Because she doesn’t know what she’s getting in to. If she knew and agreed, that would be different. In this case, especially if I was his parent I would be telling him in no uncertain terms that what he was proposing was a shit move.
He out right admitted that he’s doing it because he wants kids and doesn’t want kicked out of the military. That is utter bullshit. He has no right lying to this girl and drag her into the middle of his drama.
And honestly, if he DOES marry Abby and she learns the truth, quite frankly I wouldn’t BLAME her if she does “out him for spite”.
I guess Id be wondering about safe sex practises in that scenario, she could be risking a whole lot more than just trust issues depending on how impulsive his encounters are.
Otara
Probably the worst case scenario would be for DADT to be overturned and Todd to tell Abby “I never mentioned this before but I’ve been gay all along. Thanks for the cover but I don’t need it anymore. My lawyer will call yours. Bye.”
Exactly. And it is not bogus, he has stated he does want kids …
Look, love in marriage is a modern thing. Not hating each other is a bonus… let them sort it out. I know a couple that got married and there was no love involved, the woman simply needed a man to support her and her children.[this was back in the 60s and 70s, when it was harder for a woman with kids to find a job that would support them after being married and disposed of by a husband looking for a new young trophy wife] They remained married for another 40 years. He wanted a woman to cook and clean and put out as a replacement for his dead wife. At least they had similar hobbies [they met in church, for what it is worth]
I’m confused - is the question “what should Brenda do” or “what should a third party who knows Brenda do”?
If the latter, nothing other than advise Brenda. It’s Brenda’s call.
If the question is what Brenda should do, however, I’m definitely in the “don’t tell Abby but read Todd the Riot Act” camp. He’s doing a very shitty thing that will almost certainly, in the not-very-distant future, hurt him badly, hurt Abby worse, deeply mess up any kids they manage to have and potentially destroy his career. There is no “win” here.
Brenda has leverage with Todd that she can use. She could threaten to cut off ties with Todd if he persists in pursuing this idiotic course of action. She could stage an intervention if he has friends who know the situation and agree with her. She could call Dan Savage and get *him *to read Todd the Riot Act. She could even (and I **really **wouldn’t recommend this as it’s the nuclear option) threaten to out him to his father. There are a lot of options but saying nothing is not one of them, not if she loves her stepson.
If I was Brenda I would go for the read Todd the riot act option. First for not giving Abby the chance to make an informed decision and secondly for the cousin introduction. You being in the closet doesn’t mean you get to lie about my life.
It’s a matter of honesty. He’s lying to her.
Todd should be told he’s got to be honest. A marriage built on a lie is a recipe for disaster. It’s unfair to both Todd and Abby.
This encompasses the way that I feel about it. No one deserves to be lied to, and imagine how devastated she’ll feel when Todd either finally breaks the news or the truth slips out. Todd couldn’t even honestly say that he thought he was straight at the time and then discovered that wasn’t true. If Todd really wants a marriage of convenience for the sake of his career, he should own up to it, preferably to a lesbian who’s trying to do the same thing and won’t someday end up sobbing “He never really loved me!” to her parents.
If this is a marriage of convenience Abby needs to know. You wouldn’t even need to out him as gay, the problem would still exist if he was straight but just didn’t love her.
Abby needs to be told, immediately. Then she can make her own decision (which should be to run IMHO).
In any event, I hope he’s prepared to pay the alimony and child support.
Of course it is unfair to Todd. Of course it is unfair to Abby. Of course Todd should be honest. But who are you to tell a grown man that he has GOT to be honest? Things are too complicated for outsiders to play Captain Savetheday.
This man may have every intention of keeping it in his pants and being a loyal and attentive hubby. He may even fall in love with her in some way that makes sense to him someday.
The thing about marriage is that it is the one institution where two people decide to come together forsaking all others. That means their biz is their own biz, and outsiders need to stay out.
I think I may be jaded on this topic, because when it comes to relationships and marriages I have seen it all.
I know a lot (yes, a lot, long story) of couples that are married because the man needed to stay in the country. You wouldn’t believe how many gossipy tongues flap around these couples, particularly from busy bodies who feel it is their ‘duty’ to ‘make sure she knows what she’s getting into’. Well, guess what? Most of the times these women know exactly why the guy proposed and they go in it playing naive but knowing full well. They don’t need someone pulling them aside at every barbecue to let them know that their husband doesn’t love them. And I have seen cases where the couple truly did appear to fall in love, even if the marriage was initially to avoid deportation.
It is bad news when folks start gathering info up to combat evil or save an innocent. I can understand situations where you want to do that. If someone confides in you that they are going to burn orpanages, you want to say, ‘to hell with minding my beezwax, I gotta think of the children!’
But when it is the one situation where two people have decided to come together as one unit, them against the world…that is one of those times you wanna put your helping hands in your pockets and keep it moving.
There are three separate Rhymer rules that would prohibit me from saying anything.
Were I Brenda, I would: mind my own business, tell Todd he was a shit, and straighten out the “cousin” thing.
If the idea of having sex with a woman isn’t just as gross to him as the idea of having sex with a man is to me (ie., not gonna happen)- which will presumably be required for the kids thing- he’s not that gay.
I definitely, strongly agree on the second point. He does not have any right to stuff her back in the closet just because he prefers hanging out there. Brenda needs to tell Todd that she isn’t going to let him do that to her, and that either he can break it to his fiancee or she will.
If I were Brenda I’d probably chew him out as well over getting this sweet, naive girl to be his beard, but I would tell him I wasn’t going to squeal to Abby, but I sure wasn’t going to cover for him if she turned up any evidence of cheating/being gay/having a ‘gay past’/whatever. (If Brenda outed him to Abby, Abby might well Do Tell and get him kicked out of the military.) I might also inform him that with the Internet and social networking, what happens if Abby squeals on a Facebook page about her handsome fiance/husband and posts his pictures, and someone from his past who’s searching sees that and decides to drop a bombshell on her/to his CO/whatever?
Let’s hear them.
For anyone who has been in a situation where one partner conceals something important from the other for years, how does it feel to also know that other people knew what was going on all along but decided not to say anything? “Oh, we knew Bob had that gambling problem, but we just assumed you did too and decided to marry him anyway.” “We knew Jane had been sleeping with her ex while you two were engaged, but we didn’t want to butt in.”
Rhymer rule #2 is “Never give advice.”
Rhymer rule #7 is “When in doubt, say nothing. You can always say it later; you can rarely take it back.”
Rhymer rule #10 is “Do not mistake yourself for Aslan.”
It seems like the concept of informed consent must apply here somewhere. Surely you can imagine *some *scenario where you would intervene. What if he had another wife? What if he were an escaped murderer?
Can it truly be said that *they *have decided to come together as a unit if *she *is not aware of all the pertinent facts?