As useless as a unicycle with two flat tires.
As welcome as a nosebleed the day before laundry day.
As happy as a clam…in a bowl of chowder.
…sounded like a bag of cats being thrown through a plate-glass window
(not to be confused with:)
…sounded like a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant. <–From what movie?
Now THAT reminds me of one I heard in Jr. HS:
“You look like you chased a fart through a keg of nails” (said to a student with really severe acne)
Best ever. That’s awesome.
My friend used to say this after a big meal (as a play on the line “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.”):
I so full I could shit a horse.
Martinis are like breasts; one’s not enough and three’s too many.
She looked at me like a side dish she didn’t order.
He was all over me like a cheap suit.
That car runs like a scalded monkey.
Fell to the ground like a dead midget.
A good simile is like… awesome.
I get a lot of strange looks when I say “I’m all over that like flies on rice” (a tendency spawned from an occasion when I started to say like flies on something else and then reconsidered my word choice halfway through).
However, there’s another variation I use: “I’m all over that like flies on a dead hooker.”
Also, “I’ve got to race like a pisshorse.”
What can I say, I’m a delicate flower.
“Kickin’ more ass than a cross-eyed Rockette”
“He’s got a face like a pitbull licking piss off a thistle”
“Dumber than a bag full of hammers”
Years ago, when explaining to my then-boyfriend that, if he was going to buy me a ring, I much preferred silver, I tried to express how beautiful I think silver is – I told him “silver is like polished fog.”
As an afterthought, I added “whereas gold is like … polished urine.”
So a few years went by and the relationship soured. In one of our unhappy near-the-end discussions, he criticized me for being gross – “your idea of a simile is to say that gold is like polished urine!”
I protested that that was just a throw-away line; my real comment was to say that silver is like polished fog.
So he said “yeah, but who remembers stuff like that anyway? It’s the disgusting things that people remember.”
I guess it’s true.
I’ve been busier than a one-armed man in an asswiping contest.
No one’s mentioned these yet?
He was a couple of fries short of a Happy Meal.
…so dumb he couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with instructions written on the heel.
My favorite, which I use whenever appropriate:
"Can’t swing a dead cat without hitting… (insert anything ubiquitous and annoyingly numerous, i.e. “a corrupt politician”) Is that a metaphor or simile, or just a quaint turn of phrase?
I also enjoy collecting these:
Let’s run it up the flag pole, see if anyone salutes.
Let’s shoot it into space, see if it orbits.
Let’s throw it on the wall, see if it sticks.
To use official military speak: You are a soup sandwich
You are more F***ed up than a football bat
If stupid was a people, you’d be China.
Or to quote George Carlin:
She was only a hooker, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.
Some others I picked up along the way:
Hotter than a whore in church
Her ti*s look like two watermelons in a downhill race, and the left one is winning.
SSG Schwartz
or: Busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.
Bart Simpson on someone caving in:
He folds faster than Superman on laundry day.
I’ve always been partial to - Happy as a rat in warm butter.
“What could he do? He stood there looking at me like a pet goat.”
(Pertaining to a person’s response to an unexpected/outrageous statement-ie, confused/curious/waiting for an explanation.)
“He kept turning it over and over again–like a monkey trying to fuck a football.”
(Said of someone who has undertaken a task which they have no idea how to begin, much less complete.)
The first is from my uncle, the second from my father. There’s a lot of country wisdom floating around out there kids, just begging to be harnessed.
Let’s nail it to a cross and see who genuflects.
Not to mention the drink that was “almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea”.
As black as a politicians heart.
or:
As empty as a womans head.
ducks
