It’s not a situation in my life but it’s a real life situation I know about. (I’ve changed names and a couple of details to avoid identification but all the important stuff is intact.)
A woman (I’ll call her Brenda because that’s not her name) is a lesbian who came out later in life. She has a stepson by a former (hetero) marriage who she largely raised and is still close to and, unbeknownst to his father (a devoutly religious homophobe) the son is gay, but very closeted. The stepson (I’ll call him Todd b.t.n.h.n.) enlisted in the military soon after high school and is about to re-up, but due to a close call with Don’t Ask Don’t Tell he’s afraid of being found out and discharged, so-- he’s decided to marry.
Brenda has met Todd’s fiancee, who we’ll call Abby, who does not know that Todd is gay. She’s very young and naive (and though I haven’t met her, from what I’ve heard that’s naive with a serious slant towards stupid) but also very sweet. Todd has told Brenda that for as long as he’s married to Abby he does not plan to cheat on her, but also admits that he’s marrying her for two big reasons: he wants kids and he wants to stay in the military and figures having a wife will help him avoid any questions about his past where D.A.D.T. is concerned. He feels that Brenda should accept this without complain since, after all, she was married to a man (his father) for many years without telling him she was a lesbian. (Brenda says that she really hadn’t figured it out when she married Todd’s father and in fact her husband figured it out before she did- she married when she was really young and from a super conservative background).
Anyway, Brenda is morally distraught about the situation. She loves her stepson, barely knows and doesn’t even particularly care for the girl who she thinks is nice enough but just freaking clueless. (Todd also hasn’t told her that Brenda is a lesbian and in fact introduced Brenda’s partner as her cousin who lives with her.) The girl has even made some super naive comments about gays and family values and the like that indicate just how deluded she is where Todd’s concerned, but Brenda feels that to tell the girl Todd’s secret would be betrayal of her stepson, who she doesn’t feel is emotionally stable enough to take being outed (and it’s quite possible the girl would out him from spite) or to take being jilted at the altar or whatever, but she also feels that to let her go through with the marriage would be to sit on your hands while an innocent girl walks in front of a train. (Oh sure, if she learns Todd is gay she’ll likely get over it in time but there will be a lot of pain and humiliation and trust issues that leave scars.) OTOH, it could be that Todd and Brenda are that gay-straight couple that are able to make it work, meaning he keeps it in his pants when he’s out of the house and she pretends not to notice the Details magazines in the bathroom or the TV always being tuned to HGTV when its turned on, and such couples do exist.
So, in this situation, what would you do? Would you tell- or find some way of getting word- to Abby that “Girl, you better shop around”, or would you- to quote Arnold’s mother in Torch Song Trilogy, “put my fist in my mouth and say nothing at all”, or some third option?
Oh, jeez Louise. I’m a fan of informed consent, and in most cases, I would advocate telling dear, sweet Abby (bless her heart) that Todd is on the down-low, and let her make her decision from there. However, I can’t conjure a single likely outcome that won’t turn into even more of a complete trainwreck than what you’re already anticipating.
Todd will deny until he’s blue in the face
Abby will believe him because Teh Gay is bad, and Todd clearly isn’t bad
There’s no way to prove Todd’s orientation one way or the other
The only thing I can think of is for Brenda to pose the question to Abby as a friend-of-a-friend hypothetical “what would you do?” question, but even that won’t really bounce the situation off Abby’s head hard enough to make a dent.
I would talk to Todd first, and tell him what he’s doing to Abby is an extremely shitty thing. He’s using her as a broadmare AND as his, oh, what’s the word – when a gay man marries a woman to convince everyone he’s straight? Oh, dammit, I can’t think of it!
But anyways, I’d tell him if HE didn’t come out to Abby, I’d tell her myself. And I would. Because I can only imagine finding out that my husband used me like that would hurt like HELL.
I would not interfere with their relationship at all. Sexuality is rarely a binary “either 0 or 1” thing, and what you think you know about deeply-closeted Todd might not actually be a perfectly accurate representation of how he feels. Meddling in relationships is not ever a good idea, unless someone is being abused.
Okay, so then, to put MYSELF in Abby’s shoes, I would be pissed if people knew what was going on, but allowed me to enter in a sham marriage. I will NOT be some guy’s beard.
Exactly. We have it presented as fact in this thread that “Todd is gay,” as if (i) a person is either “gay” or “not gay” and (ii) a person’s status as “gay” or “not gay” cannot change over time.
I don’t have statistics if they exist for the matter, but I’m guessing that there are very few guys who come out (secretly and to those they trust the most- and to sex partners obviously) as gay who aren’t really gay.
I have known people who were sexually confused, people who were/are bicurious or permanently bi, gays who’ve consentingly had straight-sex and straights who’ve consentingly had gay sex*, but I honestly haven’t known anybody whose “gay” or “not gay” status has changed over time and would be surprised to meet anyone who has. I’ve known several like Brenda who it took them a while to realize what they were, but it was due to denial and confusion more than change (she wasn’t any more attracted to men when she married than she is now, she’s just honest with herself now).
*To further confuse the matter I’ll state from personal experience, but one that I’m reasonably sure many other gays and lesbians would back up, that a gay man can enjoy sex with a woman or a lesbian can enjoy sex with a man without considering themselves bi. Best way I can describe it is that it’s the way you enjoy masturbation, but it’s empty.
He wants this girl to marry him, basically to use her for his own purposes, and he can’t even be honest with her? What does he plan to do about the children he wants to have with her, when she figures out what’s going on and wants out and also wants them to have nothing to do with a lying, user of a creep? How does he justify this, as a human being?
Well personally I am, but I’m curious what others would do. If it were somebody I knew directly I’d do the Guin suggestion and read his ass the riot act and tell him how shitty I thought it was, though I probably wouldn’t tell or threaten to tell the girlfriend (for, like Nazareth, what good can come of it?).
I know plenty of people who’s hetero marriages did not turn out well. That doesn’t mean I know plenty of anecdotes for arguing that heteros shouldn’t get married.
When I read the thread title, I thought you had recently been watching The Shield. They had a very similar scenario.
Take Todd aside and tell him that marriage is a serious commitment between two people. He should not enter into it hiding something like this. He owes her the truth. He needs to tell Abby what’s going on, explain to her what his expectations of the marriage are, and let her make an informed decison about whether she wants to get married in that situation.
But this is between Abby and Todd. Nobody else has any business stepping into the middle of it.
I’d read Todd the riot act. I’d ask him what he thinks will happen when Brenda finds out after five years of marriage. And kids. She’ll end up with the kids. She’ll poison them against him. She’ll torch her career. And, honestly, she’ll get most of the sympathy while she destroys his life.
Or he can break off the engagement for reasons that he does not admit to Abby have anything to do with being gay (“I’m not sure I’m ready yet. I don’t think I can be a good husband. Its not you, its me…you are a wonderful person who deserves better.”) and hope she doesn’t find out and report him. The very reasons he wants to get married, he is unlikely to have if she finds out…and she will, you can’t keep those secrets forever.
Hopefully, the hateful DADT will be overturned and he won’t have to worry about it long term. For now, if he can keep it in his pants for marriage, he can keep it there for his career.
Todd is a liar and is using Abby for his own selfish purposes and sounds kinda smarmy and a bit on the evil/selfish side. (Being gay doesn’t give someone the right to be an asshole and a user.) Abby doesn’t deserve being lied to. I would tell her all about it, but not anyone else. If, knowing the truth, she still chose to marry him, that would be her business.
I’m unsure about outing the kid to his fiance. However, I am totally sure that in Brenda’s shoes, I would not allow my life partner to be introduced as my “cousin.” I would politely correct this and say, “No, I’m sorry, she is my [partner/girlfriend/fiance/however they want to put it].”
And yeah, I think actually that a talk with Todd is in order along the lines of, “Do you enjoy the scenario of never being able to visit with your children except for a few hours every other weekend if you’re lucky? Do you find the idea of vicious court battles and paycheck garnishing to be really enticing? I hope so because this is definitely going to happen if you proceed with this plan.”