I read something awhile back that nearly had me peeing my pants. It was excerpts from short stories written by highschoolers, containing unintentionally hilarious and bad similies. I do paraphrase a bit here as I can’t remember the exact wording, but this is the kind of stuff there was:
“McDuff fell 10 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag full of vegetable soup.”
“John and Sarah were like two hummingbirds that would never meet.”
“The bricks of the house were the colour of a brick-red Crayola crayon.”
If I can find that list again, I’ll post more.
Have you heard of any awful similies? Have your own creations to post?
Oh, sweet Og. I didn’t find what I was looking for, but these are worse.
“Worn down at the edges like a Times Square hooker, the caretaker’s last tooth lay on the floor like a yellow Chiclet.”
“The information imbedded on the stolen computer chip was like an explosive so explosive it could explode, creating a massive explosion.”
“His face looked like an ice sculpture. Not one of those pretty ones in the middle of a cruise ship buffet, but the kind they do in a contest with a chainsaw – and it had been out in the heat too long.”
“The air of danger perversely made Nina’s nipples harden, like that Magic Shell stuff on a bowl of ice cream.”
“The bullet burned Gilmore’s gut like the first piss after a long night in a Singapore brothel.”
“His .38 barked fire, like John Goodman’s butt after a chili cookoff.”
“Unable to contain his rage, he burst like a pimple of emotion, the pus of his fury streaking the mirror of calm in the bathroom of his life.”
I’m probably misquoting, but I saw one once that was along the lines of, “The boat floated over the water in exactly the same way as a brick wouldn’t.”
Ah, now that you mention it, it may be something I picked up from reading Adams. The only Pratchett I read was “Good Omens” and I don’t recall any boats being mentioned. But I’ve read Adams a lot and you’re right, it does sound like him now that you mention it.
The line is “The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t.” It’s from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, describing the Vogon ships that came to demolish the earth.
I remember in high school co-writing a short story with a friend for our English class. We didn’t have much respect for the assignment, so we didn’t take it very seriously. But when one of us wrote, “A smile spread across his face like mayonnaise,” we both lost it. It was the high point of an otherwise unexceptional class.
But it pales in comparison to some of those you gave, Amazon–thanks for the laugh!
Venus on the Half-Shell, by Kilgore Trout (really by Philip Jose Farmer), is chock full of these… but then again, like those by Douglas Adams, they’re intentionally bad. My favorite:
(tee-hee)