with blaming the drugs or the society, then there’s the door!

3

I can’t tell what the time frame is between “finding out” and supposed wedding date.

That aside, Sean should do some serious reflection on Terry. There are two issues: (1) the sordid past, and (2) the lack of disclosure. If I were Sean, I’d be asking questions like “when, if ever, were you going to tell me?” and “for what reason(s) had you not yet told me?” And then I’d listen very carefully to the answers.

A mitigating factor in Terry’s favor is that s/he doesn’t seem to have overtly deceived Sean about the past–just strongly avoided discussing it. This obviously could have tipped off Sean that there were issues there. Anyway, if I were Sean, I think the two future paths would be (a) continuing things, and Terry gets some therapy; or (b) breaking things off.

4

Terry was not willing to go back to a place where it was possible to be outed. Alex is in Boston; the arrest took place in LA. Whose decision do you thinkn “We shall not wed in LA” was?

And, of course, there is another possible reason for not wanting to marry in California unrelated to the prostitution.

Writing as POSTER, not hypothetical author, I doubt they’ve set a firm date yet. They went to Boston to shop venues.

Again as poster and not OP:
How do we know that Sean’s past is any less sordid It might just be sordid in different ways.

I don’t think Terry deceived Sean at all. Saying I don’t want to talk about this subject, but I will if you insist is not a lie. And Terry was scrupulous in providing Sean with useful information, even if that information lacked context.

5

Assuming she is out of the life, I would say water under the bridge. My only real concern is the warrant in CA. Depending on the scale of the skip that could make life difficult to get things like drivers licences and clean background checks by employers. Getting getting involved with the police for something simple (say a traffic accident) and arrested because of an outstanding warrant in another state could make for an expensive mess.

He may want to encourage her to resolve that so that it does not hurt him later. I hate the idea of putting her back into a criminal environment but there may be some wiggle room for alternative sentencing as well. Either way, the skip does not work in her favor, and can only become a bigger problem over time.

6

If it were me, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone keeping that a secret. Especially the warrant. I don’t think I could marry or even date someone who still has a warrant out on them for their arrest. I don’t mean to be harsh but I just don’t want someone who isn’t able to own up to their past mistakes.

7

[judgmental]

Since Sean doesn’t exactly have a squeaky-clean past, and Terry was utterly and totally cautious about the issue of STDs, I’d have to say it’s water under the bridge.

[/judgmental]

Nice inference of SSM, BTW. Boston indeed!

8

I would have never gotten past the six month wait for sex.

9

My response:

Skald, you know a hell of a lot of fucked up people.
Hypothetically speaking of course.

10

:: usage fascist hat on ::

It’s an implication, not an inference.

:: usage fascist hat off ::

And of course it’s not necessarily the case, though it’s certainly a possibility. But since Sean’s family is in Boston, and clearly Terry’s family, if such exists, is not in Nashville, it’s equally reasonable to infer that family ties are the reason.

Why not?

There are reasons other than the prostitution past for them to have waited, anyway. Consider the shared history of addiction. Also, if Sean is male and Terry female, he may be of the opinion that he should only have sex with someone he is willing to be bound to indefinitely by a shared kid, and thus willing to wait.

11

My bad - read the OP wrong and thought that Terry was the one with family in Boston.
So that point is gone.

I still think if Terry is willing to fess up and to deal with the consequences, that I’d be willing to work past it.

But then, I’m not the person in the OP, and everyone has their own level of stuff they’re willing to deal with or put up with.

12

I voted for “Asshole”, but I forgot to ask first, do you mean Sean, Terry, Me, or You?

13

It would be difficult for me to decide to marry someone who was not forthcoming about herself, but this is someone else’s relationship – not mine.

There hasn’t been any deception on Terry’s part from my perspective; in fact, it seems to me that Terry made a point of making sure that Sean was safe before getting physically involved with him. Terry’s past – all of it – is what makes him or her the person that Sean fell in love with. Assuming he feels no betrayal, I don’t see why the wedding plans need to change.

14

On the one hand we have an interesting past. On the other we have someone who has made astonishing levels of change, presumably is able to show affection/love well, manage conflict, etc etc, and has now apparently done that for years on end. Assuming the ‘honeymoon’ is over and Im seeing more of their day to day selves, things arent looking bad.

My only concern would be that they could maintain the changes they’ve made, managing the legal issues, and reviewing my experiences to see if there are any signs in retrospect to give me concern, either of trauma/mental health, or dishonesty. I wouldnt be suggesting therapy or changing plans unless I saw signs that these measures were an issue.

The other thing to consider would be how well Im managing my own changes I guess, and what risk I might be to them.

Otara

15

I can not speak of anyone else except myself. I do have a squeeky clean past. It would probably be a deal breaker for me. Even though there shouldn’t be a big difference the prostitution would be a bigger deal for me than the porn. And if Terry is a guy that would be a total deal breaker but again thats just me.
ETA I picked asshole too.

16

This is totally not a dealbreaker and could even be a point in her favor because she’s probably a total freak in the sack.

17

What do you mean why not? Because I’m not waiting six months for a broad to put out, that’s why not.

The reasons don’t matter to me. I just don’t want to wait. If she’s a former porn star and prostitute who puts out on the second date, I’m down with it. It’s not the reasons for waiting, that would bother me, it’s the waiting.

18

One other factor - the cousin loans Sean a couple of DVDs of Terry, and sees Terry engaging with apparent enthusiasm in acts that he or she has, until now, denied Terry. I’d imagine Terry would be justly pissed.

19

What if she was raped and is trying to get over the trauma?

20

Sean and Terry have a 2.5 year present that’s a pretty good stand-in for a past. The more ancient past, imo, is water under the bridge.

The response that I give is from kaylasdad99, 54-y.o. husband, and father of one; with no history of addiction (and apparently another confidante of Sean). If I’m Sean, I ask for his advice and he’d tell me to make a decision based on our shared experience of the past two and a half years.

So I do.

I also have a talk with Alex, thanking my old friend for the concern that led to the background check, and the sharing of the results. If Alex urges me to break things off, I decline politely. If Alex expresses an interest in hooking up with Terry, based on Terry’s carnal experience, I announce that my wedding party has unexpectedly acquired a new opening, and ask for volunteers.